Style Invitational Week 1038: Taking the ‘plain’ out of ‘explain,’
plus top ‘I like my X ...’ jokes


By Pat Myers

Thursday, September 12, 2:03 PM

*Why are firetrucks red? *
* Because they have eight wheels and four people, and 4 plus 8 is 12,
and 12 is a foot and a foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler,
and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sails the sea and in
the sea is fish and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians
and the Russians were red and that’s why firetrucks are red.*

That brilliant bit of logic, which is floating anonymously around the
Internet, was brought to the Empress’s attention by the globe-trotting
diplomatic Loser Robin Diallo, somewhere between Senegal and
Afghanistan. It’s a bit like the Invitational’s occasional name chain
contest, in which each name in a string of 25 connects to the next one
in some novel way, until it comes back to the original name. But believe
it or not, the firetruck “explanation” here makes better reading than a
name chain. *This week: Answer a simple question with a ridiculously
argued answer citing various connections and parallels,* as in the
example above. Don’t make it much longer than that one, but it certainly
could be more clever.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives, also from the peripatetic Ms. Diallo, a
necktie she found in the Philippines, depicting cute cartoon pigs that
are pursuing romantic activities not suitable for printing in a
newspaper section that’s in close proximity to KidsPost. (Online, not so
near KidsPost, you can peek at it here
.) If you are an
actual kid and win second place, or if you have a shred of propriety, we
will substitute a plain ol’ mug
or something.
(And we can’t even tell you about the /other/ donation from Robin,
except that it’s a polished wooden ashtray topped with a six-inch
polished wooden, anatomically correct, uh, fertility totem? We won’t be
giving that one out.)

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag
.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet
.
First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Sept. 23; results published Oct. 13 (online Oct. 10). No more
than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1038” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions was suggested by both Tom
Witte and Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./

*Report from Week 1034, in which we asked for original takes on the well-worn joke form “I like
my X the way I like my Y”:

The Empress’s predecessor, the Czar,
suggested this contest and bet her a lunch that it would draw plenty of
great (and even printable) entries. He wins. If you’re at a D.C. lunch
spot and see two wild-haired people wearing cute little ermine stoles
and yelling at each other, drop by and say hello.
 Note to the Easily Offended: Jokes starting off “I like my women” or “I
like my men” tend to be less than cerebrally worshipful. We are
confident that the views expressed herein are not reflective of the high
esteem in which the various authors actually hold their women, men,
underwear, etc.

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
*

I like my girlfriends the way I like Apple customers: flush with cash,
stylish and unaware they can do better./(Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md.)/

*2.* *Winner of the grotesque rubbery finger puppets
:*
I like my in-laws the way I like my Komodo dragons: on Komodo. /(Edmund
Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/

*3.* I like my teenage daughter to be the way I like my olive oil:
extra-virgin./(Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)/

*4.* I like my carnal knowledge the way I like my rodeo rides: finished
in eight seconds, with clowns to create a distraction while I
escape./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

*Likewise . . .: honorable mentions*

I like my women the way I like my gas grills: easy to turn on, dirty
enough to be well seasoned, but not enough that you’d immediately want
to wash your hands./(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

I like my grammar the way I like my cat: gender-neutral. /(Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.) /

I like my “Jeopardy!” results the way I like my Abbott & Costello
routines:Watson second
.
— Ken Jennings /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) /

I like my underwear the way I like my NASA facilities: with a Johnson
Space Center./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

I like tornado drills the way I like colonoscopy prep: all clear after
the evacuation. /(David Komornik, Danville, Va.) /

I like my cellular service the way I like Bourbon Street: five bars at
any given spot. /(David Komornik)/

I buy my candidates the way I buy my dinner rolls: rich, white and
half-baked. — Charles Koch /(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) /

I like my D.C. politicians the way I like my Syracuse cheerleaders:
dressed in orange. /(Bill Ade, Burke, Va., who got his last Invite ink
in Week 61, 1994) /

I like my privacy the way I like something else, the details of which
are none of your business./(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/

I like my Washington Redskins like I like my Washington Bullets: called
something else. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/

I like Anthony Weiner the way I like my nose: not running. /(Melissa
Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) /

I like my New York politicians the way I like my surprise gifts: not
knowing what’s in the package. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /

I like Rafael Soriano the way I like my nose: not blowing it.

/(Ward Kay)/

I like my women the way I like my tollbooths: E-ZPass, not
SmartPass./(Mark Raffman)/

I like my daytime dramas the way I like my falafel: hot, delicious and
soapy
.
— Bill O’Reilly /(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) /

I like my movies the way I like my Parmesan: G-rated. /(Neil Starkman,
Seattle)/

I like my corrupt politicians the way I like my fondest memories:
recalled. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/

I like my tautology the way I like my tautology: true. /(Doug Frank,
Crosby, Tex.) /

I like my interns the way I like my Pacific Islands: not gonna stop at
Midway — I’ve gotta have Samoa. — B. Clinton /(Mark Raffman) /

I like my hummus the way I like my pervasive sense of ennui: thick but
receptive to potato chips. /(Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif., a First
Offender)/

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer it to be pretentious
and gassy, like my TV character. (Most Interesting Man, The World)
/(Mark Raffman)/

I like my reality TV the way I like my bridge hands: no Trump. /(Gary
Crockett)/

I like weighing myself the way I like Adam Sandler movies: with zero
gravity. /(Mike Gips)/

I like my women the way I like my mountains: tall and beautiful, but not
impossible to climb. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/

I’ll like Barack Obama the way I like George W. Bush: as a harmless
former president./(Adam and Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/

I like my pizza the way I like our current D.C. mayor: ordered to
go./(Frank Mann, Washington)/

I like my campaign “contributions” the way I like my Persian rugs:
large, spread out and under the table. — V. Gray, Washington /(Kevin
Dopart)/

I like my hoagies the way I like my cockroaches: under a foot. /(David
Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/

I like my money the way pelicans like their fish: in large bills./(Mae
Scanlan, Washington)/

At my age, I like my urine the way I like my video: streaming./(Ward Kay) /

I like my political punditry the way I like my cornflakes: packaged by
weight, not volume./(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/

I like my airport checks the way I like my dental checkups: cavity-free.
/(Brendan Beary) /

I like my man to be like my car: good-looking, yet comfortable for a
long trip./(Mae Scanlan)/

As I get older, I like my romance the way I like my plays: one act
only./(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) /

/And last:/ He likes his Style Invitational Empresses the way he likes
his prostitutes: willing to make a big deal out of what little he has to
offer. /(Robert Falk) /

*/Still running: Be offended by totally inoffensive names:
bit.ly/invite1037 ./ * /See the Empress’s
online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at
losers@washpost.com (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: In Toon With the News,
* or *Wackileaks,* our contest that asked what news was being
communicated by any of Bob Staake’s incomprehensible cartoons.

© The Washington Post Company

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