Week 847: Questionable journalism


A. That gets old after about a week.
Q. Yo, Empress, I've decided that every week I'm going to send you 99 entries!

This week: Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from Dec. 11 through Dec. 21 and come up with a question it might answer, as in the example above from today's Carolyn Hax column. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, copy out that section of the article).

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bottle of vintage-2005 Beauzeaux red wine, donated by Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn, who hasn't even unscrewed its top. If you win and are not a genuine adult (by age, we mean -- we don't want to rule out all the Losers) you get a T-shirt or mug instead.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 21. Put "Week 847" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Pete Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Erik Wennstrom.

Report from Week 843, in which we asked for a line that might humorously precede the first line of a well-known book, poem or song.

Virtually everyone led into the first line of "Hamlet" -- "Who's there?" -- with, duh, "Knock, knock."

The winner of the Inker

What were the frat boys doing at their party last night?
Chug, chug, chug. Puff, puff, puff. Ding-dong, ding-dong.
-- "The Little Engine That Could," by Watty Piper (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

2. the winner of the voodoo doll toothpick holder:

"Mr. Beck, you've got your hand up her rectum. Um, that's not how you milk a cow."
"I hardly ever read instruction manuals."
-- "Arguing With Idiots," by Glenn Beck (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)

3. "Hey, Bobby, how do I tell my girlfriend she's prickly and has a strong smell?"
"O my Luve's like a red red rose . . ."
-- Robert Burns (Ron Nessen, Bethesda)

4. I'm sorry, but I think your last facelift was one too many:
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips . . .
-- "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," by Mann, Weil and Spector
(Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)

Semipro-logues: Honorable mentions

"What's wrong with Seattle's catcher tonight?"
"It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three."
-- "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (Russ Taylor, Vienna; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

"President Clinton, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"All this happened, more or less."
-- "Slaughterhouse-Five," by Kurt Vonnegut (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

"Ms. Lewinsky, when did you realize the president was going to ditch you?"
"Seated one day at the Organ, I was weary and ill at ease."
-- "The Lost Chord," by Adelaide Procter (Peter Metrinko)

You think I'm a fool, dontcha? Well, I didn't just fall off a turnip truck this morning, you know.
They threw me off the hay truck about noon.
-- "The Postman Always Rings Twice," by James M. Cain
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

"Honey, you won't believe how much I saved today at the mall!"
Alack! what poverty my Muse brings forth.
-- Sonnet 103, by William Shakespeare
(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

Thanks to Hooked on Phonics™ . . .
I read the news today -- oh, boy!
-- "A Day in the Life," by Lennon and McCartney (Ward Kay, Vienna)

He voted for the health care bill, just like all of the other Democrats, but Elmer Gantry had an excuse:
Elmer Gantry was drunk.
-- "Elmer Gantry," by Sinclair Lewis (Jim Noble, Lexington Park)

Justice Scalia, how would you describe obscenity?
"I can't tell you -- but you feel it -- "
-- Emily Dickinson (Peter Metrinko)

Underwear with a string called "G" --
'Twas awkward -- but it fitted me.
-- Emily Dickinson (Dion Black, Washington)

Whew -- THERE's the Minneapolis airport.
O Captain! my Captain! Our fearful trip is done!
-- Walt Whitman (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Oh, Toni, they've canceled our show -- no more "Muskrat Love" duets!
O Captain! my Captain! Our fearful trip is done! (Russ Taylor)

I must remember to specify no MSG next time:
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense . . .
-- "Ode to a Nightingale," by John Keats (Roy Ashley, Washington)

What would you advise the people of New Orleans if Katrina floods the city, Director Brown?
When you walk through a storm, hold your chin up high . . .
-- "You'll Never Walk Alone," by Rodgers and Hammerstein (Chris Doyle)

Why can't I understand a single word you say?
"Oh, I come from Alabama . . ."
-- "O Susanna," by Stephen Foster (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"Do you understand the plot now, Miss Hedren?
"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?"
-- "Close to You," by Bacharach and David (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Maw, we need a new Sears catalogue in the outhouse!" "Why's that, Paw?"
"All the leaves are brown . . ."
-- "California Dreaming," by "Papa John" Phillips (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

"Dear prince, dost thou know the name of the gentleman on yon first base?"
"Who's there."
-- "Hamlet," by William Shakespeare (Stephen Dudzik)

And last:

Eventually, there were only two people left in the world who had not succumbed to the lure of the Style Invitational.
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
-- "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," by J.K. Rowling (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

See more honorable mentions at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.

Next Week: Healthy Choice, or Once More, With Healing

Pre-tenders: More honorable mentions from Week 843 of The Style Invitational

Friday, December 11, 2009 1:52 PM

More "prefrains," lines that might precede the first line of a book, poem or song:

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think you forgot to tear off the toilet tissue before you left the ladies' room:
"There's a long, long trail a-winding . . .
-- "There's a Long, Long Trail," by Stoddard King (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

And why did Brett Favre come out of retirement this time?
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.
-- "The Old Man and the Sea," by Ernest Hemingway (Charles Mann, Falls Church)

We found out about the inflatable breast implants too late:
It was the day my grandmother exploded.
-- "The Crow Road," by Iain M. Banks (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)

Now that we're making crystal meth,
We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee . . .
-- "Okie From Muskogee," by Merle Haggard (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

The congregation's aging. There's no youth to take our places./In synagogue on Sabbath morn, it's just the same old faces:
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in.
-- "Piano Man," by Billy Joel (Harvey Smith, McLean)

My husband? The guy over there who's dressed as a Klingon and playing Guitar Hero.
All children, except one, grow up.
-- "Peter Pan," by J.M. Barrie (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Congress finally managed, on the same day and with equal skill, to repair both the country's health care system and all the clocks in the Capitol:
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
-- "1984," by George Orwell (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

"When did you get your last chance to see Russia and sample fried moose testicles on a stick as a sitting governor?"
"The Alaska State Fair, August 2008."
-- "Going Rogue," by Sarah Palin (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

I didn't win the washer-dryer, didn't get the snowmobile; I picked Door No. 3.
And now, the end is near, and I must face the final curtain . . .
-- "My Way," by Paul Anka (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

You simply must show me your secret ingredient in this delicious stew!
"I've got the horse right here . . ."
-- "Fugue for Tinhorns" by Frank Loesser (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Whoa, dude, I think we might be totally wasted! I have no idea what you really said but it sounded kinda like
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe."
-- "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

"Do you, Sarah Palin, solemnly swear to faithfully execute the office of president of the United States . . ."
"If I am out of my mind, it's all right with me," thought Moses Herzog.
-- "Herzog," by Saul Bellow (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

John Kerry reached a firm conclusion:
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . ."
-- "A Tale of Two Cities," by Charles Dickens (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"So why did you decide to take up the shot put?"
"It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy flings."
-- "Just One of Those Things," by Cole Porter (Anita Thiel Winters, Bethesda)

The Wyfe of Bathe hathe my Macbooke fryed,
So this Tayle I must teyxt on ye Blackeberre whilst I ryde:
Whan that Aprille with his shoures sote,
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote . . .
-- "The Canterbury Tales," by Geoffrey Chaucer (John Sholar, Silver Spring)

(The headline for this supplement is by Beverley Sharp.)