Style Invitational Week 1022: Nothing’s beyond compare; and a
do-oeuvre of neologisms


By Pat Myers
,
Published: May 16

*Cicadas vs. the Rolling Stones: While they both regularly come out of
hibernation, the cicadas are noisier. *

●Michelle’s bangs
●A Ferrari Gran Turismo
●A 23-year-old Geo Prizm
●Grumpy Cat
●Cicadas
●The Dowager Countess
●The new “Great Gatsby”
● Eggplant parmigiana
●The Rolling Stones
●A house-size sinkhole
●An overactive bladder

●A vacation in Pyongyang
●A solar-powered butter churn
●A rash in the shape of Lake Huron
●The National Zucchini Fair
●A giant whoopee cushion

It’s our perennial contest — one we hadn’t done in a year — in which we
supply a random list of items, and you explain how any two of them are
alike or different. And it really is a random list: The Empress came up
with a few (including the Prizm, the wheels of choice of her
mother-in-law), and called upon the Loser Community to shout out
suggestions (such as the bladder) on the Style Invitational Devotees
page on Facebook.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial,

the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a giant whoopee cushion — deflated, it’s
the size of a jumbo pizza — that makes a commensurate noise. Modeled
here by the far-from-giant posterior of Theresa Kowal, a six-time Loser
and an extremely good sport, who volunteered for the photo shoot at last
weekend’s Flushies, the Losers’ annual awards “banquet.” Donated by Nan
Reiner.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag
.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet
.
First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Tuesday, May 28; results published June 16 (online June 13). No more
than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1022” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the
alternative headline for the “Next week’s contest” results is by
Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./

Oops! In last week’s results of our contest for “univocalic” headlines —
ones that contained only one of the letters A, E, I, O and U throughout
— we let an illegal one slip silently in, so to speak: “Mitt’s
Witticism: ‘I Win, Since I’m Still Rich’ ” didn’t have just I’s in it;
even after the mistake was pointed out, the Empress had to read it twice
to find the disqualifying letter.

*Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest to make new
words from sets of ScrabbleGrams letters. See bit.ly/invite1021. *

*Report from Week 1018, in which we gave you a list of nifty-sounding words coined by
contestants in previous neologism contests, and asked you to supply
funnier definitions than their authors had sent in.

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
*

*Troglodate:* When he asks if you like clubbing, get the details
first. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /

*2.* /*Winner of the “Not Everything Is Flat in Nebraska” T-shirt:* /
*Neuternet:* It’s best accessed with the EUNUCHS operating system.
/(Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)/

*3.* *Voldemart: *Wal-Mart rebrands for a more positive image./(Tim
Livengood, Columbia, Md.)/

*4. * *Whombat:* A grammarsupial that’s rapidly going extinct. /(Kevin
Dopart, Washington) /

*Ignoble salvages: honorable mentions*

*Troglodate:* His “man cave” is a man cave./(Thomas Calhoun, Bethesda,
Md., a First Offender) /

*Bleedership:* The ability to wring the last drop out of your employees.
/(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)/

*Snafood:* What happens when your waiter insists on “memorizing” six
meal orders at your table./(Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) /

*Testosteroni:* Pasta eaten over the kitchen sink and washed down with
beer. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) /

*Testosteroni:* The new side-dish mix from the makers of Manwich.
/(Sally Stokes, Silver Spring, Md., who got her only previous ink 13
years ago) /

*Testosteroni:* The specialty topping at that new pizza place, Papa
Johnson’s. /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/

*Smartyr:* One who conspicuously /doesn’t/ say, “I told you so,” having
perfected the skills of eye-rolling and the irritated sigh. /(Pam
Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/

*Appology:* What Lee offered Grant after their four-year
misunderstanding. /(Rob Huffman) /

*Scabinet:* A Republican president’s pool of potential nominees for
labor secretary. /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) /

*Foxic waste:* The dramatic physical decline of a once-attractive
person. “Did you see that picture of Val Kilmer in the National
Enquirer? What a foxic waste!” /(Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va.)/

*Fedative: *Powerful sleep aid manufactured in Washington. “Stop tossing
and turning and reach for the Federal Register — now formulated with
actuarial tables and 10-year budgetary scoring horizons!”/(Michael
Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) /

*Dreamergency:* Trying to spend just /one more minute/ with Beyonce
before you wake up. /(Rob Huffman)/

*Dreamergency:* To an ambulance chaser, it’s a two-bus crash. /(Dixon
Wragg)/

*Farticle:* What you get when journalists talk out of their other end.
“Did you see that farticle in the Drudge Report?” /(Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.) /

*Farticle:* Phenomenon whose origins are rarely accounted for; generally
thought tied to dark matter. /(Will Murtha, Washington, a First Offender)/

*Farticle:* The elementary building block of a puon. /(Stephen Dudzik,
Olney, Md.)/

*Humgram:* Type of telegram offered by your mama. And your mama’s
mama./(Dixon Wragg)/

*Humgram:* A voice message in which mumbles are substituted for
embarrassing words: “Ms. Smith, your husband was found at the mmm with a
hmmn, several ummms and a hmhm, and you can pick him up at the station.”
/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/

*Investicide:* Making a killing in the market — your own./(Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.) /

*Investicide:* “Hmm, this e-mail says owl pellet coffee is the next big
thing . . .” /(Martin Bancroft, Issaquah, Wash.) /

*Dollege:* “Dear Parent: Now that you’ve acquired Felicity, Addie or
Samantha, it’s time for your family to start planning her dollege
experience! You’ll be happy to learn that American Girl has counselors
and financing plans available . . .” /(Frank Osen)/

*Dollege:* Barbie’s latest play set comes complete with a sock for its
dorm room doorknob, beer bong and morning-after pills./(Lawrence
McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/

*Whombat:* Abbott and Costello’s DH./(Pam Sweeney)/

*Zomba:* Aerobics for the post-aerobic. /(Rob Huffman)/

*Zomba:* A device that randomly wanders the floor looking for brains.
The one they use on the Senate floor has been wandering for quite some
time. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

*Obviass:* Any posterior that is face-level on an escalator. /(Jeff
Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/

*Tattool:* A celebrity’s name engraved on an intimate area. “I was going
for a Kim Kardashian tattool, but I only had room for a Lil’ Kim.”
/(Frank Osen)/

*Tattool:* Any writing instrument in the hands of a 3-year-old./(Melissa
Balmain)/

*Pinhibition:* The practice of looking all around you to see who’s
nearby before beginning your ATM transaction. /(Christopher Lamora,
Guatemala City)/

*Agreeorist:* An expert witness who is happy to testify for either the
prosecution or the defense. /(Chris Doyle)/

*Geriair:* Empty space in the seat of an old person’s hitched-up pants.
/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

*Geriair:* If you pull Grandpa’s finger, you’ll find out exactly what it
is. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/

*Vermine:* It’s rat fur, the new guilt-free fashion trend. /(Phyllis
Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)/

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(posted late Thursday
afternoon), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the
Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in
the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on
Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in. /

*Next week’s results: What a Turnoff,* or *Laughed to Their Own Devices,
* our Week 1019 contest for what to do during
Screen-Free Week.

© The Washington Post Company