Week 798: Dead Letters

There ought to be a federal law
Against the death of Sammy Baugh.
The greatest Redskin that we knew
Was also D.C. through and through.
Though not a pol, he passed the test:
For he could sling it with the best.

It's our yearly contest they've been dying to do: This week: Write a humorous poem commemorating someone who died in 2008, as in the paean above, contributed as his is wont by Gene N. Weingarten of Washington. Lists of "deaths 2008" and the like abound online.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in yet another purging from the household of Patty Hardee of Flint Hill, Va., a square white plastic tissue box whose front side is the back of a diorama of a bathroom, including toilet, sink, mirror, hair dryer, electric shaver and mouthwash. But this is no ordinary bathroom-diorama tissue box! On this one, each little item has a little red button that, when pushed, makes the appropriate annoying noise.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 12. Put "Week 798" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Russell Beland; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Michael Turniansky.

Report from Week 794, in which we asked for headlines a la those in the satirical newspaper the Onion:

4. Image of Tortilla Mysteriously Appears on Statue of Virgin Mary (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.)

3. Palin Is Prime Cause of 3rd-Quarter Drop in U.S. Jaws, Analysts Say (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

2. the winner of the Che Guevara doll and "Nixon Now" campaign button:

'Liberal Elitist Press' Condemned by Ignorant Lowlife Redneck Hatemongers (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.)

And the Winner of the Inker

In Final Trip to Beijing, Bush Calls on Premier to 'Tear Down This Wall' (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Onion Dips: Honorable Mentions

Shoelace Collection Instantly Loses All Value When Only Other Collector Dies (Eric Murphy, McLean)

Rival Time Machine Makers Racing Back to Secure Earliest Patent (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Comedians Seek Bailout Until White Guy Elected President Again (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Sun Discovered to Have Earthlike Planet (Hugh Pullen, Vienna)

'Gave 110%' Passed Over Again by Cliche Hall of Fame (Art Grinath)

Huge Breakthrough in Stem Cell Research That You Wouldn't Understand (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Carlin Discovers Words You Can't Say in Heaven (Art Grinath)

Zimbabwe Prez Offers Blagojevich Asylum: 'He Already Knows How to Bleep the Bleeping People,' Mugabe Says (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

Citing Need for Haste, Obama to Complete First Hundred Days in Six Weeks (Russell Beland)

NAACP Updates Goal to 'Advancement of Negro People' (Russell Beland)

Washington Post Drops Print Edition in Favor of Weekly Text Message (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

McMansion Demolished to Make Room for Three McHovels (Mia Kim, Potomac, a First Offender)

Area Model Will Just Have Water for Now, Thanks (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Man Who Edged Woman for Chief Exec Post Hires Her as Secretary (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel (Bill Gee, Hunt Valley, Md.)

Steve Doocy's Upper Lip Missing (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Patrick Fitzgerald Investigates Allegations He's Too Good to Be True (Greg Sanders, Silver Spring)

Defeat of Prop 8 Somehow Fails to Save Troubled Marriage (Greg Sanders)

Mom's Forecast of Dishes Not Doing Themselves Proves Accurate (Marc Naimark, Paris)

Euro Disney Unveils Animatronic Hall of Inbred, Syphilitic Monarchs and Fascist Dictators (Charlie Wood, Falls Church)

Photo of Jesus Might Be a Hoax, Expert Claims (Charley Owens, La Plata)

Newspaper Industry Stakes Future on Monthly Obama Commemorative Editions (Eric Murphy)

'It's Not Like I Killed Somebody!' Simpson Complains of Sentence (John Folse, Bryans Road)

Obama Beats Up Chuck Norris (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

'Please Don't Hate Me Because I'm a Cat Person,' Michael Vick Pleads at Parole Hearing (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

Poultry Sales Again Show Unexplained November Spike (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Terrorist Group Protests Being Described as 'Activists' (Marc Naimark)

Blogger Believes Government Covering Something Up (Mike Hammer)

Warner Bros. Greenlights 'Saw 6: A Special Musical Christmas' (Philip Strub, McLean, a First Offender)

Woman Hospitalized After Son's Careless Sidewalk-Crack Stepping (Mike Hammer)

Mother Wants Store-Bought Gift for Once, Hides Craft Supplies (Jean Bonner, Chantilly, a First Offender)

Copy Editors Layed Off; Newsroom Operations Not Effected (Jeffrey Contompasis)

Global Markets Soar on News That 'All the Money Has Been Found' (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte)

Local Prison Doctor Delivers Lethal Injections With a Dose of Humor (Malcolm Fleschner)

Boy Didn't Really Stay Up All Night at Sleepover, Friends Say (Jean Sorensen)

Art World Reassessing Monet, Renoir After Scientists Prove 19th Century Actually Was Slightly Blurry (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

'You Can Achieve Anything You Set Your Mind To,' World's Second-Fastest Man Tells Kids (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.)

$tuuud P*illz Givs You Mega Stik, Study Finds (Michael Gips, Bethesda)

Study Finds 70 Percent of Teens Don't Consider 'Intercourse' Sex (Mike Hammer)

Next Week: Stimulate Us, or Raising Keynes