Week 816: Googillions


Susan Boyle, the latest Pussycat Doll: 4,910,000 hits

I want to pay Mayor Barry's taxes: 1,510,000 hits

Marriage is between a Republican and a Republican: 15,900,000 hits

We've done a contest for Googlewhacks -- phrases that generate one Google hit. We've done Googlenopes -- phrases that generate no Google hits. Now, per the suggestion of Inexorably Climbing Toward the Hall of Fame Loser Kevin Dopart, we're heading cautiously in the other direction. This week: Come up with an original phrase that generates at least 1 million listings on a Google search, as in the examples above. We don't want you to send in someone else's witty remark that's spread to a million Web sites. We're looking instead for something originally funny, ironic or at least remarkable in that it generates so many hits.

To accomplish this feat, it's best not to use quotation marks around the phrase you're searching for -- it's fine (better!) if your phrase doesn't show up on the Google hits. The Empress just has to be able to feed your words into Google and see that two-comma number atop the page of search results.

Note: While it's not easy to come up with great entries for this contest, it is distressingly easy to come up with meh entries for this contest. So: Do not submit more than 25 entries.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine volume that, if you hold your finger over one letter in the title, looks as if it's called "The Big As Book of Jokes." It's, well, a big book of jokes that actually are pretty mild; some of them wouldn't be out of place in Boys' Life. Donated jointly by Big Losers Beverley Sharp and Mae Scanlan.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or -- it's back! -- a Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 18. Put "Week 816" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; the revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle.

Report From Week 812, in which we asked for "fictoids" relating to medicine and the human body.

We were shocked, shocked (see next week's results) that many of the entries were scatological in nature! One clever entry, from Barry Koch of Catlett, Va., didn't qualify for this contest because it was just too true: Smoking three or more packs of cigarettes a day IS a proven way to prevent aging.

The Winner of the Inker

Contrary to claims by some scientists, hair is not dead. It just has a high threshold of pain. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

2. the winner of the book of paper dolls of the George H.W. Bush family:

It takes twice as many muscles to make an armpit fart as it does an actual one. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

3. The reason your fingernails keep growing after you die is just in case you have to scratch your way out of the coffin. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

4. In the Southern Hemisphere, eating beans makes you belch. (Charlie Wood, Falls Church)

These Only Hurt a Little: Honorable Mentions

Extreme halitosis sometimes necessitates the removal of the hal. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Doctors make you sit on wax paper because they are required to keep a tracing of your butt cheeks for their files. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Holding in flatulence during an airplane flight can cause your intestines to explode. (The risk is even higher on the space shuttle, which is why astronauts are required to fart every 30 minutes.) (Melissa Yorks, sent from Milan, Italy)

The human eye cannot distinguish between cordovan and burnt umber. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Before oral thermometers were invented, all temperatures were taken with written thermometers. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Blindness can be caused by shaking your hand vigorously. (Art Grinath)

The two participants in any happy, long-term relationship -- married or not, straight or gay -- will have virtually the same number of [well, let's say "nostril"] hairs. (Couples who discover that their numbers don't match: Think about it: How happy are you, really?) (Michael Kilby, Wildau, Germany)

A buffed coat of earwax on sterling silver will keep it tarnish-free. (Peter Boice, Rockville)

Only 2 percent of people can touch their noses with their tongues, but almost twice as many can touch other people's noses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

The length of a person's pinkie toe is equal to the length of his or her uvula, and in an emergency they can be interchanged. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Breast implants correlate to lower IQ: The bigger the implants, the dumber the man attracted to them. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

A mixture of Screaming Bubbles and green tea makes an excellent laxative as well as an effective oven cleaner. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

If you burp, sneeze and fart simultaneously, there is an 80 percent chance that your son will say, "Hey, Dad, can you do that again?" (Jean Stewart, Washington, a First Offender)

The speculum was originally used as a "harsh interrogation" device. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

Medical researchers still cannot determine why pigs, which are 100 percent pork, never suffer from high cholesterol. (J.L. Strickland, Valley, Ala.)

Even though separated by a great distance, an identical twin has been known to develop gas when the other twin eats beans. (J.L. Strickland)

Liver spots are so named because they exude a faint aroma of chicken liver. (Stephen Dudzik)

If you laid all of the arteries, arterioles, capillaries, venules and veins in your body end to end, you'd die. (Martin Heath, Wenatchee, Wash., a First Offender; Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

Shaving for 30 or more years leads to the graying of one's beard. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville)

Three crushed cloves of raw garlic, taken orally, make an effective contraceptive. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)

Children have an adhesive substance below their epidermis, so that when a child ingests any liquid, a layer of sticky slime immediately spreads over his hands and arms. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Before tonsils evolved, early man could not yodel. (Chuck Smith)

It is now considered unnecessary to wait 45 minutes after eating to go swimming. Scientific studies now show that 38 minutes is plenty. (Ben Schwalb)

Forty percent of frostbite victims who have lost their toes suffer from phantom lint. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Despite the various images in public service ads, your brain on drugs most closely resembles a lava lamp. (Russell Beland)

Within a month of being buried, all human eyeballs look true north. (Jeff Brechlin)

In many animal species, the only difference between males and females is that the females have long eyelashes. -- W. Disney, Magic Kingdom (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

Next Week: Aw, Shocks or Fakin' by Surprise

ONLINE DISCUSSION: Have a question about this week's contest? Or just want to talk about the Invitational in general? Join the new discussion group The Style Conversational, at washingtonpost.com/styleconversational. The Empress will weigh in with comments and replies during the week, and non-Empresses may talk among themselves.