Week 829: Limerixicon 6


If it's "digital," it's about RAM
Or, say, e-mail or evites or spam.
It's modern and cool --
Unless it's the tool
That is used in a prostate exam.

It's not enough that we make you slog for a week, in exchange for the slim possibility of receiving a piece of junk, so that we can brag about the quality of this here feature. No, we also have to farm you out to someone else's feature. As we do every August, we'll be furthering the cause of the indefatigable Chris J. Strolin of Belleville, Ill., founder of the online Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, which aims to include a limerick illustrating every word in the language. Actually, it's not just one giant limerick that has every word in it; Chris J. and his numerous contributors (including some Invitational Losers) have now passed the 55,000 mark: Last year at this time, they were only around 50,000 and had just reached the da- words -- but now they're all the way up to . . . This week: Supply a humorous limerick prominently featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters di-, as in the diabolical example above by Chief of Proctocol Gene Weingarten of Washington.

The Empress is picky about rhyme and meter for limericks; a link to her guidelines appears on the home page of http://www.oedilf.com. (In a pistachio shell: The first, second and fifth lines must contain the strong meter of BAH-bum-bum BAH-bum-bum BAH, with optional bums at the beginning and end of each line; and Lines 3 and 4 must contain BAH-bum-bum BAH, also with the optional bums. And it's best to have at least one bum between two BAHs. And "bird" rhymes with "word" but not with "words.") Once we run the results Sept. 5, you may submit your entries (getting Invitational ink or not) to the Oedilfers as well.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a special gift basket (special as in invisible) of bacon-flavor dental floss, donated (unused) by Russell Beland; bacon-flavor mints, from Mike Czuhajewski; and cupcake-flavor floss, from Dave Prevar.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 17. Put "Week 829" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate relatives are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's honorable-mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; next week's revised title was submitted by both Dave Prevar and Tom Witte.

Report From Week 825, in which we asked you to write some lyrics (on any subject) to a piece of music that didn't originally have lyrics.

We got hundreds of parodies from a wide and imaginative group of sources, from symphonies to movie themes to pop instrumentals to a Nokia ring tone. The songs themselves? Well, song parodies destined to be read rather than heard are very hard to write: The natural accents of the words must match the accents of the music, precisely, or else a reader can't follow along. You can't expect the reader to figure out, "Oh, this word will be sung as 'hope-LESS,' " especially early in the song.

The parodies on this page are set to music that we figure you have a chance of knowing. If you're still stumped, look at the online version of this column at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational, where each parody -- along with several other winners and honorable mentions that appear only on the Web -- will contain a link to YouTube so you can sing along (or at least read along), even with music that's new to you.

The Winner of the Inker

To Fucik's "Entrance of the Gladiators"
(the traditional music for circus clowns)

Clowns are entering the three-ring circus,
In the center ring are scary smirkers.
Red bulbous noses, grimacing poses.
I'm in panic with a manic harlequin psychosis.
Freaky pantaloons from Barnum-Bailey,
Bozos mugging and cavorting gaily.
Run to survive. Gotta stay alive. Get in the car -- and drive!
Krusty, Clarabell or Emmett Kelly.
Doesn't matter, I'm a nervous Nellie.
Bright-painted faces, fright-wiggy aces.
Got a fear that clearly has a psychogenic basis.
Madcap zanies at the Ringling Brothers,
Merry-andrews -- if I had my druthers
I'd can the clowns.
Ban all the clowns.
Down with the clowns!
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the silkworm pupae in sauce, plus the Kelp Energy Bar:

Sprint to the Finish

To the "Chariots of Fire" theme:

So out of breath running, I can't even cuss.
I'm in this condition 'cause I missed the bus.
The guy saw me coming; he heard me yell, "Hey!"
I gave him the finger as he pulled away.
My girl will be standing cold outside.
The show starts at 8.
I'm gonna be roasted, grilled and fried,
On this, our last date.
(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)

Imperfectly Pitched: Honorable Mentions

To Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" No. 1 (the graduation march):

Just got my diploma,
It took me six years.
Most days in a coma,
'Cause I majored in beers.
I'm not a go-getter,
Job markets are bad.
No life as jet-setter,
Looks like I've been had.
Wait . . . I . . . know,
Till prospects are better,
Sponge off Mom and Dad.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Brünnhilde's Lament
To Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries"

I come from Valhalla,
Where there's no mall, a
Woe to befall a girlie like me.
My breastplates are tight, this
Helmet's a fright, why
Must a dead knight be
My company?
(My dad says I'm odd
Well, he thinks he's God.
I want an iPod but
He says, "No way!"
I'd trade in my spear
For bling and a beer.
There's nothing cool here,
Just death and decay . . .
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Beethoven's Fit
To Beethoven's Symphony No. 5:

Having done four, I did one more . . .
I've lost the score! I thought I'd put it in a drawer.
My cleaning lady found it lying on the floor,
And in a flash (a lightning bolt)
It hit the trash (should strike that dolt).
I told her, "This! Means! War!"
(Stephen Gold)

To the theme from "Bewitched":

When springtime hits, my nostrils start to twitch,
Though as a witch, I've tried to stop that itch,
I've used pills and capsules and potions and every nasal mist,
But my allergies -- sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, sniff -- they still persist!
With every sneeze, someone gets turned to cheese,
Each time I cough, the power grid shuts off.
I turned my dad into an iPod, my dachshund is now a hose,
That pollen, it messed with my nose.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston)

To the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme:

Indiana! He's our man!
If he can't do it, no one ca-a-an!
Indiana, he's so cool!
But that fourth film . . .
I swear that I saw Indy drool . . .
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

And Last:
My doorbell chime:
"Get lost!"
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Next Week: The Inside Word, or Def"in"itions

More Winning Song Parodies From Style Invitational Week 825

Winner of a runner-up Loser T-shirt or Loser mug:

To Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever"
[Right from the top, before the main theme]

What's with the paper? It's lookin' kinda thin!
They've clipped the comics -- that's not funny!
(Wonder why The Post is losing money?)
Hate to say it, but of course
They've also thrown out Sunday Source!
Look for Book World, and you're sure to
Be befuddled (it
Means they scuttled it),
Just 'cause the kids won't read the dead-tree edition, it's true!
[skip repeat]
Oh, the newsprint costs have gone sky-high;
Still, The Post should have been astuter:
'Cause folks under 40 just won't buy
Something they can get for free on their computer.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

More Honorable Mentions

To "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)"
Oh, take off your shoes, put your stuff in a bin.
Get scanned through your clothes or they won't let you in.
Check all your luggage, pay the cost,
Then pray that it won't get lost.

Longer lines, longer wait,
Getting stuck at the gate.
Not an inch of leg room,
Is it any wonder I'm irate?

Flying's hard now, it's so hard now,
Ain't gonna fly now!
(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

To "No Matter What Shape Your Stomach Is In"
[Starting at :09]
Hubby, we gotta chat.
You're getting mighty chubby. Wassup with that?
Turned into a tubby. Here's where it's at:
Let's face it, bub, you're fat.

Honey, you weigh a ton.
Obesity ain't funny when you can't run.
Now we're out of money. Angina's begun.
Embrace it, hon, we're done.

You were skinny, Eddy,
Thin when we went steady.
Then you found spaghetti.
Pasta did you in.

Sweetie, you're awfully big.
Seven plates of ziti? You eat like a pig.
Well, I'm off! Tahiti's the one place I'll dig.
I'm givin' up this gig.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

To the theme from "Leave It to Beaver"
I'm Britney Spears and I want to say
That what you read isn't true
Okay, I did shave my head one day,
But I like that look, how 'bout you?
And yes, I did leave my house undressed,
My underwear on the floor,
But, like, and this makes me all depressed,
That doesn't mean I am a hor .....
..... rible person, I'm just like you
Except I am famous and rich.
And whatever I do,
People think I am a bit .....
..... Chasteless, maybe that's not a word,
But you know just what I mean.
What's more, my dad is a great big nerd --
He's super-controlling and mean!
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Two parodies to the theme from "The Dick Van Dyke Show"
Well, I'm getting a Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes,
The highest-priced Mercedes that they've got,
And I'm gonna have some work done,
Some quality work done,
And when I'm through, you know I'll be so hot.
Then I'm going to Hawaii,
To Maui and Kauai,
I'm going to Hawaii and you're not,
'Cause you ain't ever going anywhere,
And I don't care a jot,
But I'm hoping that you really care a lot.
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! [stick out tongue].
(Dave Zarrow, Reston)

Oh, my name is Sarah Palin,
I'm bailin' and sailin'
Away from bein' governor, tra la;
I decided, oh yes I did,
To be guv collided
With future plans I'm workin' on, ha ha.
So I'm quittin' and I'm sittin'
On millions I'm gittin'
For writin' up the story of my life;
I may seem simple but the truth is, I'm smart,
I've worked hard on ev'ry part,
I've got it all refined down to an art.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

The Quarter-Life Crisis Song
To "The Irish Washerwoman"
I could be a barista and make frappuccino
Or be a bartender and serve people vino.
My magna cum laude is great, but as we know
I can't pay the rent with my college degree.
(Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

To the "Colonel Bogey March" from "Bridge on the River Kwai"
Congress ¿ although we're in a mess,
Kicks back and plans the next recess.
Prating, investigating
And holding hearings to impress the press.

Showing the folks back home they care,
Pork flies with oiled style and flair.
Riders, they fool outsiders
And fund those bridges that lead to nowhere.

[Bridge] But today, embarrassment fills the air.
Just one word can be heard: Affair!
Your wives, your high-profile lives cry stop!
Hey, guys, it's pounds, not your pants, you should drop.

Ohhhh .....
Congress, there's so much on your plate.
Health care, Afghanistan debate.
Yet now, you hop a jet now.
Do some fundraising, your campaigns won't wait.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

To the series of tones at the end of Intel commercials
(starts at about 0:25)
Hark! Nerds rule the world!
(J. McCray, Hyattsville)

A monopoly!
(Larry Yungk, Arlington)

The Sotomayor Mystery
To "Chopsticks":
Day after day, we've heard Sonia report
On how she'll decide big cases on the high court.
And we've studied the news, but still none of us know
How the nominee feels about Roe.

Is she pro-life? Is she
Pro-choice? Will the right
Be blue? Will the left rejoice?
The Dems don't know, and so
They squirm. Tell us,
Will she reverse or affirm?
(Barbara Sarshik)

To Melody in F by Anton Rubinstein
(1st melody twice) Sweet little girls don't wear bows in their curls,
Times are a-changin', now girls look strange in
Mary Jane shoes, for they've all got tattoo-oos,
They're little Barbies now.

Gone are their panties; now they're wearing thongs.
"Booty" and "sexy," they sing in their songs.
Sweet little dears, now exposing their re-ars,
They're little Barbies now.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Woody's "Family Affair":
I've got some plans for you, my Soon-Yi,
Please don't tell Mia, could be that she
Might be annoyed with you and with me
(She's odd that way).
Instead of "Dad" you'll call me your man.
I'll give you gifts and roles when I can>.
We'll be a really tight-knitted clan.
What do you say?
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Rackety Sex
To "Yakety Sax"
Oh, there's a couple makin' heaps of trouble
They been keepin' you from sleepin' all night.
They're a pair o' spooners, loony honeymooners,
Doin' what's their natural right.
You can stick your head beneath the covers,
But there ain't no gettin' away from lovey-dovers.
Pour a little whiskey, go get a bite,
Wait till the early light.

The springs are squeakin' and the walls are creakin'
And you're thinkin' of wringin' their necks,
But you're best off boozin' since you can't be snoozin'
With that next-door rackety sex.
Now a man like you has done some livin'
And the women you knew did a whole lot o' givin'.
Pour another whiskey, drink it up right,
Wait for the early light.
(Chris Doyle)

Madoff With the Cash
To the theme from "The Pink Panther"
I was the chief
The multi-billion thief,
I stole the saaaaaaaavings from all my peers
Got sent to jail
No bail, so don't expect refunds my dears.
And for my crime
I'm primed to do the time,
I got one huuuuundred and fifty years
Guess I shoulda fled to Madagascar --
No extradition. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

Players of the Lost Par
Yet another
Game they lost,
So the Nats ruled
They must toss the boss.
Though the players
Lost the game,
It was Manager Manny
Who ended up
With all the blame .....
(Terry Gerace and 11-year-old granddaughter Sofia Campoamor, Washington, First Offenders)

To "Percolator"
[Start at :14)
We love our coffee. We go to Starbucks every day.
We buy their coffee. We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande, don't care what we pay.
(It's au revoir, bucks!)
We're from Encino. Drink cappuccino through the day.
And what do we know? We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande, don't care what we pay.
A place like Starbucks has cachet.
(Chris Doyle)

The Campaigners
To Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"
There are rumblings up on the Hill.
That the Republican primary's near.
Grab the brass ring, you know the drill.
Things aren't nearly as bleak as they appear.
With so many who fill the bill,
We have only Obama to fear.
We can do it, we can, if we just pick the right man
(Or woman). This is the GOP's year.

[Second melody] We've got a lengthy list, headed by Charlie Crist,
And can the other Bush -- that's Jeb -- be talked into
The race? It's deju vu!
Will Huckabee wade in the muck to see
If he can preach his way to victory?
And then there's good old Newt. Is he in hot pursuit
Of somethin' bigger than a Sunday morning show?
Let's throw in Tim Pawlenty -- He's so presidenty! --
And the plumber known as Joe.

[First melody] On the South Appalachian Trail,
Mark Sanford banished all trouble and stress.
And a sure bet is Sarah Pal-
in, who's opted to be Alaska-less.
You can hear 'em intoning "Hail
To the Chief" while they're pressing the flesh.
Well now, the big question is, Will it be her win or his?
Who will derail the Obama Express?

[Third melody] Mitt's the man to beat (he heads up the race);
Squeaky clean and sweet (every hair in place).
But let's not forget John Ensign;
Knows how to treat his staff and then some.
Maybe Michael Steele (he's the king of bling).
Watch him wheel and deal (he'll say anything).
Or Eric Cantor might run.
He's already practicing his spiel.

[Fourth melody] That's not everyone: There's big, blue-eyed John Boehner.
Blunt has joined the fun -- another great campaigner!
Bobby Jindal's in -- that's a sure no-brainer.
Haley Barbour, too.
What about McCain? (D'ya think he has it in him?)
Rush? It's his domain (the guy knows how to spin 'em).
Put on your seatbelt and crank up the heat
And let the brouhaha ensue.
(Anita Thiel Winters, Bethesda, a First Offender)