Week 865: 'No Googlenopes Left'


This column's headline is indeed a Googlenope -- a phrase that produces an announcement of "no results found" when you type it into the universe's biggest search engine since Nero Wolfe. (Or it was at press time.) We did our first Googlenope contest -- the term was coined by two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning poop joke writer Gene Weingarten -- back in 2007, and received thousands of entries.

Three years later, the Google universe is exponentially larger. Are there any funny Googlenopes still out there -- or have we reached the end of our 'nope?

Of course they're out there. This week: Come up with a humorous Googlenope; you may enclose your phrase in quotation marks (which narrows the search) if it has 10 words or fewer; if that's the case, also include the quotation marks when submitting your entry.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Pet Rat Gummi Candy, which is like a Gummi Bear except that it is nine inches long, two inches wide and black. And looks disturbingly like a squashed rat. Donated with glee by Loser Melissa Yorks.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets (in a TBA new design!). First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 26. Put "Week 865" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp.

Report from Week 861, in which we you combined the names of longtime incumbent members of Congress to produce "joint legislation."

The Empress slogged through almost 2,000 entries, many of which sounded like the words their authors intended only in the deluded little cocoon-brains of said authors. "Mica-Linder" for "my calendar." "Kingston-King" for "king stinking." And sorry, Mr./Ms. Hundreds of Losers, Rep. John Boehner calls himself "Bayner." (Also, Rep. Obey says "Obie"; Boucher, "Boocher"; Levin, "Levvin"; Goodlatte, "Goodlet"; Inouye, "In-no-way.")

The winner of the In ker

The Rush-Farr-Olver-Waters-Slaughter-Towns-Kaptur-Hastings-Castle-Kildee-King act to commemorate the achievements of William the Conqueror in 1066. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

2. the winner of the 1976 "Losers" comic book: The Shelby-Filner-Skelton bill to allow force-feeding of fashion models. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

3. The Edwards-Johnson-Kildee-Deal Presidential Qualifications Act (Michael Duffy, Washington, a First Offender)

4. Akaka-Mica-Waters-Brown measure to increase funding for the Blue Plains treatment plant. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

They got the acts: Honorable mentions

The Holden-Frank-Olver-Camp-Farr National Parks Culinary Act (Steve Glomb, Alexandria)

The Boxer-Shelby-Akaka bill to encourage radical genetic engineering in spaniel breeding. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

The Tanner-Levin Act Establishing Flexible Start Times for Committee Meetings (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

The Dreier-Slaughter CIA appropriations bill to fund bloodless coups. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

The Levin-Eshoo Housing Assistance Act for old women with many children. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)

The Boxer-Bachus-Brown "Wipe Out Incontinence" Act (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

The Watt-Akaka-Deal buyer's remorse act (Jonathan Paul; Rick Haynes, Potomac)

The Rush-Farr-Watt Act to institute a national DMV motto. (Kevin Dopart)

The Holden-Akaka Troubled Asset Relief Program No. 2 (Larry Gordon, Potomac, whose last ink was in 1994)

The Byrd-Hatch-Feingold bill to reduce the deficit by selling shares in a goose said to produce valuable eggs. (Jonathan Paul; Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

The Dreier-Inouye Prohibition Prohibition Act (Dana Austin, Falls Church, a First Offender)

The Kildee-Levin-Young bill to censure bad animal mothers (Bruce Evans, Arlington)

The Eshoo-Boxer Commando Authorization Act (Les Holmes, Silver Spring, a First Offender)

The Slaughter-Pelosi Republican Reconciliation Act (Rick Wood, Falls Church)

The Watt-Boucher-Kildee-Byrd Market Poultry Origin Identification Act (Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.)

The Waters-Stearns bill to require hotels to include bidets. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Rush-Payne Relief Act to provide everyone with a radio mute button. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

The Byrd-Hatch-Cochran-Farr Deadbeat-Father Child Support Act (Ward Kay, Vienna; Dion Black, Washington)

The Rangel-Castle-Inhofe bill for equitable division of divorce proceeds. (Craig Dykstra)

The Farr-Eshoo-Payne-Buyer-King-Kildee-Deal Bill to allow penalty-free returns of ill-fitting footwear. (Craig Dykstra)

The Eshoo-Pastor-Holden-Young-Olver-Kohl-Waters Act to prohibit baptism of infants by river immersion. (Beverley Sharp)

The Inouye-Lowey-Leahy Yodeling Appreciation Act (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

The Waters-Rush-Pastor-Hatch Act to legalize skinny-dipping. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)

The Johnson-Johnson-Levin-Levin-Lewis-Lewis-Smith-Smith-Young-Young Grand Canyon Preservation Act. (Michael Duffy)

The Watt-Engel-Eshoo-Holden Urinal Splatter Prevention Act requiring better aim in public restrooms. (Kevin Dopart)

The Tanner-Peterson-Waters Act to promote nude sailing. (John Holder, Charlotte)

Kildee-Scott-King-Duncan Bill to posthumously indict Macbeth for his actions in Act II. (Craig Dykstra)

The Byrd-Inouye resolution honoring the heroism of pilot Chesley Sullenberger. (Mark Eckenwiler)

The Kohl-Dorgan bill funding cures for impotence. (Mark Eckenwiler)

The Holden-Young-Johnson Act to research the causes of blindness (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Farr-Inouye, the best act that's ever been passed. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.)

And Last: The Taylor-Akaka resolution recognizing the Empress's editing for style and taste. (Kevin Dopart)

Next week: Be cheerful, or Blurb your enthusiasm