Style Invitational Week 1034: Are you funnier than a Scottish
computer? Plus winning cinquains


By Pat Myers
,
Thursday, August 15, 3:57 PM

“I like my women like I like my gas: natural.”

“I like my men like I like my court: superior.”

“I like my men like I like my acorns: buried.”

It’s a well-worn trope, to be sure. And it’s such a simple formula that
the above examples were actually composed by a computer at the
University of Edinburgh. Okay, they’re not thrillingly funny, but it’s a
British computer and British humor sometimes eludes us. Besides, the
deposed Czar of the Style Invitational,

the Empress’s predecessor, has bet her a lunch that she’ll get a classic
set of results out of this contest he suggested. So feed a Czar
today:*Supply an original joke of the form “I like my [your choice] the
way I like my [something else of your choice]: [some clever, funny
parallel].” *Your parallel doesn’t have to be just one word, as in the
machine’s examples. You may even substitute “like/like” with “something
else A/something else A,” as long as the general form is still clear.
How to make your humor Invite-fresh? Take the advice of David Matthews,
who helped develop the Scottish electrocomedian: As he told the
Telegraph, “The holy grail for machine-generated comedy would be to
include cultural references, but these are very hard to capture.” Go
capture some.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives the two grotesque rubbery finger puppets
pictured here,

ably modeled by the infinitely agreeable Donna Peremes of the Style
section staff. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag
.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet
.
First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Aug. 26; results published Sept. 15 (online Sept. 12). No more
than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1034” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the
alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Beverley
Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./

*Another Invite milestone:* With this week’s cinquains, the
astonishingly clever wordsmith Chris Doyle has blotted up his 1,500th
drop of Invite ink, joining only the legendary Loser Russell Beland
(who’s been holding at 1,523) in the Triple Hall of Fame. Chris, the
chief actuary for the Defense Department before retiring some years ago,
started Inviting in earnest in 2000 and rapidly saw his name in
parentheses in contest after contest, using his ingenious punmanship in
everything from limericks to obituary poems to situational humor (What
to say when you realize your zipper’s been open: “Sorry, I thought this
was Casual Fly Day”). In honor of Chris’s induction, I’ve asked him to
list his 10 favorite entries from over the years. You can see them in my
Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1034 .

*Report from Week 1030, a contest for cinquains: Originated a century ago by the melancholy,
ill-fatedMi ss Adelaide
Crapsey , the cinquain is
a five-line verse with two syllables in the first line, four in the
second, then six, then eight, then two.

Among the thousand-plus entries,
the Empress received a number from people who clearly didn’t realize
that the Style Invitational is a humor contest: Some were dead-serious
“poetic” gushings associated with the Crapsey form; others were screedy
rants decrying avaricious profiteers in the banking industry. But most
people got it, and some people aced it:

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *

Weiner —
“Carlos Danger”! —
Rears his head in hubris.
Doesn’t need our votes, he needs a
New bris. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/

*2.* *Winner of the Pukin’ Paul solar-powered bobblehead
:
*

Michael
Bloomberg took flak
From New York’s Big Gulpers,
But won’t issue any mayor
Culpas. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /

*3.* “Redskins”:
Never has a
Word been so abhorrent
To so many, but so valued
By one. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/

*4.* Putin
As president
Controls all the ground that
His political rivals are
Put in. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

*The cinqhole: honorable mentions*

Ayn Rand’s
Replaced Lincoln
Within the GOP.
Atlas sees the House divided
And shrugs. /(Miles Moore, Alexandria, Va.)/

/

Jack Be NIMBY/
Although
My backyard won’t
Quite do for producing
Phthalates, bisphenols and vinyl,
Thine’ll. /(Peg Hausman, Vienna, Va.)/

Love means
Never having
To say you are sorry
Yet often still finding it a
Smart move./(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) /

/Jonathan Mann, Dodo/
He’s the
Malaprop Mann,
Who, to CNN’s woes,
Talked of the extinct “dildos,”
not
Dodos. /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) /

“They’re all
Married or gay,”
Went the single gals’ sigh.
Now, of course, they can be married
And gay. /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/

Snowden
Didn’t know then
He’d find himself snowed in
When the offers that once flowed in
Ended. /(Frank Mann, Washington)/

Watch out
In summertime
At a seaside resort:
You can get burned by a sun of
A beach. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/

I can’t
Help but wonder
How much Danger we would
Have known if Weiner’s wiener were
Wee-er. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) /

Let’s sing
“New York, New York”
If the voters there choose
Weiner as mayor: Start spreading
The ewws! /(Chris Doyle) /

Shakespeare,
Quite unshaken
By claims that someone else
Wrote his plays, said: “ ’Twas /I /who wrote
Bacon!” /(Brian Allgar, Paris)/

/McDonnell on the Move
/Bob’ll
Start to wobble;
Clinging to his job’ll
Flee to somewhere free from squabble:
Kabul. /(Nan Reiner)/

“I have
Established a
Charity for Russian
Radiation victims,” said Cher
Nobly. /(Chris Doyle)/

Oh, doom!
They told me so,
But it was long ago.
It turns out it’s not who you know!
It’s whom. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/

An old
Smith-Corona
Manual neither Saves
Nor Deletes, nor Games, but it’s just
My type. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/

/Abbreviated Anthem/
Oh, say,
Can you see by
The early light of dawn?
Flag flies! Fort stands! We win! You lose!
Rock on! /(Randy Arndt, Clarksville, Md., a First Offender)/

A place
So desolate,
So dark no sun shines there —
Deep, deep. A place for you to put
This job. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/

Lincoln.
Night on the town.
Good play, good seats, good view.
What else could a president want?
Act Two. /(Jim Blizzard, Alexandria, Va.)/

One day
All of mankind
Will learn to live as one.
But today, that’s MY parking space,
Jackass. /(Craig Dykstra)/

/Weiner’s Stump Speech/
“I may
Not speak softly
(It’s not my New York style)
But you sure know I carry a
Big stick.” /(Robert Schechter)/

My dog
Knows if you want
A friend in Washington,
Don’t court a member of Congress.
They bite. /(Linda Neighborgall, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender)/

Impress
Post editors?
Craft insightful letter.
Impress discerning Post Empress?
Poop joke. /(Stan Capper, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender)/

/Style Invitational Want Ad/
Writers:
Here’s your dream job!
You pick your own hours.
Each new week brings a fun challenge!
(Pay? Uh . . .) /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /

*Still running — deadline Monday night: our annual Limerixicon contest,
this year for limericks prominently featuring a word beginning with
“fa-”: See bit.ly/invite1033 *

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at
losers@washpost.com (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: The ‘Sty’le Invitational, * or *Taking a C‘loser’
Look, * our Week 1031 contest, in which we
asked you to find appropriate words inside other words.

© The Washington Post Company

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