Week 810: What Kind of Foal Am I?


Giant Oak x Gluteus Maximus = Heck of a Trunk

Another spring, once more around the track: A list of 100 of the more than 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races begins on page four; as in past years, your job is to "breed" any two -- even though almost all are male, and a few are geldings -- and provide an appropriate name for their foal, as in the example above. As in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces. If you're writing more than a handful of entries -- and limit yourselves to 25 in any case -- be sure to double-space the list; we always get many thousands of entries for this contest, and the Empress, while arguably semi-divine, has but two eyeballs.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an extraordinary teacup (see slideshow at right) discourtesy of Carolyn Guy of Mechanicsville, Md., who is not a Loser but is a "faithful fan of the Invitational since Week 1." But there's a catch: Because we are not about to put this delicate little gewgaw in the mail, you must accept the prize in person from the Empress at the 14th annual Flushies, the Losers' own annual awards luncheon, Saturday, May 2, in College Park. See the Losers' Web site, http://www.gopherdrool.com, for details. If you place second and don't come, we'll send you a Loser T-shirt instead, and give the teacup to the highest-placing Loser who does show.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 6. Put "Week 810" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley; the revised title for next week's results was submitted independently by Jeffrey Contompasis and Mike Ostapiej.

Report From Week 806, in which we asked for "disqualifying statements" made by a would-be romantic interest: We got many entries along the line of "After my fourth wife's death was ruled an accident . . ." and "Cat Number 27 is named . . . ." Several Losers cited actual dates: Francesca Kelly's suitor offered to show her the human ear he kept in a jar. Elizabeth Molye's would-be beau bragged, "I make beautiful babies with white women." Maureen Driscoll swears her date confided, "I never thought I'd go out with someone as old as you." And Ann DeMart's driving companion noted, "That's the scar from when I tried to cut my arm off."

We interrupt these results to show you the latest Style Invitational Magnets, to be awarded to future Honorable Mentions. (See the magnets in the slideshow at right.) Lee Dobbins of Arlington and Ed Gordon of Georgetown, Tex., each win the ever-more-famous Bob Staake's original sketch for the design, along with the actual magnet in the usual business-card size.

4. "I always flush six times because I want to be sure everything has gone down and flushing seven times would just be stupid." (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

3. ". . . President unquote Obama . . ." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

2.the winner of the remote-control-motif necktie: "I like tapas because I can put each little dish on a separate credit card." (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Inker

"I'm so excited -- I've never been on a second date before." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Didn't Get Past First Base: Honorable Mentions

"This is the nicest restaurant in town that's more than 500 yards from any school, playground or bike path." (Kevin D'Eustachio, Beltsville)

"April 20? No, I'm sorry, I can't -- I always celebrate Der Fuhrer's birthday alone." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

"Please don't hold your fork that way. Watch. Do it like this. Better." (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

"I like to talk in rhyme. I do it all the time. I find it quite sublime." (Rob Cohen, Potomac)

"You know, the real way to collect butterflies is to pin them to the board while they're still alive." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

"I was going to take you to a fancier restaurant than this, but I thought you might feel out of place." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

"Then the guy tells me my butt tattoo looks infected, so I say, 'Which do you mean, the tattoo on my butt or the one OF a butt?' (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

"Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find my Tuesday underwear." (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

"I'm sorry I'm staring. I'm just used to seeing you through the blinds." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

"While we wait, let's get the packets from the other tables so we can sprinkle them and make sugar angels!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Spending time with my kids is so much easier now that they're all in the same prison." (Sally Fasman, Washington)

"A lot of people are, you know, prejudiced against dogfighting . . ." (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)

"Chris Hansen looks a lot taller in person." (Gordon Barnes, Alexandria, a First Offender)

"My therapist says I'm ready for a transitional relationship." (Matt Wagner, Hagerstown, Md., a First Offender)

"I was really hoping Bush would run for a third term." (Mike Ostapiej)

"Like so many other people, I got caught up in the self-asphyxiation craze for a while." (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

"With the opposite sex, I usually bat around .200, but with you I have the distinct feeling that it'll be closer to .400 or at least .344, which is Ted Williams's lifetime batting average." (John Shea)

"Is this the part of the date where you trot out some spiel about your quote-unquote values?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

"Two factors!! Sorry, I always shout that whenever I hear a prime number." (William Kane, Arlington)

"Hey, don't you work out at 6:30 on Monday-Wednesday-Friday, and 9-11 a.m. Saturday, and then drive home in your red Honda Civic, usually stopping for coffee at either Starbucks or Tiger Mart depending on whether you need to refill your tank using your Speedpass?" (JB Richardson, Falls Church, a First Offender)

"Okay, now, I'll sneak into the movie and then let you in one of the exit doors." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"I hear that flat-chested girls try harder in the sack." (Chuck Smith)

"Hey, babe, I'm playing Obama tonight, and do I have a stimulus package for you!" (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)

"What did Jeff Brechlin mean by that? Well, what Jeff Brechlin wanted you to know is that Jeff Brechlin is happy to meet you, and that . . . " (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"I wish my sister's breasts were as large as yours." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"My last girlfriend was the Empress, though we never actually went out . . ." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Next Week: Pretty Graphic Expressions, or Dim Sums


Horses for Week 810



Abound

Action in May

Advice

Affirmatif

All the Bases

Andiron

Antitrust

Baryshnikov

Beethoven

Big Drama

Boyhood Dream

Bridging

Bunker Hill

Buzzin and Dreamin

Century Gold

Charitable Man

Checklist

Chocolate Candy

Clicker

Coffee Bar

Cribnote

Danger to Society

Desert Party

Dream Now

Driving Snow

Dunkirk

El Rapido

Empire State

Everyday Heroes

Fast Draw

Flat Out

Giant Oak

Gluteus Maximus

Gone Astray

Hello Broadway

Hold Me Back

I Want Revenge

Ice Road

Il Postino

In the Juice

Jack Spratt

Just Ben

Life Goes On

Logic

Lookn Mighty Fast

Lyin' Heart

Map of the World

Marquee Event

More Than Willing

Mr. Fantasy

National Monument

New York Baby

Nowhere to Hide

Oil Man

Old Fashioned

Omniscient

Parade Clown

Party Hard

Pauper's Prize

Pedestal

Pitched Perfectly

Platinum Van

Poltergeist

Precious Package

Presto Change O

Quarter Given

Red Spider

Red Wine

Remember Mike

Rendezvous

Retap

Right One

Right of Way

Rocket to the Moon

Rue

Sea Level

Shafted

Silver City

Sir Phenomenal

Skipadate

Sneak Peek

Snowmaster

Stayonit

Street Car

Sullenberger

Sumo

Sunday Sunrise

Sweat Shop

The Big Dunkin

They're Late

Tiz True

Tone It Down

Total Gentleman

Unionize

Wall Street Wonder

Wat

West Side Bernie

Wild Entry

Wise Kid

Zither Song