The Style Invitational Week 911 Help!
By Pat Myers, Friday, March 18, 2:54 PM

Man: My wife has been attacked by a warthog!

911 dispatcher: Where are you located?

Man: 1845 Eucalyptus Drive.

911: Can you spell that?

Man: Uh, I’ll drag her on over to Oak Street .?.?.

That’s basically the dialogue in a recorded “911 call” that’s been making the online rounds and sounds uncannily like a well-delivered comedy sketch. Because even the Invite doesn’t do 9/11 jokes (well, not many), Loser Doug Frank suggests we exploit the week number this way: Create a short, humorous dialogue – or a monologue featuring one party — of a phone call to 911, or a call for help to someone else.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, discourtesy of Loser for Life Tom Witte, a seemingly well-used copy of “The Self-Destruction Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You.”

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 28; results to be published April 17 (April 15 online). Include “Week 911” in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp.


Report from Week 904.5: The second half of your neologisms formed by moving the first letter of a real word to the end: Take a second to see what the original word was — it always relates to the new word.

The winner of the Inker

Ommutec: The Egyptian god of wasted time. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

2 Winner of the basketball-hoop-on-your-head game: Pectacles: Gladiator movies. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

3 Poonerisms: Wordplay used to sneak a dirty joke into print. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

4 Uh: How most Americans would respond, if asked to name the President of China. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Moved to the rear: Honorable mentions

NCyclopediae: Reference books accessible only to ages 17 and up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)

Noozes: Periods of “watching” CNN in your recliner. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

Normouse: A giant Scandinavian rat. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C., a First Offender)

Nthilla: A grain of sand. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich)

NYthinga: What you buy from a Manhattan street vendor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Oblessen: Take from the poor and give to the rich. “All GOP congressional freshmen eventually learn to oblessen.” (Kevin Dopart)

Octorated: Took eight years to get three letters. (Christopher Lamora)

Oinc: The ka-ching of pork-barrel spending. (Kevin Dopart)

Olcatl: The Aztec god of silly Internet memes. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)

Omunculush: A really ugly drunk. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)

Onnaget: A new device to provide boarding assistance for extremely large airline passergers. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Onotonym: A boring nickname. (Kevin Dopart)

Oogleg: A Web site you pore over for half an hour when you’d been searching for something else. (Jan Broulik, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)

Oreak: A creature that has a splendidly developed lower half, but a sparse and hideous upper half. (Tom Witte)

Ornadot: Map marking designating a trailer park. (Kevin Dopart)

Ortlyp: The scientific term for jowls. (Tom Witte)

Osseling: The act of publicly displaying one’s children for profit. (Bill Oldach, Potomac, a First Offender)

Ouched: Called a demeaning name. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Ouchet: The sting of a witty rebuttal. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Oursy: Kind of belonging to both of us even though I didn’t pay for any of it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Piglottise: To talk while eating. (Vic Krysko)

Possumo: Specialty of Trattoria Westvirginico. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Roublet: Rural French child you can see coming from a kilometre away. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Rumpt: Fired from an apprenticeship. (Nathan Lindsey, Arlington; Sande Brecher, Rockville, both First Offenders)

Sic: Describing overly graphic TV crime dramas. (Craig Dykstra)

Sparagusa: A Mediterranean tourist spot that’s a bit of an acquired taste . . . and smell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Steriska: A Soviet “female” athlete. (Tom Witte)

Tahu: New name for the Great Salt Lake to attract more tourists (Tony Phelps, Washington)

Theista: A Sunday morning nap. (Lynda Gattozzi, Bethesda, a First Offender)

Ummush: Hummus. (Brendan Beary)

Undays: When you fix the things you messed up the rest of the week. (Paul Rubenstein, Manassas Park, a First Offender)

Uplicated: Made twice as difficult. (Kevin Dopart)

Zone-O: The really high seats at FedEx. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

And Last: M-presse: The first part of the butt-kissing procedure. (Craig Dykstra)

Next week: Recast away, or Role muddles