Week 846: Season's gratings


Unless you're one of the people who inflict them on others -- and perhaps even then -- there's a good chance you read those year-end missives from your most self-trumpeting friends and relatives with something less than holiday warmth. After every declaration of yet another childhood achievement, job promotion, exotic vacation, one tends to read the unwritten words "And you didn't." And it's not much more heartening to think that these people are only masking their real household woes with glittery spin.

L.A. Loser Jane Auerbach suggests that the way to deal with these mailbox stink bombs is to make your own. Or someone else's. Jane appropriately wins some kung fu stationery, which is the next best thing to a diamond necklace.

This week: Write a brief (50 words or fewer) holiday letter from a personage from past or present, or from fiction.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives what looks to be a goldfish swimming in a bag of water but is actually a plastic goldfish not swimming in a bag of hard, sort-of-clear soap (see slideshow at right). It's creepily real-looking. Donated by Fountain of Loser Prizes Cheryl Davis.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 14. Put "Week 846" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Andrew Hoenig. The kung fu stationery was donated by Russell Beland a million years ago.

Report from Week 842, in which we asked you to play off any of 12 given phrases in the form of a question, "Jeopardy"-style.

Dozens of people told us that a bad electric-car color would be shocking pink or lemon, and Bo Obama's chew toy was everything from a copy of "Going Rogue" to Charles Krauthammer's lips.

The Winner of the Inker

A. Not even at Wal-Mart.
Q. Where can you see a smiling face in Michigan? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

2. the winner of the cow that does the Mexican Hat Dance:

A. Squeeze relish.
Q. What is green and always stopping up, but isn't a toilet in a gas station? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

3. A. William Shakespeare's Flying Circus.
Q. What is Sir Francis Bacon's Flying Circus? (Ring Alexander, New York)

4. A. The Beltsville Kazoo and Drum Corps.
Q. What group annually bestows the honor of Comb-Humming Queen? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

Unnatural asks: Honorable mentions

-- A bad color name for GM's electric car:

What is maroon? (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; Ira Allen, Bethesda; Michael Peck, Alexandria)

What is Burning Flesh? (Judy Blanchard)

What is the least of GM's problems? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

-- 349 Facebook friends:

What's the next best thing to having a friend? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Who didn't help you move into your new apartment? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Who learned about your marriage before your mother? (Kevin Dopart)

What did Megan Fox have roughly one second after she posted her relationship status as "it's complicated"? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

What is the square root of loneliness? (Ring Alexander)

-- A Hefty drawstring balloon:

What was the Wall Street float in the 2008 Macy's Thanksgiving parade? (Dudley Thompson; Kevin Dopart)

How can the Heenes get rid of their TV ambitions? (Mark Richardson, Washington)

What did Paul Bunyan use for birth control? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

What does the regular worker get instead of a golden parachute? (Judy Blanchard)

-- Bo Obama's chew toy:

What is the only bone the president has thrown to the left since reaching the White House? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Compared with the health reform bill, what is less covered in tooth marks and spit? (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)

What took a National Security Council session, a Council of Economic Advisers meeting, a congressional delegation huddle and three White House briefings for the president to finally purchase? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

-- Not even at Wal-Mart:

Where can you find a genuine virgin walking down the aisle? (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Have you found any discount Elvis-themed caskets? (Kevin Dopart)

-- What an unfortunate URL!

What did the Cockney say after 'is best mate barfed on 'Er Majesty? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

-- The Beltsville Kazoo and Drum Corps:

Whose music finally broke the enemy at Gitmo? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Beverley Sharp)

Who hates marching behind the College Park Hurling Frat Boy Float? (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

-- Squeeze relish:

What did Mr. Whipple do after he retired? (Stephen Dudzik)

What do you call a pimple-popping fetish? (Judith Cottrill, New York)

-- A rectangle and his father:

What does Denny Hastert holding a briefcase look like? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

-- William Shakespeare's Flying Circus:

What is in its 412th season of reruns on PBS? (Daniel Bunce, Woodstock, Md., a First Offender)

-- Only with the public option:

Can I get one of those death panels to "advise" my mother-in-law? (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

How did the philanderer respond to the marriage proposal? (George Smith, Frederick; Mark Richardson)

-- The new Loser T-shirt and two magnets:

What are two things that attract and one thing that repels? (Tom Witte; George Vary, Bethesda)

What is the only threesome I can possibly look forward to these days? (Tom Witte)

Next Week: Prefrains, or Starting Oeuvre