Week 801: Ask Backwards


· Because he is an idiot

· Remote control rabbits

· Orange but not purple

· Why you should never say "bless you"

· The best Washington Monument topper

· A wasabi-and-jelly sandwich

· Oops, that was a typo

· The Post's upcoming new feature

· Ferret booties

· They forgot this Cabinet post

· Aretha Franklin's swimsuit

· Either Topeka or Yemen

You are on "Jeopardy!" (Well, you are on Invitational Jeopardy.) Here are the answers, many of them supplied to us stream-of-consciousness-style within the space of 60 seconds by a feverish man we found rambling incoherently near Eastern Market. You supply one or more of the questions.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this toy harmonica with gross plastic drippy-looking lips attached to it, donated by Jennifer Jones of Baltimore and modeled with distressing eagerness by 21-time Loser Marleen May of Rockville (Empress at a recent monthly Loser brunch: "Does anyone here want to look ridiculous and disgusting in a photo to be published in The Washington Post?" Marleen: "Oh, me, me!"). See http://www.gopherdrool.com if you are interested in dining with genuine Losers (don't wear your nicer sleeves).

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2. Put "Week 801" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 797, in which we asked you to supply a New Year's resolution for any well-known personage:

4. Michael Jackson: Keep nose to the grindstone. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3. Norm Coleman: Make 226 new friends. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

2. the winner of the flamingo wine bottle caddy: George W. Bush: Learn an English language. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Inker

John Wilkes Booth: Turn over in grave. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Under Achievers: Honorable Mentions

Michael Moore: Stop being so gentle and make a film that really sticks it to the president . . . oh, wait, damn. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Oprah Winfrey: Chew each turkey 32 times before devouring. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Joe Biden: Buy better-tasting footwear. (Brian Fox, Charlottesville)

Miley Cyrus: Give Dad a raise. (Cy Gardner)

The SEC: Start keeping an eye on that Madoff guy. (Judith Cottrill)

O.J. Simpson: Find the real robbers. (Russell Beland; Jon Graft, Centreville)

Phyllis Diller: Stay on the "Not Dead" celebrity list. (Jeff Brechlin)

Roland Burris: Wear that asterisk with pride. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Regis Philbin: Stop being Regis Philbin. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

The Detroit Lions: Hire a few profs to teach courses, get accredited as a university, and join the Big Ten. Purdue may be beatable. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Hillary Clinton: Train myself to eliminate all traces of sarcasm when I say call my new boss "Sir." (Russell Beland)

Joe Biden: Renovate basement dungeon in the new house. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothsay, Earl of Carrick, Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Grand Steward of Scotland: Talk to Mummy about my future. (Barnaby Roberts, Reedville, Va., a First Offender)

Barack Obama: Get Hillary confirmed, then fire her. (Russell Beland)

Mitt Romney: Change my hair every 3,000 miles. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Brett Favre: Consider retirement.
Brett Favre: Reconsider retirement.
Brett Favre: Consider retirement.
Brett Favre: Reconsider retirement. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.)

Plaxico Burress: Stop messing with the safety. (Drew Bennett, sent from Amarillo, Tex.)

Osama bin Laden: Take time out to stop and smell the evil. (Lawrence McGuire)

Sarah Palin: Move to Mongolia so I can see China from my house. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Pete Seeger: Finally go out and just get myself a hammer. (Russell Beland)

Tina Fey: Start working on that Mike Huckabee impersonation. (Jeff Brechlin)

Next Week: Dead Letters, or Bard Stiff