Week 849: Homonymphomania -- Make a new homonym


Auntacid: Saliva on a tissue used to wipe your face. (Mike Levy)

Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. (Milo Sauer)

Masseuss: A Lorax who rubs your thorax. (Tom Witte)

Here's a neologism contest we did once before, back in 2002 when the Invitational confused everyone, including itself, in its middle years with Roman numerals: Create a new homonym (or homophone, for you linguo-nerdy types) of any existing word and define it, as in the examples above, the top entries for Week CXLVIII. The new word must be spelled so that it is obviously pronounced the same as the original word.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives this "soft sculpture" (a.k.a. pantyhose-faced creepy knickknack) depicting see/hear/speak-no-evil, which is not exactly the Invite Entry Philosophy but does at least produce a similar expression of "ick" (especially by the ready-to-barf guy on the right); donated by Loser Craig Dykstra and his mom, Shirley (see slideshow at right).

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 4. Put "Week 849" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart.

Report from Week 845, in which we supplied a list of neologisms submitted in several previous contests and challenged you to come up with your own definitions:

The winner of the Inker

Botherhood: A group such as the United Telephone Solicitors, the American Association of Fragrance Sprayers, and the Fraternal Order of People Who Really Need Their Petition Signed. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

2. the winner of the elephant-dung-mache Christmas ornaments: C-SPANdex: Coverage of Congress that provides way too much information. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

3. Attacky: Not removing your Odor Eaters before throwing your shoes at the president. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

4. Frostitute: A Siberian hussy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Def Valley: Honorable Mentions

Academicrobe: What must be causing the verbal-diarrhea epidemic among college professors. (Andrea Kelley, Brookeville)

Adiposeur: Someone who exaggerates his weight at the beginning of a diet so his "loss" will be more impressive. (Michael Turner, Takoma Park)

Amiss Manners: The columnist you ask, "Which fork do I use to pick my nose at the table?" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Anomalyrics: A country song in which you land the promotion, you keep your wife, and your dog finds his way home. (Dion Black, Washington)

Antipatherapy: The practice of the Viennese psychiatrist Schaden Freud. (Beryl Benderly, Washington)

Apparelic: Mummy's outfit. (Bernhard D. Saxe, Springfield, a First Offender)

Apparelic: A garment not used for decades. "Dolly Parton's training bra is an apparelic." (Rick Haynes)

Banalogy: Routine study of routine study. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

Banalogy: A simile that's as dull as dishwater. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Barduous: Describing a task most vexing: "How barduous, alas, my lot/The choice between to be and not." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

Bellicosesquipedalian: Given to using fancy fightin' words. "Oh yeah, you matrilineal coitant?" (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Blabyrinth: The untraceable trail back to the person who started the rumor. (Cindy Johnson, Kingstowne, a First Offender)

Blunderstanding: An agreement not to dwell on a mistake. "He and she came to a blunderstanding to never discuss that drunken New Year's Eve." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Botherhood: What younger siblings are born into. (Andrea Kelly)

Cerealistic: Knowing there's no Chex in the mail. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

Chopstuck: Why Louis Armstrong couldn't play his trumpet that bitter day in Oslo. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Cowardrobe: The closet that Sir Noel had to stay in. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)

Cowardrobe: A closet full of moomoos. (Tony Arancibia, Falls Church; Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Crapture: The belief by baby alligators that one day there will be a reverse flush. (Chuck Smith)

Frostitute: A member of the world's coldest profession. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Metrick: Switching your digital speedometer to KPH when your mother's in the car. (Ken Gallant)

Mobius trip: The journey from Saigon to Kabul. (Charles Miehm, Hamilton, Va., a First Offender)

Mundame: Edna Average. (Chris Doyle)

Oliver Twits: pls sr i wnt sm mor (Tom Murphy, Bowie)

Phoneupsmanship: "Mine is smaller than yours." (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)

Phoneupsmanship: Having a ring tone that plays the second part of Bartok's Third String Quartet -- you know, the lively Allegro. No, you probably don't. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)

Scar de la Renta: Creator of the alleged mob tie. (Chris Doyle)

Theorethical: How you'd behave if you knew you wouldn't get caught. (Mark Richardson, Washington)

And Last: Contestosterone: The hormone that accounts for why 14 of the 15 all-time top Style Invitational Losers are male. Females instead have the hormone havealifeogen. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

See more honorable mentions at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.

More 'Reologisms' From Week 845 of The Style Invitational
By The Empress
Saturday, December 26, 2009; 12:00 AM

More honorable mentions from Style Invitational Week 845, in which we asked for better definitions to neologisms submitted for previous contests:

Academicrobe: The bacterium that causes scholera. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Amiss Manners: Someone who yells "fore" after she hits you with a golf club. (Dion Black, Washington)

Apparelic: Remains of holy vestments. "The Graceland appareliquary displays fat-Elvis jumpsuits." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Blabyrinth: An elaborate structure whose function is to hold the Senataur, a creature that is half man and half bull --. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Blunderstanding: Sin-pathy. "Mark Sanford sent Tiger Woods a note of blunderstanding." (Chris Doyle)

Blunderstanding: Off-target male urination. (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church)

Bolonium: Chemical symbol Bs. An element with virtually no weight. Large deposits can be found along the Potomac River. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Chopstuck: Unable to get into a better line of wok. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Contestosterone: The hormone that makes couch potatoes jump up and chest-bump when an actual athlete scores. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Cowardrobe: A flannel peignoir. (Kevin Dopart)

Crapture: The bliss of becoming unconstipated, as in Philippians 1:22: "But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labor." (Kevin Dopart)

Dumpire: Of three referees, the one that's neither deaf nor blind. (Mark Richardson, Washington)

Frostitute: Nanooky of the North (Michael Gips, Bethesda; Eric Ries, Bethesda; Roy Ashley, Washington)

Mundame: Not-so-amazing Grace. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Oliver Twits: Hardy and North (Kevin Dopart)

Optimale: Handsome, kind, funny and thoughtful -- or, if not, wears long pants, puts down the toilet seat and brushes his teeth. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)