Style Invitational Week 927: Drive-by shoutings — Burma-Shave signs;
plus winning faux-chemical names

By Pat Myers,July 08, 2011



The Empress was besought recently to give another go to a contest we
last did 12 years ago: It’s for mini-poems written in the style of the
old Burma-Shave ads, which
used to appear on pre-interstate roadsides as a series of six little
signs, a few words at a time, either promoting the shaving cream or
serving as a PSA to drivers, as in “Big mistake­ / Many make: / Rely on
horn / Instead of / brake. / Burma-Shave.” Last time we asked for
welcome signs to states or towns; this week we’ll stay closer to the
original purpose: *Write a very short four-line “poem” promoting a
product or company, or offering advice to drivers; the poem must rhyme,
in ABAB or ABCB rhyme scheme. A fifth, non-rhyming line may state the
product name or a conclusion. * Don’t make the lines more than three or
four words each unless they’re very short.

Winner gets the Inker,

the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cloth
ball cap

from Cluster Springs Sanitary Services Portable Toilet Rentals of Middle
of Nowhere, Va. (a.k.a. Danville); the embroidered slogan on the back
says, “You dump --it, we pump --it.”



Donated by Loser Dave Komornik of Danville, who brought it up on a visit
to Washington.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational
Loser T-shirt
or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser
magnet.

First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for
their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results published Aug. 7
(Aug. 5 online). Include “Week 927” in your e-mail subject line, or it
may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational
. The revised title for
next week’s results is by Tom Witte; this week’s honorable-mentions
subhead is by chemical engineer Jeff Contompasis.

Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational
,
where the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with
news about the Loser Community. If you’d like an e-mail notification
each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online,
write to the Empress at losers @ washpost.com (note that in the subject
line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the
lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.

*Report from Week 923*, in which we asked for new chemical terms: By far the most frequent
submission was for “palinium”; we include two. Alas, the terms
“honoring” presidential candidates are all for Republicans; there just
weren’t any good Obama-themed entries.

*The winner of the Inker:*

*Binladium:* When combined with lead and immersed in water, it almost
instantly disappears. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/

2. *Winner of the football made entirely of Bubble Wrap:*

*Platitudinum: *A metal that becomes more dull each time it is used, yet
somehow is never discarded. /(Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)/



3. *Marionbarium:* Highly reactive with alcohol and other substances.
Difficult to purge from the system long after peak effectiveness.
/(Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.)/

4. *Madoffium:* Catalyst capable of turning liquid substance, overnight,
into absolutely nothin’. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/

*Byproducts & residue: Honorable mentions*

*Palinium:* Its magnetic properties decrease by half every year, but
never entirely dissipate. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/

*Palinium: * A rigid, polarizing substance that appears to glow brightly
when examined from the right side but appears to be a black hole when
viewed from the left. (/Bill Nilsen, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/

*Greecium:* A substance unable to stabilize because of its weak
bonds./(Lawrence McGuire)/

*Tachygiftcardium: *What symbiotic organisms give off in late December.
/(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) /

*Nordegrenium:

* Reacts violently with iron. /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)/

*Led:* A heavy metal. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/

*Pepconium: *Theoretically capable of great bursts of energy, it becomes
inert when in contact with water. /(Elden Carnahan)/

*Sulaimonoxide brownate:

* Activated by silver. Decomposes in hot water. /(Marcy Alvo)/

*Newtium:* Heavy element found often in Iowa and New Hampshire. Bonds
frequently but not permanently. Attracted to precious metals and gems.
Emits an inaudible buzz. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/

*Abbottabadite:* One explosive compound./(Mark Eckenwiler)/

*Bieberium: *An element of little substance or weight; apparently
harmless by itself, but added to any volume of shelium produces an
earsplitting squeal. (/Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) /

*Weinerium:* Volatile element that expands, flashes and then
self-destructs./(Nancy M. Lawrence, Annandale, Va.)/

*Ryanide poisoning:* A toxic reaction exacerbated by inadequate medical
care. /(Kathy El-Assal, Middletown, Wis., a First Offender)/


*Bachmannium:* Similar to palinium in its dullness and abrasive
properties but is lighter in weight despite being more dense. /(Scott I.
Berkenblit, Baltimore, a First Offender)/

*Sellulose:* Superabsorbent substance that sucks value from whatever it
touches; commonly used as home insulating material in the past decade.
(/Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md., a First Offender)/

*Arsenice:* Especially in those genes. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/



*Debtceilium:* Toxic gas that expands to infinity unless contained.
/(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/

*Cantonite: *Causes headaches in married women. /(Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)/

*
**Jockabromide:* Common substance found in locker rooms that never fails
to yield 110 percent one day at a time. /(Ira Allen) /

*Silicone bimboxide:* Compound that causes swollen protuberances on the
upper torso. /(Dixon Wragg)/

*Tatanium:* New marketing name for silicone. /(Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)/

*Alumnium:* The metal used to make class rings. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle
Beach, S.C.)/

*Romneyum:* Key ingredient of modern plastic; noted for reversing
polarity at will. /(Stephen J. Kelley, Sykesville, Md., a First Offender) /

*Stromtium 90:* Reproductive agent that remains potent throughout an
exceedingly long half life./(Ira Allen)/

*Next week: History in the remaking,* or *Jesterday*