Week 803: The Pepys Show
11/16/1863, 12:30 a.m. Dear Diary: Just fourscore and seven hours from now I'll find myself engaged in a speech testing whether I can find something interesting to say about a cemetery. Thankfully, the world will little note what I say . . .
I n addition to inflicting their humor on the world at large, a number of Style Invitational entrants (and assorted hangers-on) do the same privately on a Yahoo e-mail group called Losernet, in which they share their submissions after the Invite deadline each week, as well as engage in your typical online soul-baring, bickering and general flirtation. Recently, we hear, Chronic Loser Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., noted that his family vacation cabin contains a journal containing several generations' worth of diary entries. This prompted an ad hoc Losernet competition to speculate on the entry for the random date of July 14, 1921 -- and it also prompted Losers Russell Beland and Anne Paris to suggest, independently, a contest idea to the Empress. This week: Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, for any point in history, as in Russell's example above. Anything over 50 words had better be a classic.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just in time to be too late for Valentine's Day -- a large heart-shaped can of Bittersweets conversation hearts "for the dumped," including such sentiments as "Return my CDs" and "Back 2 Kennel." Donated by Ed Gordon of Georgetown, Tex.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 17. Put "Week 803" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mention name is by Bruce W. Alter; the revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle.
Report From Week 799, our biennial contest to fashion "joint legislation" from the names of the 68 new members of Congress.
As always, thousands of bills were submitted, many of them pretty much the same: Among the most common were the Harper-Lee Act to make it a crime, as well as a sin, to kill a mockingbird, and lots of variations on Fleming-Coffman germ-spreading, not to mention Fudge-Cao to encourage the natural production of chocolate milk.
For humor's sake, we were willing to bend actual pronunciation a bit: Cao, for instance, is really pronounced "Gao," but we're calling that close enough for you-know-what-kind-of work. On the other hand, Driehaus, pronounced Dree-haus, can't be "dry house," though it would work for "treehouse." (Literally dozens of entrants "solved" the dry-house problem simply by spelling the congressman's name Dreihaus.) And some pathetically hardworking Losers sent in names that matched the words they had in mind only in their thoroughly deluded brains (Cao-Nye for cojones? Begich for Belgium??).
4. The Hunter-Thompson Act to legalize everything. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton)
3.The Roe-Pingree-Lee-Risch Bill: The Democratic Party's economic recovery plan. -- S. Hannity (Dave Zarrow, Reston)
2. the winner of the genuine Goldwater '64 and Mondale/Ferraro '84 bumper stickers:
The Schock-Roe-Lee-Polis Taser-Motivated Weight Loss Act. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
And the Winner of the Inker
The Bright-Lee-Fleming-Massa-Cao-Fudge Bovine Biofuels Development Act. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
Acts of Desperation: Honorable Mentions
The Udall-Udall Act to forbid calling out to pretty women walking past construction sites. (Michael Kilby, Sandoval, Germany)
The Schauer-Schock-Burris It Cold Act to standardize the temperature of hotel water heaters. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
The Peters-Warner bill to require men to provide their shoe sizes on online dating sites. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The McMahon-Cao Act to prohibit the addition of human flesh to fast-food burgers. (Jackie Dobranski, Washington, a First Offender)
Begich-Schrader Airline Luggage Damage Compensation Act. (Dudley Thompson)
The Nye-Teague-Lance Act prohibiting preteen boys from spying on slumber parties. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)
The Begich-Teague-Schauer Resolution encouraging common-sense personal hygiene. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
The Posey-Coffman bill to crack down on unlicensed hernia doctors. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
The Lance-Franken-Roe Act to combat unfortunate results of in vitro fertilization. (Eric Ries, Bethesda, a First Offender; Stephen Dudzik)
The Coffman-Fleming Act: Just another piece of legislation that puts us deeper into hock. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
The Olson-Grayson Act to mandate that men over 40 still living at home with their parents need to move out. (Bruce Collins, Olney)
The Schock-Udall Act to take Taser Barbie off the market. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
The Massa-Hunter Slave Revenge Act (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria)
The Franken-Roe Act to keep the cost of a caviar dog in the Nationals Park skyboxes under the $25 lobbying limit. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
The Roe-Massa-Teague Wild Horse Free Range Act. (Dudley Thompson; Jon Graft, Centreville)
The Schock-Johanns Act to make joy buzzers illegal. (Doug Pinkham)
The Cao-Fudge Act, affirming that euphemisms are often preferable during House deliberations. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
The Markey-Peters Act requiring convicted sex offenders to have an ID tattooed in a relevant place. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly; Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
The Fleming-Fudge Fondue Safety Act. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
The Udall-Roe Act to reduce fuel expenditures for the Navy fleet. (Rob Cohen, Potomac)
The Schauer-Hunter bill to fund less risky ventures for NOAA after hurricane season. (Rob Cohen)
The Hunter-Begich Act to mandate training in the interdisciplinary field of gynecological dermatology. (Brian Cohen, Potomac)
The Lance-Udall Act legalizing voodoo. (Steve Offutt, Arlington)
The Massa-Kosmas-Hunter Resolution honoring Carl Sagan. (Mike Hammer, Arlington; Ira Allen, Bethesda)
The Johanns-Hunter-Titus Emergency Security Legislation revising airport screening practices, including pat-down searches on hotties. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)
The Griffith-Rooney-Coffman Act recognizing the importance of the Andes. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
The Lance-Nye ban on running with scissors. (Mike Hammer)
The Cassidy-Markey-Rooney Act to bail out the Italian restaurant industry. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)
Next Week: Compairisons, or Pun Pals
Translations of the 'Joint Legislation' for Style Invitational Week 799
Friday, February 6, 2009; 11:51 AM
The Roe-Pingree-Lee-Risch Bill: The Democratic Party's economic recovery plan. [Roping Really Rich]
The Schock-Roe-Lee-Polis Taser-Motivated Weight Loss Act. [Shock Roly-Polies]
The Bright-Lee-Fleming-Massa-Cao-Fudge Bovine Biofuels Development Act. [Brightly Flaming Mass o' Cow Fudge]
The Begich-Schrader Airline Luggage Damage Compensation Act. [Baggage Shredder]
The Nye-Teague-Lance Act prohibiting pre-teen boys from spying on slumber parties. [Nightie Glance]
The Begich-Teague-Schauer Resolution encouraging common-sense personal hygiene. [Big Itch, Take Shower]
The Roe-Massa-Teague Wild Horse Free Range Act. [Roam Assateague]
The Udall-Roe Act to reduce fuel expenditures for the Navy fleet. [You'd All Row]
The Hunter-Begich Act to mandate training in the interdisciplinary field of gynecological dermatology. [Hunt Her Big Itch]
The Griffith-Rooney-Coffman Act recognizing the importance of the Andes. [As in Andy Griffith, Andy Rooney and Andy Kaufman]
The Lance-Nye ban on running with scissors. [Lance an Eye]
The Cassidy-Markey-Rooney Act to bail out the Italian restaurant industry. [Casa de "Marcarooni"]
Next Week: Compairisons, or Pun Pals