*Week 827: Caller IDiot*


/To the customer service line for Sylvania Double Soft White Light Bulbs:/

/Gene: I have a complaint about these products. They're not soft./

/Robert: I'm sorry?/

/Gene: Your package says they're soft, but they're not. They smash just
like any other bulbs. I've smashed 12 of them already./

The other day, the Empress received an instant message from her
comrade-in-toilet-humor Gene Weingarten, writer of the Below the Beltway
column in The Washington Post Magazine. "I am making 800-number calls,"
he reported. "You know, you could do an Invite on that. First lines to
ask."

The Empress thought this was a pretty swell idea, and she and Gene
continued to talk at length about how the contest would work -- who
would judge, when we'd do it, would you need the real phone number, etc.

It was not till three hours later that it dawned on the Empress that she
had done the identical contest three years ago -- and that Gene had
chosen the winners.

So if neither of us remembered, what better excuse to do it again?
*/This week:/****/Name a real product or company and supply a stupid
question or complaint for the consumer hotline person. This year's
twist: Not only will Weingarten choose the top winners, but he also
promises to call the top four 800-numbers for customer questions and
complaints (the ones on the packages), and ask the questions, provided
they're supplied along with the entry/*/./ So: You don't have to send in
the 800-number; your entry doesn't even have to be for a product that
offers one. But you won't make the top four. See
http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for a link to the 2006
results
;
one way not to be duplicative is to write about a new product or to use
a current angle.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place gets, courtesy of genuine economist Russell Beland, a Magic 8-Ball
imitation that advises, "Buy now," "bear market ahead," etc. This is the
same model that Tim Geithner uses. Ben Bernanke juggles several and goes
with the most promising answer.

*/Other runners-up/* win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style
Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air
"freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per
week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com
or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Aug. 3. Put "Week 827" in the subject line of your e-mail or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published
Aug. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington
Post and their immediate relatives are not eligible for prizes.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's
honorable-mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; next week's revised title
was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Michael Turniansky.

*Report From Week 823*

In which we sought haiku about current events -- "haiku," for our
purposes, being any three-line poem with five syllables in the first
line, seven in the second and five in the third. Many, many fine entries
this week, although a lot of entries weren't by any stretch about any
current event, and some people seemed unable to count to five or seven.
The contest week coincided with the Iranian riots, the deaths of several
celebrities, and the odd Father's Day vacation of South Carolina Gov.
Mark Sanford.

*The Winner of the Inker*

Sanford and Spitzer,
Blagojevich, McGreevey:
All /NEED/ governors. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston)/

/the winner of the It's Happy/ /Bunny incense:/

2. I remember when
"Folding newspaper" meant we'd
Make a pirate hat. /(Lois Douthitt, Arlington)/

3.Brave Iranians!
We hear your cries of liber--
Whoa! Michael just died! /(Tom Scocca, Silver Spring, a First Offender)/

4. Saint Peter asks if
Jacko can show ID: "You
Don't look familiar." /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)/

*Lower on the Haiku Test: Honorable Mentions*

Appalachian Trail?
The Andes? What's the diff? My
Wife said, "Take a hike!" /(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)/

Just as with Elvis,
Michael's selling more albums.
But from the flip side. /(Judith Cottrill, New York)/

First, Michael Jackson;
Then Billy Mays -- the same age.
Fifty's the new dead. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)/

Ousted in a coup?
The Honduran army says
Manuel's Zelaya. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/

"Dear Occupiers,"
Says Iraq. "Good riddance. But
Don't abandon us." /(L. John Martin, Bethesda, a First Offender)/

The great recession:
A case of the subprime and
The ridiculous. /(John O'Byrne, Dublin)/

"Economy sucks.
Roadkill is our food again."
"Food? You have some food?" /(Richard Rosen, Mount Vernon, N.Y.)/

Ahnold's state is broke:
Pays with paper IOUs.
Best hope: They'll be baaacked. /(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)/

Ahmadinejad
Deemed winner by imams: Sic
Semper Tehranis. /(Brendan Beary)/

Madoff goes to jail
A century and a half:
May he live so long. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax)/

/Al Franken/
I'm good enough, right?
Doggone it, people like me!
(Just enough of them.) /(Phil Frankenfeld)/

Obama's had, what,
Five months -- and all's not fixed yet?
What's taking so long? /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)/

Socialism here!!
Televised execution!
(Of a fly -- but still!) /(Michael Woods, Arlington, a First Offender)/

/Sarah Palin's Resignation/
To stay in office:
"That's a quitter's way out." As . . .
Opposed to quitting? /(Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia)/

Like Jacko, the Nats --
For no apparent reason --
Wear gloves on one hand. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda)/

Jon and Kate plus eight,
Plus two in rendezvous, we hear?
Where do they find time? /(Andrew Langreich, Annapolis, a First Offender)/

Leader Kim Jong Il
Out of sight, not out of mind.
Only out of his. /(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)/

CEO Jobs gets
Non-Apple replacement parts.
Warranty canceled. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/

/'Virginia Closing Half of Rest Stops'/
New test for license:
You must drive your car safely
While your legs are crossed. /(Ellen Raphaeli)/

Strip this girl! Find the
Bomb! Drugs! Knives! Guns! Oh! My! God!
An ibuprofen? /(Emery Walters, Reston)/

/And Last:/
Only Farrah and Michael,
Palin, Sanford, Kim Jung Il?
Weak haiku news week. /(Dave Zarrow)/

More Honorable Mentions can be found at
http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.


More Honorable Mentions from Week 823 of The Style Invitational, which sought haiku about
current events:

"Defense of marriage"
runs afoul of state affairs.
Elephants forget. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, a First Offender)

Father of four seeks
A soul mate on the Pampas:
Five days of fun, tears. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Sanford sans sons, plus
Mistress in Argentina:
That's some Father's Day. (Diana Salowe, Long Island City, N.Y., a First Offender)

A week of obits:
Celebrities dropping like
Leaves in the Dead Pool. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Anagram "Tegucigalpa,
Honduras" converts to "Uh,
Stage a coup, darling." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Economists flop.
Predictions didn't pan out.
All losses, no Keynes. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Where is my bailout?
I work hard. No debts. Green car.
What's for me? The bill. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Moussavi, it's me,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:
Iran and you lost. (Bill Smith, Bethesda)

Bernie will do time
Dressed in an orange jumpsuit.
Hardly Italian. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) ?

The Minnesota
Senate race: Situation
Norm/Al: All fouled up. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Kill flies? Yes we can!
Dealing with Iran's nut case?
That's a bit harder. (Ron Nessen, Bethesda)

Barack got the job!
Funny how nobody else
Has luck finding work. (J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt)

Where is Obama's
Current stance on gay issues?
Don't ask; he won't tell. (Brendan Beary)

If you're the POTUS
Naming someone to SCOTUS
Rush will take notice. (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

Waiting for the other
Naughty Monkey shoe to drop:
Now what, Ms. Palin? (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Palin's star will fade.
Footnotes will whisper, "Quayle lite."
Warhol, bring the hook. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Easier to see
Russia when one's house is a
Castle in the air. (Brendan Beary)

Hey, Washington Post,
Thinner and smaller, I note:
Hey, that's all it wrote. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Each day in The Post:
Lies, abuse and perversion.
(That's just "Ask Amy.") (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Washington baseball:
One hundred and sixty-two
reasons to watch golf. (Andrew Langreich, Annapolis, a First Offender)

Baking or spelling,
"Nestle Tollhouse Cookies" will
Contain "E. coli." (Brendan Beary)

'Cops Shoot Fleeing Bear':
Maybe the right to arm bears
Should not be infringed. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Blood-washed sparkling gems:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
And Mugabe's, too. (Tanja Ciloia, Santa Venera, Malta)

And Last:

The paper's crumpling.
We ain't the only losers
@washpost.com. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)