Week 840: Frittering away the neurons


Hiring a Russian: Looking to someone else to immediately and mysteriously solve a problem.

Gnawing the wing: To enthusiastically engage in a mundane activity to a point just beyond normal involvement.

Joining the Vikings: Making one last push in your career. One. Last. Push.

Not-a-Loser-just-a-reader Jeff Hamilton brought our attention to the current issue of Esquire, which, along with "Kate Beckinsale Is the Sexiest Woman Alive" and "Blake Lively Cooks in Five-Inch Heels," features a nifty list of imaginative phrases to describe various situations, many of them in the X'ing-the-Y form, such as the examples above. This week: Give us some more colorfully useful phrases; they don't have to be in the X'ing-the-Y form.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a giant flamingo-shaped pen whose top is a huge pink plume and whose base is a big pink foot. You won't absently walk off with it, we guarantee. Donated by Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 2. Put "Week 840" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Pete Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Roy Ashley.

Report from Week 836, in which we offered a list of institutions and asked you to describe what would happen if any of them ran, or were run by, another institution -- including any of the others on the list.

A number of Losers noted that if Microsoft took over a sperm bank, it had better come up with another name. And that if McDonald's ran a college English department, it would have a ready supply of labor after graduation.

Congress
A hospital
A Wall Street investment house
McDonald's
Match.com
The Kohler bathroom fixture company
A sperm bank
A college English department
Microsoft
The Redskins

The winner of the Inker

If a sperm bank ran a hospital, nobody would care how old the waiting room magazines were. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

2. the winner of the 1994 paper doll book "Bill & Al's Excellent Adventure":

If Match.com ran the Redskins, Jason Campbell might actually connect with somebody now and then. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

3. If a hospital ran Guantanamo, those prisoners would be out of there in three days. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

4. If a Wall Street investment house ran your dry cleaner, you wouldn't have to remember to empty your pockets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bad company: Honorable mentions

If the Kohler bathroom fixture company ran the Redskins, the season would be down a much nicer toilet. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Larry Yungk, Arlington; Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)

If Microsoft ran the U.S. Army, boot camp would have to be followed by reboot camp. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

If Congress ran an elementary school, half the curriculum would be recess. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Kevin Dopart)

If Warren Buffett ran Congress, then it would cost at least 10 times as much to buy it. (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.)

If a hospital ran a funeral home, staffers would still come around at 6 a.m. to take everyone's temperature. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

If a hospital were run by Ryanair, the IV drips would be replaced by saline vending machines. (Samuel Aaron, Wellesley, Mass., a First Offender)

If Facebook ran a hospital, the staff would know something about you. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

If a hospital ran a stationery store, paper would be known as a Graphite- and/or Ink- Receiving Device and cost $3,900 a sheet. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

If Tiffany's ran a hospital, babies would actually be born with silver spoons in their mouths. (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.)

If McDonald's ran a sperm bank, it could use the same current slogans: "Created Just for You," "I'm Lovin' It" and "Open Extra Wide." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

If the Washington Nationals ran Match.com, at least you'd know at the start of your date that you're unlikely to make it to second base. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

If an investment house took over Kohler, it would change its name to Bare Sterns. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If the Redskins ran a sperm bank, Dan Snyder would charge a fee for naming rights. (Chuck Smith)

If a sperm bank ran Microsoft, the Ybox would be more popular than the Xbox. (Judy Blanchard)

If a college English department ran the Redskins, the games would still be pass-fail. (Dean Alterman, Portland, Ore.)

If Microsoft ran the Redskins, their end zone would be labeled "404." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

If the Redskins ran a sperm bank, the product would always fail in the red zone. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

If the Redskins were run by the Cherokee Nation, they'd be renamed the Washington Lying White Bastards. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

If the Kansas City Chiefs owned the Washington Redskins, then MAYBE that would explain what happened Sunday. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

If the Redskins ran the Marine Corps, they wouldn't have beaten the spread on the invasion of Grenada. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

If the Redskins ran TD Ameritrade, it would just be Ameritrade. (Kevin Dopart)

If the Redskins ran McDonald's, you could order the four-piece nuggets off the $20 value menu. (Jeff Contompasis)

If the Masons secretly ran this contest, they wouldn't print any entries poking fun at them. Unless, what if they wanted to make it look like they didn't run it? In that case they'd print such an entry. And to really throw people off, it would be one that wasn't funny and didn't even fit the rules. (Russell Beland)

And Last: If Kohler ran The Post, The Style Invitational would be on Page 1A. (Ward Kay, Vienna)

Next week: Strip Search, or Panel Surfing