Week 848 Up an addin' -- write a rhopalic sentence


I am the only biker within America spurning Budweiser.

Here's a brand-new word contest for us, never done in any of the previous 847 weeks! Maybe. There's a chance. Never-a-Loser Steve Woodbury of Springfield suggests a contest to come up with a rhopalic sentence. That -- as everyone but you knows -- is a sentence in which each successive word is one letter (or one syllable) longer than the preceding one. Scott wins a roll of toilet paper promoting a children's book called "Walter the Farting Dog."

This week: Compose a humorous rhopalic sentence (or multiple sentences) in which each word is one letter longer than the previous word, as in the example above by Bob Staake Himself. The sentence does NOT have to start with a one-letter word. Very long sentences are of course harder to do, but they won't win if they're not interesting, or if they seem painfully contrived to fit the format.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets three genuine critter-embedded lollipops: a blueberry Scorpion Sucker, a tequila-flavored pop with worm, and a cinnamon cricket-pop. Donated by Bruce Alter.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 28. Put "Week 848" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle.

Report from Week 844, in which we let you send one entry for each of the previous year's contests, as long as the entry pertained to health care.

Predictably, it was mostly the inveterate Losers who combed through the 49 eligible contests, some of them sending 49 entries. The groaner pun of the week -- which deserves mention even if not an honorable one -- comes from Mae Scanlan for the puns-on-company-names contest: "Mom's frizzy-haired sister went to Yellowstone and got too close to Old Faithful. The messy result was a geyser perm on Auntie." Ow.

The winner of the Inker

Week 831, celebrities' "bucket lists": Cap'n Crunch: See if I can get a reputable surgeon to attach my eyebrows to my face rather than to my hat. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

2. the winner of the Scream Christmas necktie: Week 805, a bad name for a college: The Mary Baker Eddy School of Medicine. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

3. Week 800, pairs of similar terms:

Single payer: A proposed health plan for people without insurance.
Single prayer: The current health plan for people without insurance. (Larry Yungk, on vacation in Bangkok)

4. Week 832, crossword clues: BLAB: If the A-team gets to process the cool stuff, this is where the stool samples go. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Denial of acclaim: Honorable mentions

Week 790, what if something hadn't happened: If it weren't for the health-care debate, we wouldn't have found out that so many Democrats hate their grandmothers. (Steve Honley, Washington)

Week 794, Onion-style headlines: Health-Care Bill Creates 'Little Death' Panels for Allocating Viagra (Mark Richardson, Washington)

Week 796, puns on people's names: Dr. Strange Glove: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love My Proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Dr. Strangle-love: Definitely not your ordinary sex therapist. (Jeff Loren, Manassas)

Week 797, New Year's resolutions: By Congress: Be much quicker to fail to pass health-care reform next year. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Week 800, pairs of similar terms:

Out-of-pocket maximum: The most you're supposed to pay under your health plan.
Out-of-socket maximum: The arm and leg you wind up paying. (Chris Doyle)

Hot toddy: Something you take in your bed to make yourself feel better.
Hot toady: Someone you take in your bed to make yourself feel better. -- D. Letterman (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Week 810, foal names: Gluteus Maximus x Shafted = Colonoscopy (Rick Haynes, Potomac; Roy Ashley)

Gluteus Maximus x Sneak Peek = Inhospitable Gown (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

Week 811, signs the economy can't get any worse: Hemophiliacs are selling their blood. (Chris Doyle)

Week 812, medical fictoids: Earwax is a natural lubricant. Few ear canals are wide enough, though. (Kevin Dopart)

It's okay to use the defibrillators in airports to recharge your cellphone, if no one else is using them. (Rick Haynes)

Being a hermaphrodite entitles one to both maternity and paternity leave. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The creator of the first HMO bled to death after a car crash. The closest hospital refused to take him because he was out of network. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Week 822, events in a Festival of Real American Folklife: Civil War reenactors have operations performed on them without anesthesia, save for a bottle of whiskey. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)

Week 826, "inside words": Pat'hog'en: The swine flu virus. (Chris Doyle)

In'firm'ary: An ED clinic. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Week 831, bucket lists: John Edwards: Go to med school to find a cure for my wife so I don't look quite so scummy when I cheat. (Russell Beland)

Week 833, change a word by one letter: Pillferage: The health plan for a 39.5-hour-per-week Wal-Mart employee. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Week 835, words with T,H,R,E: Soleather: Your skin after 40 years of ignoring doctors' orders to wear sunscreen. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)

ERthritis: Swelling of emergency room visits due to lack of health insurance. (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

Week 836, if one given business ran another: If Match.com ran a hospital, you could get malpractice and male practice. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

Week 839, portmanteau words: Bicuspidor: The rinse-and-spit sink (see also: hospitoon) (Craig Dykstra)

Doctorn: Circumcised. (Tom Witte)

Next Week: Reologisms, or Mull Again