Style Invitational Week 1039: Rearrange ‘To be, or not to be’; plus
cartoon captions


By Pat Myers
,
Thursday, September 19, 4:45 PM

Once again, the Style Invitational pursues its primary mission of
enlightening The Washington Post’s readers through the literary arts.
Often these literary arts run to poop jokes, but today we’ll shoot
arguably higher as the school year gets underway: *This week: Combine
any of the words in Hamlet’s “To be, or not to be” soliloquy, in any
order, to create a humorous sentence or longer passage.* You may change
the capitalization and punctuation of any word, but you may not add or
delete “s” or otherwise change the spelling. You may use a particular
word only as often as it appears in the soliloquy: for example, “would”
appears twice, so you could use it twice. There are different versions
of “Hamlet” out there; we’ll be using the 1623 “First Folio” text as it
appears in Wikipedia (click here for the link
). This contest was
suggested by the ever-lit’ry Marni Penning Coleman.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a pack of Shakespearean Insult Gum — a set
of seven little book-shaped boxes, each containing two gumballs and a
different Shakespearean insult (e.g., “Thy wit’s as thick as a Tewksbury
mustard,” from “Henry IV, Part 2”). Donated by Loser Pie Snelson, at
whom we do not bite our thumb. And we’ll even throw in a set ofGrillz
candy teeth ,
which give you fake dental bling until you swallow your smile. Donated
with a glittery grin by Mike Gips.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag
.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet
.
First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Sept. 30; results published Oct. 20 (online Oct. 17). No more
than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1039” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the
alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Beverley
Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./

*Report from Week 1035, in which we asked what news our cartoonist, Bob Staake, was trying to
convey in any of these cartoons: (See the cartoons larger here
.)

The Empress was pretty darn lenient about
what could constitute news, allowing just about any discussion of a
public figure, or any sort of event. But still, there’s just no way it
could encompass an entry like this one by /(Dave Komornik, Danville,
Va.)/ for Cartoon B: “Jane finally fulfilled her fantasy of sliding off
Claude’s trousers.” No prize for Dave.

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *

/Cartoon C:/ The Air Force’s “Tail-Look” scandal has exposed serious
deficiencies in pilot training. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/

*2. * *Winner of the fabulous “Eat-a-Bug Cookbook”

plus the box of Larvets mealworm snacks
:
* /Cartoon A:/ Gov. Rick Perry has decided that the best way to change a
woman’s views on reproductive issues is to insert the ultrasound wand
directly into her cerebrum. /(Roberta Dobbins, Herndon, Va., a First
Offender)/

*3. * /Cartoon B:/ Nate Silver’s latest statistical prediction for 2016
shows clearly that Hillary Clinton will finish comfortably on top of
Chris Christie. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

*4.* /Cartoon D:/ Carson Daly interviews Beyoncé during the filming of
her new music video, “All the Sinkhole Ladies.” /(Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.) /

*It’s a draw: honorable mentions*

*CARTOON A*

Hallmark decides to offset declining Christmas card sales by marketing a
life-size Estelle Getty tree ornament. /(Ken Schwartz, Burke; John
McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) /

Fashion Week trunk shows reveal a new concept for the “bowler hat.”
/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /

New OSHA rules require female executives to be fitted with headgear to
protect against glass-ceilling collisions. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington,
Mass.)/

It has not been widely publicized that Obamacare will cover exorcisms.
/(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) /

Gov. McDonnell tries to blame the pin on his wife./(Doug Hamilton,
College Park, Md.) /

Apple’s iRabbitEars has been proved to improve receptionists./(Art
Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/

CBS plans a temporary workaround for viewers during its dispute with
Time Warner./(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/

A newly discovered photo shows an early cartoonist getting closer to
inventing the thought balloon. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /

One of the first things the Post’s new owner does to improve the paper’s
image is to drop the Invitational and hang the Empress out to
dry./(Levon Buller, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender)/

*CARTOON B*

Tired of twerking, a new but clueless generation takes an interest in
dancing cheek-to-cheek. /(Jeff Contompasis) /

Mrs. Bloomberg announced that she is taking a different approach to
tackling obesity./(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) /

“Hop on Pop” claims its 1 millionth victim. /(Art Grinath)/

Studies indicate that the Hind-lich maneuver is barely effective in
clearing an obstructed airway. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) /

In the latest episode of “The Biggest Loser,” Jillian Michaels cheers on
new contestant Darryl as he attempts to complete the 50-meter land swim.
/(Jim Stiles) /

Rush Limbaugh died Saturday in the first known fatality attributed to
The Clapper. /(Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)/

*CARTOON C*

In the spirit of budget compromise with Congress, the White House will
contract out any airstrikes on Syria to Captain Bob’s Flying Circus and
Crop Dusting, LLC. /(Kevin Dopart) /

After her swimming triumph, Diana Nyad inspired millions by flying to
Iceland while seated backward in an open airplane with a stationary
propeller. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) /

Recently discovered photographs show that Lucky Lindy was far luckier
than previously known. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /

NTSB officials investigating July’s San Francisco accident announce
they’ve found a flaw in Asiana Airlines’ pilot training program. /(Kevin
Dopart) /

North Korea will unveil its next-generation fighter jet, aiming to
disprove Western claims of a “backward military.”/(Trevor Kerr,
Chesapeake, Va.) /

To its list of optional services, Spirit Airlines adds a sealed cockpit
and attached propeller. /(Stephen Dudzik) /

Jeff Bezos will steer The Post in a new direction. /(Gary Crockett) /

*CARTOON D*

Tonight on CNN, Anderson Cooper’s exclusive interview with the
economy!/(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /

The Channel 5 news crew during its extremely low-budget interview of the
Chinese premier. /(Stan Breedlove, Fulton, Md., a First Offender) /

Old Faithful Calls It a Career: ‘I Just Ran Out of Steam,’ Says Retiring
Geyser /(Vytas V. Vergeer, Washington) /

Russian inspectors: “There is no direct evidence of a bomb being
dropped.” /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) /

“As I’ve said before, this political race is not about my private
life.”/(Mark Asquino, Washington) /

Missing their former celebrity lifestyles, the Chilean miners returned
to the ground./(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) /

Satan Announces Candidacy for N.Y. Mayor, Instantly Rises to Third in
Polls /(Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.)/

Some paparazzi really can’t get enough of Michael Jackson. /(Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

Unable to book Alec Baldwin, Channel 7 decided viewers couldn’t tell the
difference and instead interviewed a hole in the ground. /(Mark
Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)/

Mrs. Cyrus plans to wait until it all blows over. /(Joanne Free,
Clifton, Va.) /

*Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for long, ridiculous
answers to simple questions. See bit.ly/invite1038
.*

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at
losers@washpost.com (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: Just for Liffs, * or
*Iraq Kandahar Place,* our contest to turn place names into new words.

© The Washington Post Company

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