Week 868: Let us count the ways


On Facebook recently, the poetically inclined Loser Brendan Beary mused that he "heard '99 Luftballons' for the first time in about 20 years or so. Of course I wonder how many Luftballons that would be today, if they were adjusted for inflation." The more pragmatically inclined Loser Peter Metrinko read his post and thought: Style Invitational contest.

This week: Give us some musings of a technical wonk.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a book called "Pun Enchanted Evenings," which was sent to the Empress in hopes that she would publicize it. Okay! Among the "746 original word plays" that will "make you laugh out loud -- guaranteed": "What would you call an illness you get every six months? Sicklical." "What would you call a washroom on Mount St. Helens when it's erupting? A lava-tory!"

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 17. Put "Week 868" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Phil Frankenfeld; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.

Loser on board: In the slideshow at the top right of this page is a photo of Uberloser Russell Beland's car, defaced (at least temporarily) with some of the hundreds of Loser bumper stickers and magnets he's won over the years. Surely he'll be driving it to Saturday's Flushies, the Losers' annual awards luncheon, in College Park.

Report From Week 864, in which we asked you to take the concept of a spoonerism and apply it to a single word or a name to create a new term.

The little hitch was that we didn't define very well what a spoonerism was -- we basically said that you had to move some letters around -- and so we resolved to be flexible in what we allowed, in keeping with the primary Style Invitational dictum of It Has to Be Funny.

The winner of the Inker

Inpocchio: Imprisonment for lying. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)

2. winner of the genuine Splat brand Russian toothpaste in chili flavor:

Thirber: Someone who makes up a story about the secret life of another person. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

3. Karping: "You'll never fit in that space, Harold. You're too close to the curb, Harold!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

4. Scorohope: Believing you'll get lucky because of your sign. (Chris Lopez, Reston, a First Offender)

Hashed dopes: Honorable mentions

Carsophagus: A hearse. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Merthometer: Something to let you know how much fun you're having. (Arthur Gardner, Brookfield, Wis., a First Offender; Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Revizon: A cable company whose rates increase every month. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Cardhore: A serious shopaholic. (Craig Dykstra)

Irefarms: Rural militia camps. (Chris Doyle)

Moca: The new anti-caffeinated drink from Starbucks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Golyplot: Oh gosh, I bet those those jabbering foreigners are conspiring against us! (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

Copmuter: A radar detector. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Spacerhype: A NASA press release. (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario, a First Offender)

Batty-Batty-Ching-Ching: Michelle Bachmann's fundraising strategy. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Limitiaman: A gun control advocate. (Chris Doyle)

Beenytopper: A yarmulke with Justin Bieber's picture on it. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman)

Bellyjeans: Your pants on Easter Monday. (Craig Dykstra)

Retromail: An even slower way to move things around D.C. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Wishdasher: A husband who dines, then reclines. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

Doomy's: Bearish Wall Street ratings service. "The Dow is falling! The Dow is falling!" (Chris Doyle)

Cop porn: Blue movies. (Ann Martin)

Spintripe: A corporate spokesman. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)

Nagivator: A GPS that tells you where to go in that special tone of voice. (Richard Gilliam, Hyattsville, a First Offender)

Cureaubrat: An administrator at a reform school. (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Budapest)

Phedopile: What the public has gotten from the Vatican. (Anne Kinney, Charlottesville, a First Offender)

Notechlogist: A guy who still cuts trees with an ax. (John English, Falls Church, a First Offender)

Fedecate: To drop another load of unfunded congressional mandates. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Gamazine: A publication devoted to shapely legs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Lasoon: Where cowboys go to tie one on. (Jeff Contompasis)

Lootfights: Broadway contract negotiations. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Medocrat: a liberal with big health-care ideas. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn. )

Misday: The realization that you're never going to get to that morning meeting after last night's bender. (Ward Kay, Vienna)

Varioli: Pasta stuffed with leftovers. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

Nemisary: Where Inspector Javert, Lex Luthor and Dumbledore went to college. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)

Porculent: Same as the original. (Tim Livengood, Columbia)

Poreflay: What goes on in a Swedish sauna. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)

Quipspeak: Kids say the darnedest things. (Chris Doyle; William Bradford, Washington)

Rattmess: Why you should never sleep at a one-star motel. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman)

Staypub: To drink away the few bucks left of your wages after taxes. (Ernie Staples, Burtonsville)

Tealmime: Someone gesturing wildly for Heimlich assistance. (Kevin Dopart)

Veepish: Unhappy at accepting second billing. (Lois Douthitt)

Wee fray: A mild case of road rage. (Craig Dykstra)

Ramathon: A five-hour demolition derby. (Tom Witte)

Yarnbard: Aesop. (Craig Dykstra)

Next week: "No Googlenopes left," or Nyetscape