Week 836: Other People's Business
If a hospital ran an English restaurant, the food would improve.
Congress
A hospital
A Wall Street investment house
McDonald's
Match.com
The Kohler bathroom fixture company
A sperm bank
A college English department
Microsoft
The Redskins
It's time to get away from our string of pure-wordplay contests with this idea courtesy of Do Anything for Ink Loser Peter Metrinko: Describe what might happen if any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or (b) ran an institution of your choice. Your choice may be an institution from the list, too.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a 1994 paper-doll book called "Bill & Al's Excellent Adventure," which, let's just say, is not quite as reverent toward No. 42 as the earlier Bush paper-doll book prize was toward No. 41 (the latter, for example, lacked a bustier and fishnet stockings). Donated by Beverley Sharp.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 5. Put "Week 836" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's Honorable Mentions name, which we have no place for but should be "Thin Hints," is by Mike Ostapiej, who sent it to us from Baghdad.
Report From Week 832: This year's backward crossword puzzle.
Once again, we're printing the best entries from among the 2,000 we received, choosing two clues for some words while skipping a number of others. The crossword's constructor, Bob Klahn, helped choose the winners. You have to puzzle out some of these: For instance, the clue for "HOPE" needs you to read it as "ho P.E." You're on your own for the rest.
-- READ THIS FIRST!
Would you rather actually try to use these and other clues to solve the puzzle? Then stop reading here and go to http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitationaland click on "Solve the Week 832 Crossword." Warning: It's gonna be hard.
ACROSS
1. HUBRIS: The presumption that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
7. BLAB: Where thiamine and riboflavin are made (Rob Cohen, Potomac)
14. UNMADE: Some general assembly required (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Chased but still chaste (Roy Ashley, Washington)
15. ROSE: A thorny problem for baseball (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
16. PEA: The best line on a jock's report card (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)
19. ETC: And that singer for the band Chicago (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
20. BARON: Nobleman shooting nothing but blanks (Peter Boice, Rockville)
21. SPRIT: A ghost with one eye missing. (James Noble, Lexington Park)
22. ILSA: Reply to "How do you feel, private?" (Joel Lipman, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender)
26. EPCOT: Manifest Disney (Chris Doyle )
29. ECRU: A color the human male cannot distinguish (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)
30. TOWRITEOURCLUES: Anagram for "erotic owl uterus" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)
33. SPASM: Junk mail sent by a jerk (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
34. STOAT: ABA's preferred alternative to "weasel" (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
35. YEN: The movie short that Streisand really wanted to make (John O'Byrne )
36. BIB: Octogenarian's dinner wear (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
40. SIS: 1/7 of the Pleiades, familiarly (Kevin Dopart)
45 Third place: RAMBO: Sure way for White House limo driver to get fired (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Halftime smell in the St. Louis locker room. (Chris Doyle)
53. MEDEA: Precedes "you busted" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Ward Kay, Vienna)
54, with 52A. GEST AREA: Womb (Jeff Contompasis)
57. BIJOU: Had both a bar- and a bat mitzvah. (Tom Murphy, Bowie)
68 Winner of the Inker: REARUP: Proctologist's "Say ah" (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville)
69. MET: 1962 inspiration for Nat. (Ira Allen)
70. GOOD: Bad advice for Joplin and Hendrix (Dean Evangelista, Rockville)
DOWN
1. HUH: What Napoleon said when he saw Elba (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
3. BMW: Bush Number Two (Ben Aronin, Washington)
4. RAWBARS: Dan'l Boone's vittles on the trail (G. Smith, New York)
5. IDEA: Store selling "furniture concepts" (Chuck Koelbel)
7. BRONCOS: Slightly irregular Veg-O-Matics and Ginsu Knives (George Vary, Bethesda)
New euphemism for "nice set of lungs" (Jeff Contompasis)
8. LOO: Snorkeler's emoticon (Chuck Koelbel)
10. BEES: Sting's college grades (Stephen Dudzik)
12. RETIRE: Drop out of Weight Watchers (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; George Vary)
18. HOPE: Exercises in rope-climbing, pole-dancing, etc. (Celeste Johnson, Hyattsville, a First Offender)
22. PELT: What PETA types may do to someone wearing one (Tom Murphy)
23. ITSY: What Spider-Man hates to be called in bed (Larry Yungk)
With 28D: ITSY-TROU: A thong (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
24. LOPE: Leisurely stroll to the altar (Steve Honley, Washington)
27. OUTS: One thing Washington makes efficiently (Ira Allen)
28. TROU: What's dropped during a full moon (Erika Hoffeld, Silver Spring, a First Offender)
32. CAPRI: Providence, for short (Ronald Averyt, Severn, a First Offender; Chris Doyle)
37. ITEM: Two unmarried celebrities who happen to appear in the same photo (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)
38 . BYTE: -- me, Microsoft! (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
43. SLAT: Patty Hearst's shirt under her camouflage jacket (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; Kevin Dopart)
46 Second place, winner of the regifted Superfly Monkey slingshot: ANGULAR: What W calls a fisherman (Ward Kay)
47 Fourth place: WAMPUM: Manhattan transfer tokens (Jeff Contompasis)
58. OREO: First line of Shelley's "Ode to a Speedwagon" (Gary Krist, Bethesda)
Beginning of Wicked Witch's Guards' cadence chant (G. Smith)
62. WOO: Unfinished wood (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)
65. EPT: Three little letters a young man fears even more than three little words (Christopher Lamora)
Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or As the Word Turns
Are You Backward Enough to Solve the Style Invitational Crossword?
Saturday, September 26, 2009 12:00 AM
For the first time in the four-year history of The Style Invitational's backward-crossword contest, "Clue Us In," we're giving you the chance to see whether you can actually use the offbeat inking clues from the Losers in Week 832 to solve Bob Klahn's puzzle (which was constructed without clues). We've used a couple of Bob's clues as well.
While many of the clues involve puns, they're not of the English "cryptic crossword" genre, in which an anagram of the word is embedded in the clue. But a lot of them do require some mental gymnastics: For example, the four-letter answer of 18 Across will be a two-letter word followed by a two-letter abbreviation. Click here to see the answer grid:
If the clues here are stretched out over multiple pages, just click on Print in the box on this page, and you'll get them all on one page.
ACROSS
1. The presumption that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
7. Where thiamine and riboflavin are made (Rob Cohen, Potomac)
11. It turns a brawler into a bar crawler (Bob Klahn)
14. Chased but still chaste (Roy Ashley, Washington)
15. A thorny problem for baseball (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
16. The best line on a jock's report card (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)
17. Either "on the basis of humor and originality" or whatever's on the top of the stack (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
19. And that singer for the band Chicago (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
20. Nobleman shooting nothing but blanks (Peter Boice, Rockville)
21. A ghost with one eye missing. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.)
22. Reply to "How do you feel, private?" (Joel Lipman, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender)
26. Manifest Disney (Chris Doyle)
29. A color the human male cannot distinguish (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)
30. Anagram for "erotic owl uterus" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)
33. Junk mail sent by a jerk (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
34. The ABA's preferred alternative to "weasel" (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
35. The movie short that Streisand really wanted to make (John, O'Byrne)
36. Octogenarian's dinner wear (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
39. How to greet your doc (Steve Johnson, Alexandria)
40. 1/7 of the Pleiades, familiarly (Kevin Dopart)
43. 11th or 12th grade (several readers)
45. Third place: RAMBO: Sure way for White House limo driver to get fired (Ira Allen)
47. Next test for Clinton after "is" (Kevin Dopart)
52. See 54 Across
53. Words preceding "you busted" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Ward Kay, Vienna)
54. With 52A, a womb (Jeff Contompasis)
55. They support a sail's tacks (Chris Doyle)
57. Had both a bar- and a bat mitzvah. (Tom Murphy, Bowie)
59. Shirt worn by math geeks on March 14 (Bob Klahn)
60. The new Wii Self Esteem game (Kerry Humphrey, Woodbridge)
66. Home of the world's 37th-finest health system (several readers)
67. Name of a Russian beaver (several readers)
68, winner of the Inker: Proctologist's equivalent of "Say ah" (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.)
69. 1962 inspiration for Nat. (Ira Allen)
70. Bad advice for Joplin and Hendrix (Dean Evangelista, Rockville)
71. Restaurant cleanser (several readers)
DOWN
1. What Napoleon said when he saw Elba (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
2. Fake climax (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
3. BMW: Bush Number Two (Ben Aronin, Washington)
4. Dan'l Boone's vittles on the trail (G. Smith, New York)
5. Store selling "furniture concepts" (Chuck Koelbel)
6. What Victoria lost a long time ago (John Shea)
7. Slightly irregular Veg-O-Matics and Ginsu Knives (George Vary, Bethesda)
8. Snorkeler's emoticon (Chuck Koelbel)
9. With 36 Across, a diaper (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
10. Sting's college grades (Stephen Dudzik)
11. Something found inside paper cuts (Jeff Contompasis)
12. Drop out of Weight Watchers (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; George Vary)
13. Desert acupuncture kit (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
18. Exercises in rope-climbing, pole-dancing, etc. (Celeste Johnson, Hyattsville, a First Offender)
22. What PETA types may do to someone wearing one (Tom Murphy)
23. With 28 Down, a thong (Craig Dykstra)
24. Leisurely stroll to the altar (Steve Honley)
25. Ugly Duckling's egg donor (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
27. One thing Washington makes efficiently (Ira Allen)
28. What's dropped during a full moon (Erika Hoffeld, a First Offender)
31. What's said at the church's new Texting Confessional (several readers)
32. Providence, for short (Ronald Averyt, Severn, a First Offender; Chris Doyle)
37. Two unmarried celebrities who happen to appear in the same photo (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.
38. -- me, Microsoft! (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
40. "Snot you, -- -- " (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
41. What's an alternative to the AP program? (several readers)
42. State of the Cialis market (Kevin Dopart)
43. Underweight hussy (several readers)
44. Apparatchick (Chris Doyle)
46, second place, winner of the regifted Superfly Monkey slingshot: What W calls a fisherman (Ward Kay)
47, fourth place: Manhattan transfer tokens (Jeff Contompasis)
48. Set up a retirement account in England (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
49. Number of vampires per maison, for example (Jim Lubell)
50. Mudder rudder (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
51. Lee and anthropology (Dan Klein, McLean)
56. A quick drink after which you'll have toupee (Larry Yungk) 58. Beginning of Wicked Witch's Guards' cadence chant (G. Smith)
61. Maniac on loose in D.C. (Stephen Dudzik)
62. Unfinished wood (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)
63. Backward dude (Michael Baker, Elkridge)
64. What they do after saying, "It's not about the money" (Chris Doyle)
65. Three little letters a young man fears even more than three little words (Christopher Lamora)