Style Invitational Week 929: Just sit right back and write a TV theme song

By Pat Myers,July 22, 2011

We wouldn’t usually spring two song parody contests on you in the space
of two months, but fate intervened: We mourn the passing here of the
wonderfully named Sherwood Schwartz, creator of “Gilligan’s Island

and “The Brady Bunch
among other TV classics — and, more pertinently, composer of their theme
songs, whose lyrics introduced the show by explaining the setup for the
story. Not Yet a Loser Fred Singerman suggested a neat idea: *Write a
funny song introducing a TV show, past or present. *The more obscure the
show is, the more you’ll have to explain and still be funny. The song
may be set to a Schwartz tune (“Gilligan”
; “Brady
”) or you can use any other
tune (even your own, if you want to sing it in a video you post online).

Winner gets the Inker,

the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of
Lunch Bugs,
pack of 24 sealable sandwich bags with a realistic-looking photo of a
roach or beetle embedded in each one. Nobody will steal your burrito
from the office fridge if it’s wrapped in one of these babies. Donated
by Loser Nan Reiner.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational
Loser T-shirt
yearned-for Loser Mug
. Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet.

First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for
their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results published Aug. 21
(Aug. 19 online). Include “Week 929” in your e-mail subject line, or it
may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. The revised title for
next week’s results is by Chris Doyle; this week’s honorable-mentions
subhead was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Judy Blanchard.

*Report from Week 925: A remeaning task,* in which we asked you to come up with a new definition for an actual
word beginning with I through O.

We had at least 300 good entries from
among the more than 2,500 submitted; believe us, you don’t want to read
300 entries, but the Empress did let the list of honorable mentions run
on longer than usual online. (We’ll also run a few more next week.) Some
of the entries below require you to pronounce the word differently from
the original.

*The winner of the Inker:*

*Knothole:* Someone who isn’t a jerk. /(Jamie Pazur, St. Simons Island,
Ga., a First Offender)/

*2.**Winner of the cowboy boot mugs and the glass boot filled with drink
mixer: **Linguine*: A person who insists on correcting someone’s grammar
or pronunciation when others are present. /(Theresa Kowal, Silver
Spring, Md.)/

*3.**Ignorant (n.):* A typical blog post./(Kevin Dopart, Washington;
Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/

*4.**Megawatt: *A state of total bewilderment or disbelief./(Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/

*Meaning-less: Honorable mentions*

*Lassitude:* “Timmy can get himself out of the #*@!@ well. I have better
things to do.” /(Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/

*Incantation:* Singing on the toilet. /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/

*Magnesia:* “I don’t recall buying any Playboys.” /(Chris Doyle, Ponder,

*Increase:* Where the thong went. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/

*Indigo:* Harrison Ford’s epitaph. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)/

*Open-pit: *Describing a sleeveless dress. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa,

*Newsletter:* The man controlling Internet access in China. /(Hampton
DeJarnette, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)/

*Mouthwatering:* Euphemism for waterboarding. /(Howard Walderman,
Columbia, Md.)/

*Juniper:* A mohel. /(Laurie Brink)/

*Kaleidoscope:* The doohickey the body shop uses to inspect your wrecked
car. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/

*Kidney:* A common place to put bandaids. /(Mike Inman, Lewes, Del.)/

*Opportune:* What them ladies with the horn-helmets sing. /(Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)/

*Orangutans:* People who try to look like Snooki. /(Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)/

*Lackadaisical:* What Donald Duck was after his divorce. /(Xin Yu,
Columbus, Ohio)/

*Lapidary: *A miniature pet camel. /(Todd Carton, Wheaton, Md.)/

*Kilogram:* A letter bomb. /(Chris Doyle)/

*Lambaste:* What Gordon Ramsay does when the meat’s too tough. /(Kathy
Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)/

*Infatuation:* XXL-rated lust. /(Rick Haynes, Potomac, Md.)/

*Intimacy:* The new name for what used to be Hecht’s lingerie
department. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/

*Impervious:* What convicted sex offenders are required to tell
everyone. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/

*Implore:* Stories like “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” /(Mae
Scanlan, Washington)/

*Karma:* The woman destined to chauffeur half the frickin’ neighborhood
to soccer practice. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/

*Mammaries: *Embarrassing stories from your childhood that your mother
never fails to recount. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

*Navigate:* Scandal on the high seas. /(Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)/

*Microwave:* One guy standing and waving his arms in a stadium. /(Leigh
Giza, Gainesville, Va.)/

*Jamboree:* Someone who yawns through a Grateful Dead concert. /(John
Shea, Philadelphia)/

*Manifesto:* A bachelor party. /(George Smith, Frederick, Md.)/

*Locomotive:* The insanity defense. /(Theresa Kowal)/

*Maddening:* Commenting on football games. “Joe wouldn’t stop maddening
for the entire second quarter.” /(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)/

*Indian summer: *Bangalore accountant. /(Pam Sweeney)/

*Installer:* A quickie in the restroom. /(Craig Dykstra)/

*International date line:*/Su place ou meine? (Chris Doyle)/

*Logarithm:* A series of exertions on the john. /(Vic Krysko, Surat
Thani, Thailand)/

*Lumberjack:* Slang for ED medicine. Also: forklift, upkeep. /(Brad
Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/

*Macaroon:* Someone who is one-eighth Scottish /(Mike Gips)/

*Marathon:* An all-day vandalism spree. /(Jeff Contompasis)/

*Maximize:* Enlarged pupils from reading men’s magazines. /(Mike Inman)/

*Mediocre:* A very specific but rather dull crayon hue. /(Christopher
Lamora, Guatemala City)/

*Melodious:* Australian slang for raving drunk. /(Judy Blanchard, Novi,

*Metaphor:* How you described your blind date who had a, um, very nice
personality. /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)/

*Monsoon:* Jamaican farewell. /(Chris Doyle)/

*Obscene:* Doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist and some idiot with a video
camera. /(Ward Kay, Vienna)/

*Indiana: *Birthplace of Prince William. /(Craig Dykstra)/

*Orthodox:* Dentists. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.)/

*Lasso:* The Marx sister. /(Judy Blanchard)/

*Midwife:*Bride bridging Marriages No. 1 and No. 3. /(David Klann,

*Itself:* Customary phone greeting in Middle Earth. /(Stephen Gold,
Glasgow, Scotland)/

/And last:/*Nutmeg:* A million Losers. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman)/

/And even laster: /*Invitational:* A contest anyone may enter. /(Russell
Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/