Week 797: Be Resolute!
Rod Blagojevic: Whisper!
Sure, you can go ahead and make your New Year's resolutions and then feel like a failure for 342 days or so. You deserve it! But why not spare yourself the guilt and make someone else's resolutions instead? This week: Make a humorous resolution for some particular person or institution to accomplish next year. This contest was suggested by Superloser Russell Beland, who resolves each year that the Empress will learn how to judge a humor contest.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this fabulous tabletop wine bottle holder in the shape of a flamingo, donated by not-yet-a-Loser Patty Hardee of Flint Hill, Va. You put the bottle of wine between the flamingo's legs as he/she sprawls on the table, perhaps from sampling your vino. It's one of the few cases in which someone looks more decorous when clutching a wine bottle between his legs.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 5. Put "Week 797" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett.
Report From Week 793, in which we marked the Empress's fifth anniversary of Empressing by inviting readers to enter any of the 65 previous contests, but the answers had to relate somehow to the number 5, or to the traditional fifth-anniversary gifts of silverware or wood.
4. Week 742, crossword puzzle clues:
RUNON: Now that it's Nov. 5, Mr. Nader, what will you do now? (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
3.Week 767, a question that a sentence in The Post might answer:
A. "Well, this is our last year here," Mrs. Bush, wearing a red Oscar de la Renta wool suit and pearl earrings, told reporters.
Q. "Do you really think it's okay for your husband to steal all that silverware from the White House?" (Roy Ashley, Washington)
2. Week 756, a subhead for a Post headline:
Four Armed Men Rob Pr. George's Bank, Police Say
Getaway Driver Said to Have Five Arms, but One Was in Sling (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)
And the Winner of the Inker
Week 726, a limerick featuring a word beginning with Cl- to Co-:
In seeking an honorable mention,
An old Roman's CLEVER invention
Failed to survive
Among the top V,
DeflVIIIing his hope IV aXtion.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac)
Wooden Nickels: Honorable Mentions
Week 726:
Way back in the Civil War days
'Twas decreed, and accepted with praise:
On the nickel we must
Feature "In God We Trust";
And that's what's called coining a phrase.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Week 728, a word containing the letter group S-A-T-R in any order:
Sextras: Actors at the end of the credits of a porn flick, like "Swinger #5." (John Bunyan, Cincinnati)
Week 729, a passage from The Post translated into "plain English":
Original: Medical and surgical residents in hospitals should work no more than 16 hours without taking a mandatory five-hour sleep break, and they should get one full day off a week and at least two back-to-back days off a month, a panel of experts at the Institute of Medicine recommended yesterday.
Plain English: Hospitals can work residents 138 hours per week all year. Now about your appendix . . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Week 734, rhyming couplets containing words that are anagrams of each other:
With REGARD to Ms. Palin, we watched her and weighed her,
And found her no smarter than any fifth-GRADER. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Week 736, questions for the Car Talk guys or Miss Manners:
I drive a large truck and I'm looking to increase my gas mileage by at least 5 mpg. Would it help if I had my wife tow it with her Prius? (Hugh Pullen, Vienna)
Week 739, untrue "facts" about political figures:
The freckles on Hillary Clinton's thigh form a perfect pentagram. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Week 746, a motto for a country:
North Korea: Will the last person to leave please switch off the lights? Ha ha, only joking. We don't let people leave, and anyway, we haven't had electric lights for five decades now. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Somalia: First in the Fifth World (Kevin Dopart)
Week 751, a play on the name of an existing or former TV show:
The Five Wives of Henry VIII: A PBS documentary that had to be cut back because "viewers like you" didn't contribute enough. (Russell Beland)
Week 759, the "foal" resulting from two actual horse names:
Etched + Big Truck = Knife the Mack (Kevin Dopart)
Close to the Vest + He's Sum Charmer = Five Card Stud (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney; Laurel Gainor, Great Falls)
Week 762, combining two words from dictionary page headings:
Maple-manual: Pronouncing "about" as "aboat" and other tips on acting Canadian. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 763, The "foal" resulting from two winning horse names from Week 759:
Hamburger Hamlet + $0$ = Washing Silverware (Roy Ashley)
Torah!Torah!Torah! + $0$ = FiveBucksOfMoses (Harvey Smith, McLean)
Week 764, Chuck Norris jokes:
Where does a five-hundred-pound gorilla sleep? Wherever Chuck Norris knocked him out. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)
At Chuck Norris's restaurant, the only thing on the menu is a five-knuckle sandwich. (Hugh Pullen)
Week 768, fictitious movie trivia:
Woody Harrelson can jump. He just can't hop or skip. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Week 769, portmanteau words:
Sequintuplets: The winning entry at last year's Twins and More Junior Pageant. (Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.)
Week 772, literature translated for "Los Angeles residents under 40":
Matthew 25:1-2: Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto town virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.
Under-40 version: No, no, no, no, no. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. (Chris Doyle)
Week 774, new restaurant dishes:
The John Cage Special: Place silverware and an empty plate in front of the diner; leave him for 4 1/2 minutes; give him the check. (Roy Ashley)
Week 780, how you know you're in a particular place:
You know you're in Detroit's Ford Field when someone calls out "nickel defense" and you realize someone's putting in an offer to buy half the team. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 781, change a word beginning with I through L by one letter:
Lumberjock: A male porn star. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Week 784, proverbs for 21st-century life:
If you want to succeed as a panhandler, don't ask people to "give me five." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Week 787, a word containing M-I-N-E in any order:
Pinemagnet: A bench warmer. (Tom Witte)
Next Week: Ripped Off From the Headlines, or Onion Ringers