Week 835: Tour de Fours VI


Notre Ham: A college where the pigskin is king.

Caterthriller: "Pupa Transformers II."

Against all odds and perhaps better judgment, the Empress marks her 300th Style Invitational contest this week. In commemoration (if you stretch it), we'll take a turn with this annual contest, part of our Late Summer Neologism Marathon: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order -- the letters T, H, R and E, as in the examples above. It has to be a new word (or two-word phrase), not a new definition for a well-known existing word. You may add a hyphen for clarity.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets one of the finer examples of Mollusk Kitsch we've seen lately, discourtesy of 13-time Loser Cheryl Davis: a tiny sculpture of (see slideshow to the right), well, Shells Playing Poker.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 29. Put "Week 835" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions name was sent by too many people to credit.

Report From Week 831, in which we sought items that might be on well-known people's "bucket lists" of things to achieve before they died.

And as promised, we offer some overflow from two earlier contests.

The Winner of the Inker

On Lassie's bucket list: To poop without someone yelling "CUT!" (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

2.the winner of the finger-bone replica pen: Will Rogers: To meet Donald Trump. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

3.Bernie Madoff: To steal a million cigarettes. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

4.Sarah Brady: To pry Charlton Heston's gun out of his cold, dead hands. (Jon Graft, Centreville)

Pails in Comparison: Honorable Mentions

Martha Stewart: Do it on mismatched sheets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Sigmund Freud: Tell Mom how much I love her. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich., a First Offender; Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Neil Armstrong: Go back and find my car keys. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park)

Michael Phelps: Swim faster, stronger, higher. (Kevin Dopart)

Hugh Hefner: Octuplets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Stephen Hawking: 1. Determine the origins of the universe; 2. Demystify the complexities of black holes; 3. Complete the mathematical modeling of antimatter; 4. Scratch that itch on the end of my nose. (Jim Noble)

Captain Ahab: Spend an afternoon going after sunfish with worms and a bamboo pole. (G. Smith, New York)

Pete Rose: Win the pool on when I'll be allowed into the Hall of Fame. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)

Barry Manilow: Get that stupid "I Write the Songs" tune out of my head. (Chuck Koelbel)

Eric Burdon: Get out of this place. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Martin Luther: Finally finish Nos. 96-100. (Eric Cline, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)

Kato Kaelin: Get 15 more minutes of fame. Okay, eight. (Chuck Koelbel)

Popeye: Eat off a plate. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Paul McCartney: 1. Rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight. 2. Buy the Isle of Wight. (Jon Graft)

Lou Dobbs: Find a landscaper who'll return my calls. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

James Bond: Make love to an average-looking chubby woman. (Rick Haynes)

And Last: Russell Beland: Win enough honorable-mention prizes to alter magnetic north. (Russell Beland)

Old News: More 'Bank Heads' From Week 830

More of last week's "bank heads" attached to actual Post headlines:

Cell Service to Expand on Metro
More Subway Cars to Relieve Prison Overcrowding (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

Cooperative Being Pushed as an Alternative to a Government Plan
'Find Us a Cooperative Being and We'll Think About It,' House Leaders Say (Cy Gardner)

Nearly 30 Species May Get Protections
New Technology Enables Manufacture of Tiny Condoms (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

Chávez Tide Ebbs
Venezuelans Don't Like New Accent Mark in President's Name (Russell Beland)

Compact Crossover Is GM's Ticket to Renewal
Ailing Auto Giant Hires Chaz Bono as Spokes . . . person (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

A Harsh Lesson in College Math
0.7 = 50 Hours (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Credit Card Companies Step Up the Swipe Quota for Rewards Programs
Employees Get Bonuses for Increased Customer Bilking (Cy Gardner; Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Ancient Quotes: 'Inside Words' From Week 826

C'aft'an: A garment with ample trunk space. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Ma'cad'am: Hit the road, Jack. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.)

Nau'seat'e: To look under the chairs at a movie theater. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)

S'hamas': An exploding candle installed in a menorah. (Gary Pasternack, Baltimore, a First Offender)

T'her'mom'eter: If you think my girlfriend is hot, you should see . . . (Craig Dykstra)

S'urge'ry: Drastic punishment for sex offenders. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)

'Fib'romyalgia: An excuse to call in sick. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Tambo'urine': The instrument you're given to play when you're [past] poor at everything else. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

B'rightest': Alberto Gonzales's Justice Department hires. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Next Week: Clue Us In, or Cross Straining