Week 825: Disinstrumentals

Much of the greatest music ever written consists of the inspired crafting of purely instrumental
sound, undiminished by distracting, often shallow lyrics.

Your turn.

This week: Write some words to music that has no words. It can be a pop
instrumental, a movie or TV theme (if lyrics were written but they weren't sung on the air,
good enough), the Olympic theme, a Sousa march, a well-known bit of classical music, or
whatever will be fairly recognizable.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a special
Taste Sensation three-pack: two cans of silkworm pupae (second picture in slideshow to the
right) and one Kelp Crunch Energy Bar, all picked up at a Korean market by new Loser Mike
Czuhajewski. If you accept this prize, you are required to tell us how it tastes.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable
Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly
tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, July 20. Put "Week 825" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as
spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The
Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 8.
No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's
Honorable Mentions name was submitted independently by Beverley Sharp and Mike Ostapiej;
the revised title for next week's contest is by Beverley Sharp.

REPORT FROM WEEK 821, in which asked you to tell the similarity or
difference between any two items on a list we

We don't think anyone tried all 105
combinations of the 14 items, but some Losers
must have come close. Too commonly offered
but certainly to the point: The difference
between six Somali pirates and one Somali
pirate is five Navy SEALs.

A Buckingham Palace guard is like third base
at Nationals Park: Just stands there and
watches visitor after visitor go by. (Dan
Ramish, Arlington)

2. the winner of Frozen Smiles, the denture-shaped ice cube molds: An elderly Labrador
retriever is like 24 straight games of Tetris: Both are plausible reasons there's pee on the floor.
(J. McCray, Hyattsville)

3. Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and third base at Nationals Park: You want to keep
both of them 90 feet from the plate. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

4. Third base at Nationals Park and a Buckingham Palace guard: When the Royals are in town,
they walk all over you. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)


The entire nation of Latvia and the 2012 presidential campaign: Latvia is wary of its proximity
to Russia, while the presidential campaign is wary of its proximity to Rush. (Brian Cohen,

An elderly Lab and a Buckingham Palace guard: You can blame either for a suspicious foul
odor, and neither can defend himself. (G. Smith, New York)
An elderly Labrador retriever and the 2012 presidential campaign: They both may kick off any
day now. (Barry Koch)

For both the elderly Labrador retriever and the 2012 presidential campaign, the main problem
is stopping B.O. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

An elderly Labrador retriever and the redesigned Facebook home page: The Lab's pile of crap
is probably an accident. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

A Buckingham Palace guard and an elderly Labrador retriever: Both change position every four
hours or so. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

The entire nation of Latvia is like third base at Nationals Park: Few Nationals players have set
foot on either one. (Jennifer Cohen, Bethesda, a First Offender)

An elderly Labrador and someone named Kaytlynne: With each, the cuteness wore off after the
first year. (Kathy Colton, Columbia, a First Offender)

A Somali pirate and an elderly Lab: They're about the same age. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul,

The difference between one Somali pirate and six Somali pirates: approximately nine teeth.
(Russell Beland)

Six Somali pirates are like maraschino cherries on a hamburger: They should be picked off, the
quicker the better. (William Bradford, Washington)

Someone named Kaytlynne and maraschino cherries on a hamburger: Both are misguided
attempts at originality. (Richard Rosen, Mount Vernon, N.Y.)

Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and one Somali pirate: One's short of pits; the other's
from a port of, um, ships. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

The 2012 presidential campaign and Saturn: In the case of Saturn, there's just one giant ball of
gas. (Russell Beland; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Saturn and a poison ivy vine: You don't want either colliding with Uranus. (Jay Shuck)

The redesigned Facebook page and six Somali pirates: Both are a threat to easy navigation.
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and 24 straight games of Tetris: One sweetens your buns,
the other numbs them. (Lawrence McGuire)

The 2012 presidential campaign and a Saturn: The presidential campaign is sure to start on a
cold winter morning in Iowa. (Pam Sweeney)

A Buckingham Palace guard and an elderly Labrador retriever: Only one can correctly be
called a beefeater. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Someone named Kaytlynne vs. a Somali pirate: One is told, "Seize the sea," and one is asked,
"Why the Y's?" (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

The 2012 presidential campaign is like 24 straight games of Tetris: The outcome depends on
how the blockheads fall. (Shelby Sadler, Rockville, whose only other ink was in 1999)

Third base at Nationals Park is like the entire
nation of Latvia: Opposing forces easily stomp
through on their way home. (Ward Kay, Vienna, who last got Invitational ink in 1994)

Next Week: For Real Folks, or Our Country, Tease of Thee

More Winning Song Parodies From Style Invitational Week 825

Winner of a runner-up Loser T-shirt or Loser mug:

/To Sousa's "//Stars and Stripes Forever

[Right from the top, before the main theme]

What's with the paper? It's lookin' kinda thin!
They've clipped the comics -- that's not funny!
(Wonder why The Post is losing money?)
Hate to say it, but of course
They've also thrown out Sunday Source!
Look for Book World, and you're sure to
Be befuddled (it
Means they scuttled it),
Just 'cause the kids won't read the dead-tree edition, it's true!

[skip repeat]

Oh, the newsprint costs have gone sky-high;
Still, The Post should have been astuter:
'Cause folks under 40 just won't buy
Something they can get for free on their computer.

(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

*More Honorable Mentions*

/To "//Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)

Oh, take off your shoes, put your stuff in a bin.
Get scanned through your clothes or they won't let you in.
Check all your luggage, pay the cost,
Then pray that it won't get lost.

Longer lines, longer wait,
Getting stuck at the gate.
Not an inch of leg room,
Is it any wonder I'm irate?
Flying's hard now, it's so hard now,
Ain't gonna fly now!

(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

/To "//No Matter What Shape Your Stomach Is In

[Starting at :09]

Hubby, we gotta chat.
You're getting mighty chubby. Wassup with that?
Turned into a tubby. Here's where it's at:
Let's face it, bub, you're fat.

Honey, you weigh a ton.
Obesity ain't funny when you can't run.
Now we're out of money. Angina's begun.
Embrace it, hon, we're done.

You were skinny, Eddy,
Thin when we went steady.
Then you found spaghetti.
Pasta did you in.

Sweetie, you're awfully big.
Seven plates of ziti? You eat like a pig.
Well, I'm off! Tahiti's the one place I'll dig.
I'm givin' up this gig.

(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

/To the theme from "//Leave It to Beaver
//" /

I'm Britney Spears and I want to say
That what you read isn't true
Okay, I did shave my head one day,
But I like that look, how 'bout you?

And yes, I did leave my house undressed,
My underwear on the floor,
But, like, and this makes me all depressed,
That doesn't mean I am a hor .....

..... rible person, I'm just like you
Except I am famous and rich.
And whatever I do,

People think I am a bit .....
..... Chasteless, maybe that's not a word,

But you know just what I mean.
What's more, my dad is a great big nerd --
He's super-controlling and mean!

(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

/Two parodies to the theme from "//The Dick Van Dyke Show

Well, I'm getting a Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes,
The highest-priced Mercedes that they've got,
And I'm gonna have some work done,
Some quality work done,
And when I'm through, you know I'll be so hot.
Then I'm going to Hawaii,
To Maui and Kauai,
I'm going to Hawaii and you're not,
'Cause you ain't ever going anywhere,
And I don't care a jot,
But I'm hoping that you really care a lot.
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! [stick out tongue].

(Dave Zarrow, Reston)

Oh, my name is Sarah Palin,
I'm bailin' and sailin'
Away from bein' governor, tra la;
I decided, oh yes I did,
To be guv collided
With future plans I'm workin' on, ha ha.
So I'm quittin' and I'm sittin'
On millions I'm gittin'
For writin' up the story of my life;
I may seem simple but the truth is, I'm smart,
I've worked hard on ev'ry part,
I've got it all refined down to an art.

(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

/The Quarter-Life Crisis Song/

To "The Irish Washerwoman "

I could be a barista and make frappuccino
Or be a bartender and serve people vino.
My magna cum laude is great, but as we know
I can't pay the rent with my college degree.

(Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

/To the "//Colonel Bogey March
//" from
"Bridge on the River Kwai"/

Congress -- although we're in a mess,//
Kicks back and plans the next recess.//
Prating, investigating//
And holding hearings to impress the press.

Showing the folks back home they care,//
Pork flies with oiled style and flair.//
Riders, they fool outsiders//
And fund those bridges that lead to nowhere.

[Bridge] But today, embarrassment fills the air.//
Just one word can be heard: Affair!//
Your wives, your high-profile lives cry stop!//
Hey, guys, it's pounds, not your pants, you should drop.

Ohhhh .....//

Congress, there's so much on your plate.//
Health care, Afghanistan debate.//
Yet now, you hop a jet now.//
Do some fundraising, your campaigns won't wait.//

(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

/To the//series of tones at the end of Intel commercials

(starts at about 0:25)//

Hark! Nerds rule the world!//

(J. McCray, Hyattsville)

A monopoly!//

(Larry Yungk, Arlington)

/The Sotomayor Mystery///

To "Chopsticks

Day after day, we've heard Sonia report
On how she'll decide big cases on the high court.
And we've studied the news, but still none of us know
How the nominee feels about Roe.
Is she pro-life? Is she
Pro-choice? Will the right
Be blue? Will the left rejoice?
The Dems don't know, and so
They squirm. Tell us,
Will she reverse or affirm?

(Barbara Sarshik)

/To //Melody in F
//by Anton

(1st melody twice)
Sweet little girls don't wear bows in their curls,//
Times are a-changin', now girls look strange in//
Mary Jane shoes, for they've all got tattoo-oos,//
They're little Barbies now.

More Winning Song Parodies From Style Invitational Week 825

(Page 2 of 2)

Gone are their panties; now they're wearing thongs.//
"Booty" and "sexy," they sing in their songs.//
Sweet little dears, now exposing their re-ars,//
They're little Barbies now.//

(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

/Woody's "//Family Affair //":/

I've got some plans for you, my Soon-Yi,//
Please don't tell Mia, could be that she //
Might be annoyed with you and with me //
(She's odd that way).//

Instead of "Dad" you'll call me your man.//
I'll give you gifts and roles when I can>. //
We'll be a really tight-knitted clan.//
What do you say?//

(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

/Rackety Sex///

To "Yakety Sax "

Oh, there's a couple makin' heaps of trouble
They been keepin' you from sleepin' all night.
They're a pair o' spooners, loony honeymooners,
Doin' what's their natural right.

You can stick your head beneath the covers,
But there ain't no gettin' away from lovey-dovers.
Pour a little whiskey, go get a bite,
Wait till the early light.

The springs are squeakin' and the walls are creakin'
And you're thinkin' of wringin' their necks,
But you're best off boozin' since you can't be snoozin'
With that next-door rackety sex.

Now a man like you has done some livin'
And the women you knew did a whole lot o' givin'.
Pour another whiskey, drink it up right,
Wait for the early light.

(Chris Doyle)

/Madoff With the Cash/

To the theme from "The Pink Panther

I was the chief
The multi-billion thief,
I stole the saaaaaaaavings from all my peers
Got sent to jail
No bail, so don't expect refunds my dears.
And for my crime
I'm primed to do the time,
I got one huuuuundred and fifty years
Guess I shoulda fled to Madagascar --
No extradition. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

/Players of the Lost Par /

Yet another
Game they lost,//
So the Nats ruled//
They must toss the boss.//
Though the players//
Lost the game,//
It was Manager Manny//
Who ended up//
With all the blame .....//

(Terry Gerace and 11-year-old granddaughter Sofia Campoamor, Washington,
First Offenders)

/To "//Percolator //"/

[Start at :14)//

We love our coffee. We go to Starbucks every day.//
We buy their coffee. We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande,
don't care what we pay.//

(It's au revoir, bucks!)//

We're from Encino. Drink cappuccino through the day.//
And what do we know? We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande, don't care what we pay.//
A place like Starbucks has cachet.//

(Chris Doyle)

/The Campaigners///

To Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer

There are rumblings up on the Hill.
That the Republican primary's near.
Grab the brass ring, you know the drill.
Things aren't nearly as bleak as they appear.

With so many who fill the bill,
We have only Obama to fear.
We can do it, we can, if we just pick the right man
(Or woman). This is the GOP's year.

[Second melody] We've got a lengthy list, headed by Charlie Crist,

And can the other Bush -- that's Jeb -- be talked into
The race? It's deju vu!
Will Huckabee wade in the muck to see
If he can preach his way to victory?

And then there's good old Newt. Is he in hot pursuit
Of somethin' bigger than a Sunday morning show?
Let's throw in Tim Pawlenty -- He's so presidenty! --
And the plumber known as Joe.

[First melody] On the South Appalachian Trail,

Mark Sanford banished all trouble and stress.
And a sure bet is Sarah Pal-
in, who's opted to be Alaska-less.
You can hear 'em intoning "Hail
To the Chief" while they're pressing the flesh.

Well now, the big question is, Will it be her win or his?
Who will derail the Obama Express?

[Third melody] Mitt's the man to beat (he heads up the race);
Squeaky clean and sweet (every hair in place).
But let's not forget John Ensign;
Knows how to treat his staff and then some.

Maybe Michael Steele (he's the king of bling).
Watch him wheel and deal (he'll say anything).
Or Eric Cantor might run.
He's already practicing his spiel.

[Fourth melody] That's not everyone: There's big, blue-eyed John Boehner.

Blunt has joined the fun -- another great campaigner!
Bobby Jindal's in -- that's a sure no-brainer.
Haley Barbour, too.
What about McCain? (D'ya think he has it in him?)

Rush? It's his domain (the guy knows how to spin 'em).
Put on your seatbelt and crank up the heat
And let the brouhaha ensue.

(Anita Thiel Winters, Bethesda, a First Offender)