The Style Invitational contest Week 907 Naming rite
By Pat Myers
Sunday, February 13, 2011;
The Customer Service Penalty Box at Verizon Center
The Sarah Palin Anchor on the USS John S. McCain
News last month that Metro was considering selling commercial naming rights to its train stations set off a flurry of waggish suggestions such as Big MacPherson Square, Burger King Street, etc. Invite-on-the-Brain Loser Kevin Dopart suggests we take the practice further: This week: Come up with a creative, somehow fitting sponsor for some public facility or part of one, as in Kevin's examples above.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a packet of Instant Underpants, a white disk that you soak in water to get . . . a pair of soaking-wet disposable underpants. Donated by Uberloser Russell Beland, who may well be wearing a pair right now in his big-shot Pentagon office.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 21; results to be published March 13 (March 11 online). Put "Week 907" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Please see washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for more rules and guidelines. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner.
Report from Week 903, our biennial contest to create "joint legislation" by combining the names of two or more freshman members of Congress:
As usual, some of the more than 1,000 entries were utterly undecipherable; others came with helpful keys that explained, for example, that "Roby Pearce Pompeo Paul" should be read as "Rob Peter to pay Paul." The following are much more valid, but if some of these bills still stymie you, see the same list with translations here.
The winner of the inker
The Yoder-Scott-Toomey Environmental Health Act to prevent stores at mall entrances from gassing customers with clouds of perfume. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
2 Winner of the set of prints of the "Golden Girls" actresses as zombies: The Duncan-Meehan-Ellmers Act to broaden the standards for what constitutes a chemical peel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
3 The Duncan-Pearce Act to reform CIA interrogation techniques. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
4 The Johnson-Hanabusa Act, which that would make self-gratification a federal crime. (Matt Kane, New York, a First Offender)
Statutes with limitations: honorable mentions
Adams-Ribble-Walsh-Landry Act adding to legal duties for married women, joining cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and childbirth (a.k.a. the Offense of Marriage Act) (Dave Zarrow, Reston)
Barletta-Young-Boozman-Hanna-Gibson-Toomey Act prohibiting underage bartenders. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria)
Ellmers-Long-West bill shortening wabbit season to one month. (Mitch Bailin, Alexandria, a First Offender)
Kinzinger-Ribble-Hurt Resolution to condemn mother-in-law jokes. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
Lee-Nunnalee Act for treatment of the chronically indecisive (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif)
Pearce-Johnson-Guinta-Hurt Law, requiring a three-day waiting period before a man can obtain a "Prince Albert." (Brendan Beary)
Black-Denham-Gosar-Ribble-Lee congressional dress code. Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
The Young-Meehan-Dold-Johnson Act commemorating the life of Anna Nicole Smith (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)
Bass-Bass-Johnson-Johnson-Scott-Scott Act to proclaim Walla Walla the new capital. (John J. Dobbins, Charlottesville, a First Offender)
Young-Toomey Act to raise the Medicare eligibility age to 78. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, age 82)
Hannah-Woodall-Toomey Lumber Monopoly Act. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Pearce-Meehan-Hurt Act to strengthen libel laws (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del., a First Offender)
Webster-Quayle Act to require dictionaries to include "potatoe" as an alternative spelling. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.; Pam Sweeney)
The Roby-Ayotte Stimulus Bill to give every American a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and a thou. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Gowdy-Amash Igitur Act would prohibit Latin majors from singing while intoxicated. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Paul-Lee-Hannah Unbridled Optimism Encouragement Act (Michael Duffy, Washington; Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Roby-Long-Toomey Act requiring ID chip implants in caviar. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Steve Glomb)
Womack-Walsh-Johnson Act promoting hygiene in locker rooms across America. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
Hannah-Lee-Nunnelly Act to replace "higgledy-piggledly" in double dactyls. (Jeff Brechlin)
Buerkle-Lee-Yoder Act to allow marijuana smoking outdoors (Joint Resolution 420). (Nan Reiner)
Gardner-Hurt-Noem Lawn Beautification Act (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) in conjunction with the Noem-Hurt-Gardner Lawn Terrorism Prevention Act (Anne Holsinger, Fairfax)
Long-Bass-Scott Act to add a five-point score for NBA half-court shots. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)
Meehan-Portman Act, a.k.a. the Hey, a Fella Can Dream Act. (Dave Zarrow)
Next week: Move on back, or Hits from Shinola
The Style Invitational 'joint legislation' results with translations
By Pat Myers
Sunday, February 13, 2011; 12:00 AM
Our biennial contest to combine the names of freshman members of Congress into "joint legislation" tends to cause more than the usual amount of head-scratching among readers of the results: Sometimes what's screamingly obvious to one person is utterly mystifying to another.
The Empress did figure out all of the entries below without much difficulty, but when she showed them to her predecessor, the Czar, he responded with "huh??" to a number of them - until she explained them, patiently as if to a sweet but slightly foggy aunt; then he'd say, "Ah, right. Very funny!" (This is not to cast more aspersions than usual on the Czar; during his reign years ago, when he showed the same sort of entries to me, I responded in just the same way.)
Below is a translation and/or explanation of each entry. To see the results without the answer keys, click here (results appear below the new contest).
The winner of the Inker:
The Yoder-Scott-Toomey Environmental Health Act to prevent stores at mall entrances from gassing customers with clouds of perfume. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) (The odor's got to me.)
2 The Duncan-Meehan-Ellmers Act to broaden the standards for what constitutes a chemical peel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) (Dunkin' me in Elmer's [glue].)
3 The Duncan-Pearce Act to reform CIA interrogation techniques. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) (Dunk 'n' pierce.)
4 The Johnson-Hanabusa Act, which that would make self-gratification a federal crime. (Matt Kane, New York, a First Offender) (Johnson-hand-abuser.)
Statutes with limitations: Honorable mentions
Adams-Ribble-Walsh-Landry Act adding to legal duties for married women, joining cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and childbirth (a.k.a. the Offense of Marriage Act) (Dave Zarrow, Reston) (Adam's rib'll wash laundry.)
Barletta-Young-Boozman-Hanna-Gibson-Toomey Act prohibiting underage bartenders. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) (Bar let a young booze-man hand a Gibson to me.)
Ellmers-Long-West bill shortening wabbit season to one month. (Mitch Bailin, Alexandria, a First Offender) (Elmer's long rest.)
Kinzinger-Ribble-Hurt Resolution to condem mother-in-law jokes. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) (Kin-zinger rib'll hurt.)
Lee-Nunnalee Act for treatment of the chronically indecisive (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif) (Lee vs. None of Lee.)
Pearce-Johnson-Guinta-Hurt Law, requiring a three-day waiting period before a man can obtain a "Prince Albert." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) (Pierce johnson - goin' to hurt.)
Black-Denham-Gosar-Ribble-Lee congressional dress code. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Nan Reiner, Alexandria) (Black denim goes horribly.)
The Young-Meehan-Dold-Johnson Act commemorating the life of Anna Nicole Smith (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) (Young me and the old johnson.)
Bass-Bass-Johnson-Johnson-Scott-ScottAct to proclaim Walla Walla the new capital. (John J. Dobbins, Charlottesville, a First Offender) (Even you don't need this one explained.)
Young-Toomey Act to raise the Medicare eligibility age to 78. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, age 82) (Young to me.)
Hannah-Woodall-Toomey Lumber Monopoly Act. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) (Hand the wood all to me.)
Pearce-Meehan-Hurt Act to strengthen libel laws (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del., a First Offender) (Pierce me and hurt.)
Webster-QuayleAct to require dictionaries to include "potatoe" as an alternative spelling. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.; Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) (This one we're not explaining, either.)
The Roby-Ayotte Stimulus Bill to give every American a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and a thou. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) (The Rubaiyat, the collection of poems containing that line.)
Gowdy-Amash Igitur Act: Would prohibit Latin majors from singing while intoxicated. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) (The old drinking song "Gaudeamus Igitur.")
Paul-Lee-HannahUnbridled Optimism Encouragement Act (Michael Duffy, Washington; Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) (Pollyanna.)
Roby-Long-Toomey Act requiring ID chip implants in caviar. (Kevin Dopart; Steve Glomb) (Roe belong to me.)
Womack-Walsh-Johnson Act promoting hygiene in locker rooms across America. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) (Whoa, mac! Wash johnson!)
Hannah-Lee-Nunnelly Act to replace "higgledy-piggledly" in double dactyls. (Jeff Brechlin) (Noting the waltzing dactyl meter.)
Buerkle-Lee-Yoder Act to allow marijuana smoking outdoors (Joint Resolution 420). (Nan Reiner) (Berkeley odor.)
Gardner-Hurt-Noem Lawn Beautification Act (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) in conjunction with the Noem-Hurt-Gardner Lawn Terrorism Prevention Act (Anne Holsinger, Fairfax) (Gardener hurt gnome . . .)
Long-Bass-Scott Act to add a five-point score for NBA half-court shots. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries) (Long basket.)
Meehan-Portman Act, a.k.a. the Hey, a Fella Can Dream Act. (Dave Zarrow) (Me and [Natalie] Portman)
_____
Labrador Johnson Coates - provides contraception for stray dogs to keep populations down (Bird Waring)
Long-Blunt-Johnson-Harris-Black Act In Aid of Identifying Public Exhibitionists (Elden Carnahan) [I was ready to run this one, but even the Czar thought it "too explicit"]
Blunt-Young-Johnson Infant Circumcision Act (everyone)
Pearce-Denham-Hurt-Johnson Act: Would make it illegal for sword-fighting stunt doubles to wears jeans on the job. (Beverley Sharp)
The Johnson-Johnson-Hannah-Mulvaney Act, to allow replacing the rooster atop weather vanes with the East African dik-dik. (Brendan Beary)
Ellmers-West-Johnson Act promoting sexual abstinence during hunting season. (Bruce Alter)
Ribble-Dold-Johnson ED Medication Subsidy Bill (Steve Offutt)
Gibbs-Heck-Sewell-Lee-Long-Johnson Erectile Dysfunction Pharmaceutical Manufacturers’ Support Act. (Nan Reiner, plus others with less elaborate entries)
The Pearce-Dold-Johnson Act, encouraging body art in retirement communities. (Christopher Lamora and others with similar entries)
Hurt-Johnson proposal – to require athletic cups for all high school men’s sports (Craig Dykstra)
Quayle-Johnson bill – to ban the importation of certain European delicacies (Craig Dykstra)
The Hurt-Johnson-Stivers-Heck Act to ban the dispensing of ED drugs in old soldiers homes. [stiff as] (Chris Doyle, who obviously realized that "Stivers" was too much of a stretch)
Long-Johnson-Stivers measure to recognize the contribution of Nantucket poetry to modern culture. [Long johnson sty verse] (Kevin Dopart, with even more of a stretch)
Blunt-Johnson Bill to tax internet porn (Nate Lee, Palos Verdes Estes, Calif.)
The Scott-Johnson bill to establish a minimum length for kilts. (Dion Black)
The Grimm-Canseco-Johnson bill to raise awareness that steroids do not make everything bigger. (Dion Black)
Hurt-Long-Johnson Act mandating zipper safety guards. (Kevin Dopart, Mike Ostapiej)
Pearce-Johnson Act to increase punishments for sex crimes. (Doug Frank)
Pearce-Long-Johnson bill to provide for insurance-covered penile implants. (Edie Evans, Stafford, Va.)
Johnson-Coats-Hurt Act for Reform of Prophylactic Manufacturing (Elden Carnahan and others similar)
Noem-Moran-Johnson Act Restricting Male-Female Ratios in Consensual Acts (Elden Carnahan) [not sure I got that one -- "No more than one johnson"?]
Barletta-Boozman-Pearce-Johnson Bill to allow bartenders to do body adornment (Eliezer May)
The Young-Gardner-Hurt-Long-Johnson Act requiring padding on rake handles (George Vary)
Pearce-Guinta-Hurt-Dold-Johnson supplemental health care bill providing post operative care after delicate man-part body mods. (Gregory Bartolett)
Coats-Toomey-Johnson & Kinzinger: Health Care rider bill supporting a man's role in birth control.(Coats to my Johnson and can zing her, he helpfully explained.)
"And Last (Because everyone will submit this...)" --[I love what people think EVERYONE will submit] Dold-Johnson-Young-Johnson Act for Raising Awareness of the brawn and muscle of big pharma and their turgid thrust behind television ad campaigns during family hour. (Gregory Bartolett)
Long-Johnson-Hurt bill to penalize drug companies for dosages that last more than four hours. (Ira Allen and others)
The Fleishmann-Long-Johnson Research Funding Act to investigate the side effects of raising agents on bakery workers (Jane Auerbach)
The Ellmers-Hurt-Young-Johnson Craft Supplies Warning Label Act (Jane Auerbach)
The Noem-Walberg-Gowdy-Lee-Long-Johnson Act bans celebrities from appearing in underwear ads (Jane Auerbach)
The BROOKS-SCOTT-YOUNG-JOHNSON Act to discourage rampant cougarism. (Jeff Brechlin)
The RENACCI-YOUNG-JOHNSON Act to get Renee some help for her voyeurism (Jeff Brechlin)
Long-Young-Johnson-Hurt Act to mandate teaching of sexual abstinence in High School. (Jim Lubell)
Hurt-Ellmers-Johnson Bill – Imposes extremely harsh penalties for out-of-season wabbit hunting. (Pam
Sweeney)
Nugent-Long-Johnson Bill – banning peeking in the Senate men's room. (Pam Sweeney)
Young-Nugent-Scott-Long-Johnson Bill – Taunting about new boyfriend's attributes justifies alimony reductions. (Pam Sweeney)
Gibson-Tipton-Johnson/Gibson-Tipton-Denham Bill – Defines how lewd the come-on must be before a woman is justified in throwing her drink in a man's crotch. (Pam Sweeney)
Webster-Schilling-Long-Johnson Bill – Requiring all male enhancement spam to include a "you still have to learn how to use it" disclaimer. (Pam Sweeney)
Meehan-Toomey-Johnson Bill telling TSA screeners what junk they can touch (Dan McCauley, Staunton, Va.)
Long Flores Young Johnson Act - To pay for psychological counseling for men with ED. (Rick Haynes; I didn't get this)
Pearce Moran Hurt Johnson Act - To prohibit Mohels from more than one attempt at a proper circumcision. (Rick Haynes)
Long-Grimm-Johnson Act to surgically correct enhanced appendages gone bad. (Roger Dalrymple)
The Johnson-Johnson Bill to regulate gay porn movies. (Roy Ashley)
Johnson-Johnson Act: mandates the creation of a shampoo specifically for genitals (William Stutzman)
The meta approach: The Long-Johnson Bill prohibiting the election of two or more new members of Congress whose combined names would prove irresistible to the infantile minds of the Style Invitational Loser community. (Roy Ashley)
And: Long-Johnson-Hurt Act censors Post contest for planting bogus names (Steve Fahey)
And, rather elegantly: The Johnson-Johnson Joint Resolution (Bruce Alter; Marty McCullen)
The Scarlet Letters
There were also some very good entries that I would have printed in another universe:
Fleishmann-Coates-Johnson Healthier Tango in Paris Act (Ward Kay)
The Buschon-Johnson bill to recount the results of the 9th season of "Dancing with the Stars."
Young Canseco Long Johnson Act to regulate female rock star access to athletic “wood” (Stephen Gaull, Arlington)
And let's not forget:
Buschon-Southerland subsidy – to provide merkins for the needy (Craig Dykstra)