Week 808: Take Us At Our Words


It's been a while since we've done a word-bank contest, one that asks you to write some passage using only a particular set of words. Several readers did not exactly applaud our rearrangements of the Gettysburg Address, let alone the Book of Genesis, so here's a source a bit less sacrosanct: This Week: Create a humorous poem or other writing using only the words contained in this week's Style Invitational column and results. Anything longer than 50 words must be astonishingly good. You must use the exact word used (e.g., you can't turn it into a plural) and you can't use a word more than once unless it appears more than once here. You may change capitalization and punctuation.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the scientific treatise "What's Your Poo Telling You?," donated by close-on-1,000-time Loser Tom Witte.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 23. Put "Week 808" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett; the revised title for next week's results is by Andrew Hoenig.

Report From Week 804, in which we asked you to create a "typo" in an actual Washington Post headline by adding, deleting or substituting one letter, or transposing two letters, and then write a "bank headline" to match the revised main head. (Some of the entries below include the original word in brackets at the end.)

4. Once More, With Feeding
Kate Moss Launches New Career as Plus Model (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3. What Could Have Been Horse?
Travelers Ponder the Mysteries of Foreign Menus (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

2. the winner of the book "Boring Postcards USA"
Rwanda's Move Into Condo
Fuels Suspicion [Congo]
8 Million Residents in Single Apartment
May Be Code Violation (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

And the Winner of the Inker

In Steep and Swift Fall, Bow Lands at 6-Year Low
Aretha's Hat Now Covers Entire Face (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis )

Receding Headlines: Honorable Mentions

Back Home in Alaska, Palin Finds Clod Comfort
Ted Stevens Greets Governor at Airport (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

President of Oblivia Stirs Fierce Debate
People Still Undecided as to Whether Nation Even Exists (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

Save an Additional 200% [20%]
Local Merchants Get Desperate (Beverley Sharp)

New Teat, Old Position [Team]
Reconstructive Surgery Not Intended to Restore 'Perkiness' (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Obama Vows to Have Deficit by End of Term [Halve]
Promise Is First That GOP Doesn't Call Unrealistic (Raishad Hardnett, Greenville, Del., a First Offender)

Miser Loves Company
Skinflint Invites Friends In Just to Watch Him Count His Cash (Beverley Sharp)

In N.Y., Mensweat Captures the Mood [Menswear]
You Can Smell the Fear on Wall Street (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

In N.Y., Menswear Captures the Food
Manhattan Guys Don't Bother With Napkins (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.)

A Seven-Curse, Seven-Stop Manhattan Meal
Carlin-Themed Dinner Deemed a %&*# Success (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Alternative Energy Still Facing Herdwinds
Downwind Residents Launch Protest Against Cow-Methane Project (Barrett Swink, Annandale )

Striving to Have a Vice in the Workplace
Company's Sexual Harassment Workshop Has Unusual Purpose (Beverley Sharp)

U.S. Has Dull Task on Climate Change [Dual]
Gore Just the Man for the Job (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Dog Hits Lowest Level in Years
Carries Foofy Sweater to Owner, Begs to Have It Put On (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

On the Carpet, Their Hips Are Sealed
Butt Glue Is Secret to Runway Saunter (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton)

The Toad Not Taken
'She's Just Not Into You,' Buddy Tells Ugly Guy (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Bad News About Unclear Arms
Drop Seen in Tattoo Quality (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

French, British Officials Confirm Nuclear Tubs Collided in Atlantic
Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker Face Admiralty Charges (Ben Consilvio, Potomac, a First Offender)

Toxic Hair in Va. Restaurants [Air]
State Enacts Strict Ban on Mullets (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Vegas, Midwest Seek $8 Billion for Fast Drains [Trains]
They Can't Pour Federal Dollars Down Regular Ones Fast Enough (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

The Nation's Hosing
From Fannie and Freddie, Here Come the Fee Increases (Dale Hill, Bethesda, a First Offender)

Stimulus Pill Now Goes to Obama
President Now Prescribed Daily Amphetamines (Dave Prevar)

More Brides Are Saying 'I Don't' to a Normal Set [Formal]
Implants Become Popular Wedding Gift (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

$900,000 in Grunts Not Documented
Las Vegas Brothels Hit With Tax Charges (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

After Voting Largely Along Party Lies, $787 Billion Bill Goes to Obama
The Mendacity of Hope? (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Mbabane, Swaziland)

Volcano Erupts in Child [Chile]
8-Year-Old Explodes After Gorging on Six Boxes of Frosted Flakes (Mae Scanlan)

Johnson Backs Off Request That Assembly Praise Taxes
State 'Death' Celebration Also Unlikely to Pass (Kevin Dopart)

Justice Dept. Defends Tush Rule on Guns [Bush]
VPs Must Now Shoot Friends From Behind (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

United Eager to Select Kite [Site]
Struggling Airline Takes Radical Step to Save Fuel Costs (Christopher Lamora; J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt)

'A Bra Off' Scandal Yields More Charges
Senator Struggles to Explain Victoria's Secret Bill as Business Expense (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

In Japan, Temporary Porkers Are First to Feel Fiscal Pain [Workers]
Sumo Sparring Mates Face Layoffs (Chris Doyle)

Talks Could Clear Way for Congressional Testimony by Dove [Rove]
Former Laureate Summoned to Explain What the Heck the Inaugural Poem Was About (Christopher Lamora)

Don't Miss the Sweat Spots
FDA to Require Instructions on Deodorant Labels (Russell Beland)

Glimpses of Bribal Cultures
Lecture Series to Focus on Russia, Zimbabwe, Congress (Christopher Lamora)

Smoking Bat Passes in Va. [Ban]
Veterinarians Had Advised Mammal to Give Up Tobacco (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa; Beverley Sharp)

Factoring In the Cost of Getting Some [Home]
Bachelors, Don't Forget Movie, Dinner, Wine (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station; Beverley Sharp; Peter A. Siegwald, Arlington)

Driving Up the Cost for Public Dorks
Quayle Still on Federal Payroll (Tom Bruner, Sterling)

GM, Chrysler Seek Billions More in Air
Companies Figure That Maybe Money Does Fall Out of the Sky (J. Calvin Smith)

Spitzer Flies to Be Unsealed
Former Governor's Wife Finally Relents After Imposing 12-Month Punishment (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Next Week: Brand Ecchs, or Gross Notional Products