Style Invitational Week 1036: Just for liffs — turn a place name into
a new word


By Pat Myers
,
Thursday, August 29, 2:31 PM

Anchorage: The often inane banter you hear on the evening news. (Mike
Hammer) Bora Bora: A tiresome person who keeps repeating himself. (Paul
Kondis) Assateague: The condition in which one tires of sitting in the
same position for too long. (Bob Sarecky) Peoria: The ecstatic feeling
one gets from relieving a full bladder. (Everybody) They’re called liffs
— or that’s what Douglas Adams and John Lloyd called them in a 1983 book
— and the ones above come from the last time the Invitational looked for
them, way back in 1996. Not that there are so many new place names to
choose from this time, but the Czar gave ink to only 38 liffs for Week
147 (see them at bit.ly/invite150). So: This week: Use a real place
name, from anywhere in the world, as a new term. The Empress’s hunch:
The humor is likely to work better if it’s a well-known location. Winner
gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, given our
jet-setting theme, something that reader-not-Loser Eileen Booth found in
a Korean teashop: a box of something called Green Apple Vium+; the text
is almost all in Korean except for the name and the word “supplement.”
But a handy diagram shows 12 apples equaling what seem to be six poops.
We suggest that the winner just put it on the mantel or something. Other
runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently
desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser
magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 9; results published
Sept. 29 (online Sept. 26). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
week. Include “Week 1036” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is
by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results”
line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.

*Report from Week 1032, in which we asked for “hidden messages” in public monuments, artworks
and other cultural icons:

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *

F is the sixth letter of the alphabet; assigning the other proper
numbers gives you F+A+M+I+L+Y = 6+1+13+9+12+25 = 66!

There are 6 letters in CIRCUS.
So: FAMILY CIRCUS: 666!

Now, look at the hidden message in the members of this “wholesome” family:
Grand*M*a; Jeff*Y* *
D*olly; B*AR*fy; *K*ittycat;
Bi*L*ly; P.J.: Peter J*O*hn; G*R*an*D*dad:

*MY DARK LORD! * /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)/

*2. * *Winner of the dried baby blowfish with hat
:
*Uranium-Nickel-Tellurium-Darmstadtium-Tantalum-Tellurium-Sulfur-Oxygen-Fluorine-Americium-Erbium-Iodine-Calcium!
That’s UNiTeDsTaTeSOFAmErICa, clearly the formula for the most
dangerous, volatile compound in the world. — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
Iodine-Radium-Nitrogen /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/

*3.* The New York Yankees are Satan’s favorite team. You’ve got A-Rod
(No. 13) and Jeter (No. 2) and thus 1+3+2=6. Then you’ve got a payroll
of $231 million — and 2+3+1 = 6. And “Yankee” — how many letters? That’s
6-6-6. Damn Yankees, indeed./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/

*4.* Check out his bare-chested getup: he’s wearing nothing but jeans
with a leather belt, and a big hat. And he’s carrying a big shovel —
with the tip pointing up. Uh-huh! Finally, there’s the start of his
name: “S-M: OK”!
 It’s as plain as the big, moist nose on his adorable furry face. No,
it’s not only you!
/(Jeff
Shirley) /

*Guffawlty logic: honorable mentions*

The White House is at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 1600 is not only a square
in itself it is a product of two squares, 16 and 100. Pennsylvania is
the home of the Quakers and Ben Franklin. Nixon was a Quaker. Do I have
to draw you a picture about the Quaker conspiracy to make holy war on
the country? /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh)/

Some think the odd curves and edges of the Sydney Opera House
convey
a secret message, but actually it was originally intended to be shaped
like an egg; its current form immortalizes the shame of the intern who
delivered the scale model to the builder but failed to secure the box
carefully on his bike./(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) /

Consider “Ulysses Simpson Grant”: Ulysses > James Joyce > Jimmy. Simpson
> Homer > Ho. Grant > land grant college > Future Farmers of America >
FFA. So who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb? Jimmy-Ho-FFA. /(Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.) /

The Budweiser Clydesdales: These icons engender the warmest of feelings
for something considered all-American. Little do people know they are
the critical part of the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on consumers.
How does Budweiser achieve that golden tone and crisp taste? Well, they
don’t call them “draft” horses for no reason. — Joseph Schlitz and
Adolph Coors, Milwaukee /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/

The Army Department seal

hardly needs us to reveal its aims: Note the Smurf’s hat on a stick —
either the Army is sticking up the hat hoping to draw fire, or it’s
saying it’ll defend the hat and nothing else./(Elden Carnahan, Laurel,
Md.) /

The diamond shape of Washington, D.C., mirrors the two-axis political
map of individual liberty vs. economic liberty, with its four corners
representing statism (Hitler), liberalism (Rousseau), libertarianism
(Paul) and conservatism (Reagan). Combine those initials — H-R-P-R --
and you get that rare phenomenon that transcends ideology in D.C: Bryce
Harper, of course. /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/

Our state seal
shows
the danger facing the Old Dominion! That half-naked Amazon woman,
lasciviously baring her breast, trampling the God-given rights of
Virginia Gentlemen! That brazen hussy putting a spear through the very
heart of our society! Carrying an enormous phallus, symbol of her true
desire: the emasculation and ultimate extinction of men! We must keep
this monster in her place, chained and pregnant! – R. McDonnell & K.
Cuccinelli, Richmond/(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) /

If you take all the capital letters in the preamble to the U.S.
Constitution, you get WPUSOUJTWBLPCUSA, which stands for “Within
preamble, uncover secret of U.S.: Jefferson told Washington, bomb
launchers, plutonium come under Second Amendment.” — W. LaPierre (/Mike
Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /

It just happens to be the 50th anniversary of the benignly named “Zoning
Improvement Plan,” given that deceptively cute acronym “Zip code.” But
what is it but a nationwide, door-to-door government surveillance system
putting Americans into zones, tracking YOUR correspondence? “Mr. Zip”
knows where you live and he has your mail! /(Lorraine McMillan,
Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) /

The letters on Mr. Zip’s bag
are
flat, which indicates an empty bag: USPS is promising to deliver only
the one letter Mr. Zip has in his hand. He is smiling because he knows
that’s all he has to do in one day anyway, according to union rules. And
showing him with a dislocated shoulder — from carrying an empty bag? —
encourages postal workers to retire on disability for no reason. /(Elden
Carnahan) /

The W in the Nationals logo is especially curly because they didn’t
think the logo would properly represent Washington if it didn’t include
a loophole. /(Danielle Nowlin) /

The so-called “scaffolding” on the Washington Monument is clearly meant
to portray the Father of Our Nation wearing a condom, and thus to imply
that he approved of non-procreative intercourse. The laugh, however, is
on the liberals who perpetrated this slander: Historians agree that the
wooden condoms of Washington’s day were effective promoters of
abstinence. /(Gary Crockett)/

And since the symbolism of the Washington Monument is obvious, I guess
you can figure out what that makes the Beltway. /(Danielle Nowlin) /

Did you know that “Jeffrey” starts with the same two letters as
“Jehovah”? And that “Bezos” could rhyme with “Jesus”? So if you put the
two together you have a combination worthy of great reverence and
respect. Not that anyone is sucking up . . . /(Mark Raffman) /

*And Last: *Pat Myers’s name contains the anagram “pay me,” which
explains the key to getting ink. /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) /

*Still running — deadline Tuesday night — is our cartoon-caption
contest. See bit.ly/invite1035 . *

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at
losers@washpost.com (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: LimeriXicon , * or *Fa-
Be It From Us ,*, our annual contest for limericks featuring words from
one specific sliver of the alphabet — this year it’s words beginning
with fa-.

© The Washington Post Company

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