Week 800: Compairisons


Musical chairs: Kindergarten game.

Mucusal chairs: Kindergarten furniture.

United States: 2009

Untied States: 1861-65

While you'd think that in the previous 799 weeks the Invitational has put forth every possible form of pun contest, here's one that -- in its form, anyway -- might be at least a wee bit different from anything we've done before. This week: Briefly define or sum up an existing word or short phrase, then change it very slightly and do the same with the result, as in the examples above. Imperious though she is, the Empress also wouldn't turn away a three-part entry, with two changes, if the definitions fit together in some amazing way.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a curiosity called "The Raspberry Ice Cream War," a fascinating comic book sent to us years ago by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Published by the European Commission in 1998 in 14 languages (this one, alas, is in English), it's a time-travel fable that explains to tykes the economic importance of a Europe without trade barriers. Oooh, we hope they're convinced!

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 26. Put "Week 800" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested in a tougher form by Christopher Lamora of Arlington. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 796, in which we basically gave you free rein to make groaner plays off people's names.

Everyone came up with "Condoleaser Rice: Foggy Bottom rental agent," and everyone plus numerous others submitted a "Bernie Made-Off."

The contest did specify that the pun had to be on the name of a particular real or fictitious person; that ruled out some hilariously inspired names of rock groups, Web sites, businesses, etc. Hold on to those, Losers; we'll do this contest again.

5. Darth Evader: "Luke . . . er . . . about your father . . ." (LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.)

4. Shah Kilo Neal: 7-foot-2 Iranian drug mule. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

3. John James Autobahn: He specializes in painting highway roadkill. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

2. the winner of the dubious beauty creams from Oman:

Antonym Scalia: Earl Warren. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Inker

Louie Louie XVI: "Oh, oh -- me head gotta roll!" (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Nymrods: Honorable Mentions

Greta Garble: Actress whose most famous utterance was "I vant to be algrxpt." (Karen Albamonti, North Kingstown, R.I., a First Offender)

Cliche Guevara: Someone who walks around in a beret and fatigues. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Homer Khayyam: "A pizza, a Duff and Marge -- mmmmm." (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand, a First Offender)

Tapper John, M.D.: Larry Craig's proctologist. (Chris Doyle)

Bloody Holly: opening act for Carrie's prom. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Dung Shopping: The guy responsible for most crappy imports from China. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

George Bailout: The real rescuer of Bedford Falls Building & Loan. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Thomas Jefferson Airplane: "I own somebody to love." (Kevin Dopart)

Frederic Show-Pan: His concert got dreadful reviews. (Brendan Beary)

John Wayne Hobbit: A manlike creature, but very short. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)

Olivia Newton John Locke: Philosopher-singer famous for "Let's Get Metaphysical." (Chris Doyle)

Polyester Mather: A minister who appealed to the common, practical man; he died at 97 with nary a wrinkle. (Mae Scanlan)

Auntie M: "For many years now, Elvira Gulch, I've secretly wanted to coat your bicycle handlebars with an odorless, colorless, but quite deadly toxin I mix up in my butter churn." (Christopher Lamora)

Immodest Moussorgsky: Everyone's talking about the pictures at his exhibition. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Snarl Sandburg: "The fog comes on bleepin' cat feet." (Kevin Dopart)

Warren Buffeted: Now he's only ludicrously rich. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

Chairman Ow: The Marquis de Sade. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Ennui Ford: Inventor of the Model Eh. "Quality is Job Five-ish." (Jon Graft, Centreville)

Chef and Dough Bridges: Stars of "The Fabulous Boy Bakers." (Chris Doyle)

Laura Ingalls Wildest: Author of "Best Little Whorehouse on the Prairie." (Lennie Magida, Potomac)

Julius Sneezer: "Achoo, Brute?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Halle BlackBerry: "omg i won oscar!!! but ick adrien brody kist me! y cudnt itv ben adam brody he so cute" (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.)

Keith Burban: A country singer who is definitely not going to rehab. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

LeCher: Drag queen popular with dirty old Frenchmen. (Kevin Dopart)

Samuel Clemency: Author of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Courtroom." (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Michael Shirtoff: DHS official in charge of strip-searches. (Chris Doyle)

Roy Scheiderfreude: "I think this boat is EXACTLY the right size for you to go shark-hunting in." (Christopher Lamora)

Booger T. Washington: Class clown at the Tuskegee Institute. (Chris Doyle)

Martha Stew Art: Portraits created entirely from boeuf bourguignon and coq au vin. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

Halle Beary: Hey, I can dream, can't I? (Brendan Beary)

Keira Nightly: Hey, I can dream some more, can't I? (Brendan Beary)

Nikita Cruisechef: Volga boatman and galley cook. (Chris Doyle)

A-Rod Blagojevich -- Former Cubs slugger once offered to Washington for a Senator to be named later. (Gary A. Clements, Bethesda, a First Offender)

And Last: Dick Butkus: Just leave him alone. He's suffered enough. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

Next Week: Be Resolute! or Can I Buy Avowal?