Week 896: Other people's business

1. Starbucks
2. A police department
3. FedEx Field
4. A preschool
5. L'Oreal cosmetics
6. A nuclear-waste disposal site
7. An adult bookstore
8. A law firm
9. "Dancing With the Stars"
10. A street-corner hot dog vendor
11. The tea party
12. The Democratic Party

Here's a contest we debuted last year, with different elements. This week: Describe what might happen if any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or (b) ran an institution of your choice. Your choice may be an institution from the list, too.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome decal: the ultimate window dressing for a Style Invitational Loser's vehicle of choice - and it coordinates so well with a few loser magnets on the trunk lid. Made of vinyl and about five inches square, it goes on the outside of the glass and so can be stuck onto most other places as well. The Empressmobile is definitely going to get one of these. Donated by Craig Dykstra.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 6. Put "Week 896" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Dec. 25, since you'll have nothing else to do that day. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.

Report from Week 892, in which we asked you to suggest moving something from one location to another.

This contest brought out a lot of what we call screedy entries: politically passionate and often nasty, but not very funny. Then again, they were sent during election week, a time to test even a Loser's sense of humor.

The winner of the Inker

Every summer, move Abraham Lincoln's chair down the steps so he can dip his feet in the Reflecting Pool. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

2. Move the Washington Monument to Yellowstone National Park right in front of Old Faithful. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

3. Switch the Inner and Outer loops of the Beltway, so that politicians will technically be telling the truth about their "outside-the-Beltway" mentality. (Danny Bravman, Chicago)

4. Move down the R in the vertical NPR banner outside its D.C. offices so they can insert a letter and make it "NO PR." (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

The shift list: honorable mentions

Spin Wyoming around 180 degrees just to see how long it takes before anyone notices. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Install "The Awakening" in Giants Stadium, in memory of Jimmy Hoffa. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Move the White House to Kenya; then Barack Obama couldn't be president because he wasn't born there. (John Holder, Charlotte)

Reunite the Longaberger basket company headquarters with the "shopping bag building" in Tysons Corner. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

First you need one of those robot submarine things, and then go down and literally rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. ( Russell Beland)

Move the Earth a little farther north so it won't be affected by global warming. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

Redeploy U.S. forces from Afghanistan to Detroit, to build schools and provide security. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

I'd move our right arms to the left sockets and vice versa, so we could scratch our own backs without awkward, expensive appurtenances such as back-scratchers and spouses. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)

Move guys' brains inside their skulls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Move the location of each Metro escalator step at a steady rate - a rate that's not zero, for once. (Kevin Dopart)

Move the Egyptian pyramids to the U.S.-Mexico border and arrange them right side up, upside down, right side up . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

For added irony, move the Arc de Triomphe from Paris to a country that has gone even longer without triumph - hmm, how about Carthage. (Russell Beland)

Say, is there anything left of the Berlin Wall? If so, could they please move it to Yuma? - Gov. J. Brewer (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Move spy Anna Chapman back to the United States so she may be properly held. Not necessarily for questioning. (Jeff Contompasis)

Move Niagara Falls to Bethesda - no, wait, WSSC did that two years ago. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)

Slide the White House 10 1/2 blocks east - to 666 Pennsylvania Ave., where it belongs. - G. Beck (Chris Doyle)

Move an Egyptian pyramid up against the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

Switch the names and statuses of Wyoming and Washington, D.C., so that Wyoming's 544,000 residents get the great prestige of living in the nation's capital and D.C.'s 600,000 residents get two senators and a real House representative. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)

Move Donald Trump's cheese. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Move the Manassas battlefield to Capitol Hill, where the battles of bull run daily. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Move the center of the universe to [address of arrogant, egotistical relative/co-worker]. (David D. Johnson, Alexandria)

Move the Ground Zero mosque 2 1/2 blocks away so its name is like, you know, accurate. (Chris Doyle)

Move the Spy Museum to an undisclosed location. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)

Next week: Give us a hint, or The wee-tale market