Style Invitational Week 1040: File us happy returns with taxing humor;
plus winning Liffs

By Pat Myers
Thursday, September 26, 1:46 PM

*Figure the tax due by the aggregate weight of the taxpayer’s family,
maybe $10 per pound. A family of four that weighs 500 would owe $5,000,
while a larger family — larger as in more numerous or larger as in, you
know, larger — would pay more, given how much faster they wear out out
roads and bridges. *

As Loser Elden Carnahan pointed out to us months ago, we couldn’t very
well ignore this week number. And so, at a comfortable distance from
April 15, we present the Thoroughly Taxing Edition of the Style
Invitational, with your choice of contests:

*Schedule A: Suggest a novel way for the government to determine taxes,*
as in Elden’s example above.

*Schedule B: Suggest a deduction that you’d like to take, or that some
famous real or fictional person or past or present might like to take*
(suggested by Edward Gordon and Chris Doyle on the Style Invitational
Devotees page on Facebook).

*Schedule C: Suggest a cause that you’d rather check off $3 for,* now
that most major candidates won’t take the money anyway (suggested by
Devotee Jon Spell).

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Going with our revenue theme this week, second place receives
both a pack of tissues with $100 bills printed on them (staple them to
your return atop your W-2 form) and the second of our sets of fine
Porkin’ Pigs coin banks
— a
pair of pink ceramic piggies that can be, uh, nested one behind the
other. Dave Prevar donated the tissues, Nan Reiner the pigs.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet
First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Oct. 7; results published Oct. 27 (online Oct. 24). No more than
25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1040” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at . The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart, as is the
alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line. Join the lively
Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /

*Report from Week 1036, Our contest for Liffs, place names used as words:

Many, many entries,
and a lot of them with the same ideas — a totally unsurprising
occurrence in such a short-form contest. Among the definitions sent in
by too many people: Fairbanks as the equivalent of “free lunch” or
“military intelligence”; Manila as a date who’s a safe but boring guy;
San Diego as the result of eating a toaster waffle on the beach;
Minnesota as Mayor Bloomberg’s favorite drink; Montauk as an affected
Jamaican accent; and Brisbane as a mohel’s wastebasket. While it’s quite
possible — almost inevitable, really — that you’ve heard someone,
somewhere make a few of the following Liffs, we’re assuming that the
Losers who submitted them hadn’t. Except for the woman who sent the
world’s oldest joke about Norfolk, Va., complete with the entire high
school cheer: “We don’t smoke. . .”
 Yo, Steal Invitationalists, the few of you who have pulled this on us
(knowingly) over the years: Why on earth would you want your name
credited in The Washington Post to a joke you stole, with the huge
likelihood you’d be pegged immediately as a thief? To win a 20-cent
magnet? Did you also take two copies of the paper from the coin box?

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *

*Tarpon Springs:* Serta’s most budget-priced mattress./(Joel Knanishu,
Rock Island, Ill.)/

*2.* *Winner of the Korean Green Apple Vium+ poop promoter: *
*Sheboygan:* Pvt. Manning, reconsidering? /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills,

*3.* *Gabon:* An unlimited calling plan./(Steven Alan Honley, Washington)/

*4.* *Nicaragua:* A special water that helps you quit smoking. /(David
Bruskin, Woodland Hills, Calif., a First Offender) /

*Lowcales: Honorable mentions*

*Antietam:* Picnic foods./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; John
McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/

*Bogota: *A buy-one, get-one promotion by a breast augmentation clinic.
/(Joel Knanishu)/

*Boise:* Jay-Z Jr. /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.; Eric Ries, Bethesda,
Md.) /

*Bolivia:* Doghouse on the White House grounds. /(Danielle Nowlin,
Woodbridge, Va.) /

*Cameroon:* A tourist oblivious to the dozen other people waiting to
take the same picture./(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) /

*Cancun:* Appalachian convenience food. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /

*The Catskills:* Little “presents” of mice on your doorstep. /(Melissa
Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/

*Chattanooga:* To converse in Early Neanderthal. /(John Glenn, Tyler,
Tex.) /

*Chechnya:* Proximity to a house of worship in posh British towns.
“Nigel’s ghelfriend lives in a chahming mews in Uxbridge with a chechnya
— C of E, of course.” /(Brendan Beary) /

*Chinook:* The dimple at the bottom of Cary Grant’s face. /(Dan O’Day,
Alexandria, Va.) /

*Corpus Christi:* A government body that will be the subject of hefty
scrutiny through 2016./(Brendan Beary) /

*Curacao:* Step 1 in making a football. /(Beverley Sharp) /

*Dubai:* A place where extravagant consumerism is the highest ideal,
e.g., Dubai /(Mike Gips)/

*East Timor:* The reason Indian chai is so expensive. /(Kevin Ahern,
Corvallis, Ore., a First Offender) /

*Gdansk:* What Australian tourists say to people they meet in Poland.
/(Stan McLeroy, Herndon, Va.) /

*Grosse Pointe:* Miley’s foam finger./(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/

*Jakarta:* What nightclub owners ask the door staff when a 17-year-old
girl tries to sneak in. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/

*Juneau:* Not kosher. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) /

*Kalamazoo:* A place to see squid in their natural habitat./(Edmund
Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/

*Kyrgyzstan:* A place to display your kyrgyz. /(Danielle Nowlin) /

*Liechtenstein:* German beer that’s good to the last drop. /(Danielle
Nowlin) /

*Liverpool:* Give your backyard something different from that old kidney
shape!/(Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)/

*Manassas:* What studly behinds turn into after too much beer and TV.
/(Nan Reiner)/

*Naples:* Leave it to Picasso to paint a woman’s breasts on the back of
her neck. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /

*Newark:* Noah’s second boat, the one with a metal container for the
termites. /(Chris Doyle) /

*Ocracoke:* The worst health-food drink since broccoli cream soda.
/(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Beverley Sharp) /

*Outer Banks:* The financial institutions considered “small enough to
fail.” /(Jill Renkey, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) /

*Palm Springs:* Miniature Slinkys./(Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)/

*Pitcairn:* The act of applying deodorant. /(Melissa Balmain)/

*Pyongyang: *The sound made by a North Korean “nuclear missile” going
off. /(Danielle Nowlin)/

*Santa Monica:* An employee who gives her boss all the things on his
Christmas list. /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles; Larry Neal, McLean,

*Shrewsbury: *Future resting place of Judge Judy. /(William Kennard)/

*Walla Walla:* The sound of Chris Christie twerking./(Damon Thompson,
Washington) /

/And Last:/ *Luzon:* The heightened state of immature or scatological
humor. “I’ve got nothing for Week 1040 — I gotta get my Luzon.”/(Brendan
Beary) /

*Still running — deadline Monday night — our contest to use the words in
“To be, or not to be . . .” to write your own passage. See*

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: Outrage Us, * or
*Taking Dumbrage,* our contest to complain about the offensiveness of a
name that’s not really offensive.

© The Washington Post Company