Week 822: For Real Folks

Suburban Male Cuisine: Backyard cooking with flamethrowers, arc welders and explosives.

This week the Mall plays host to the annual Smithsonian Folklife Festival, formerly the Festival of American Folklife. There's sure to be a delightful variety of performances, demonstrations and food that celebrate our country's (and selected others') quainter traditions. But it can include only so much. This week: Suggest some attractions for a Festival of Real American Folklife, as in the example above by Loser Peter Metrinko, who suggested this contest.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets Mustard Marvin, a nifty bottle topper. Squeeze on the bottle and out oozes the viscous yellow stuff from the monster's mouth. Donated by Dave Prevar.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 29, at midnight wherever you are. Put "Week 822" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte; the revised title for next week's contest is by Mike Ostapiej.

Report From Week 818, in which we asked for slogans not only for real holidays but also for those commemorative days, weeks and months ginned up by various interest groups.

The Winner of the Inker

Mother Goose Day (May 1): When keeping in touch is more than just a phone call. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)

2. the winner of the pack of screedy right-wing John Kerry $3 bills: Positive Attitude Month (October): Right, like it's going to do any good. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.)

3. International Day for the Eradication of Poverty (Oct. 17): Tomorrow, we'll take care of racism. (Charles Koelbel, Houston)

4. National Accordion Awareness Month (June): Brought to you by the Society Opposed to Being Told to Shut the Hell Up. (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring)

A Calendar Packed With Play Dates: Honorable Mentions

National Fruitcake Toss Day (Jan. 3): You are not required to eat it first. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

Women's Self-Empowerment Week (Jan. 5-11): I'm going to let my wife participate. You should, too. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Charles Koelbel)

Cut Your Energy Costs Day (Jan. 10): Turn your Pepco bill into a snowflake. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Senior Women's Travel Month (January): It's time for old bags to pack new bags. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Better Business Communication Day (Jan. 22): Actualize an impactful dialogue sea change. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bread Machine Baking Month (January): Feb. 1: Take Your Baked Bread Machine to the Dump Day. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.; Craig Dykstra)

Wave Your Fingers Day (February 2007): Part of Exercise for the Obese Week. (Craig Dykstra)

National Potato Lover's Month (February): Please dispose of potato after using. (Craig Dykstra)

International Mother Language Day (Feb. 21): And I suppose that if everyone else were celebrating it, you would too? (Charles Koelbel)

World Thinking Day (Feb. 22): Beats World Doing Something Day. (Charles Koelbel)

Ethics Awareness Month (March): Strictly speaking, it's just "awareness" of, not "actually acting" on. (Russell Beland)

Community Service Month (April): Go on, get arrested for DUI -- it's for a good cause. (M.C. Dornan)

Save the Rhino Day (May 1): In a few years, those horns will be worth even more. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

World Press Freedom Day (May 3): Brought to you by the Polyester Institute. (Charles Koelbel)

Hug Your Cat Day (May 29): Held in conjunction with Visit Your Emergency Room Month. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Fireworks Safety Month (June): We get this one out of the way in June so you can let loose in July. (Russell Beland; Steve Power, Woodbridge)

Adopt-a-Cat Month (June): Coming this November: Abandon a Cat Because It's No Longer a Cute Little Kitten Month. (Russell Beland)

Take Your Pet to Work Day (June 26): Unless you work at a slaughterhouse. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City; Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Doghouse Repairs Month (July): For those whose calendars omitted their spouses' birthdays. (Vicki Sullivan, Washington)

Anxiety Day (July 5): Today could be the first day of the rest of your life; then again, it could be the last. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Cow Appreciation Day (July 15): Tipping encouraged. (Craig Dykstra)

National Recovery Month (August): National Covery Month was such a hit, we're doing it again. (Russell Beland)

Waffle Week (Aug. 31-Sept. 6): Well, National Waffle Week is Sept. 6-12. And National Waffle Day is Aug. 23 -- we just can't settle on one date . . . (Angela Gonsorcik, Alexandria, a First Offender)

Organic Harvest Month (September): Not to be confused with National Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness Month. (J. McCray, Hyattsville, a First Offender)

Pain Awareness Month (September): It's the pain you aren't aware of that hurts the most. (Tom Murphy, Bowie)

Patriot Day (Sept. 11): Tap a neighbor's phone. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Felt Hat Day (Sept. 15): Not as meaningful as Felt Blouse Day, but less likely to get you arrested. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

National White Chocolate Day (Sept. 23): For people who dislike chocolate in their chocolate. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October): Why should we continue importing violence from China? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Columbus Day (Oct. 12): When descendants of indigenous peoples celebrate their discovery of European sailors. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Disarmament Week (Oct. 24 -30): You first. (Michael Turner, Takoma Park, a First Offender)

Human Rights Day (Dec. 10): A day of protest against the Klingons. (Charles Koelbel)

National Fraud Awareness Week (several): Requires a $50 awareness fee. (Don Kirkpatrick)

Next Week: Art Re-View, or Who's Your Dada?