Week 794: Ripped Off From the Headlines


Man With Apple Hovering in Front of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate (the Onion, Nov. 25)

As revealed in a recent cover story in The Washington Post Magazine, the editors of the Onion write the paper's headlines before writing the stories, or even knowing quite what they're going to be about. That won't come as a shock to regular Onion readers, since the headlines are often the funniest element of the consistently funny satirical paper, sometimes rendering the stories themselves almost anticlimactic.

The Onion not only spoofs the news of the day ("Black Guy Asks Nation for Change") but also glories in treating total non-news as headline news, usually in stories about the population of pathetic schmoes with whom the editors seem suspiciously well acquainted ("Woman Profoundly Moved by Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time or Effort Into"). And it does it in a perfect deadpan sendup of conventional print journalism -- we can only hope that there will be enough newspaper readers left to understand what the Onion is making fun of.

So how does the Onion come up with all these zingers week after week? It turns out that the staff -- a cadre of wickedly funny writers who might not fit everyone's description of "well adjusted" -- brainstorms wildly for days on end, generating hundreds of ideas, finally winnowing them down to a couple of dozen gems. Uh, not to hammer home any analogies, but . . . This week, Losers: Send us some Onion-type headlines. They can be on any subject, but they have to be funny on their own, without stories attached. They can't have been published somewhere else.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a combo of two prizes: a stuffed Che Guevara doll that was donated two years ago by 195-time Loser Roy Ashley of Washington and has been decorating the Empress's desk ever since; and a genuine 1972-vintage "Nixon Now" campaign button, courtesy of 18-time Loser Ed Gordon of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 15. Put "Week 794" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Roy Ashley; this week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Mike Ostapiej. John O'Byrne, all the way over in Dublin, suggested we do the Onion contest.

Report From Week 790, in which we asked you to tell us what would be different had some event not taken place.

We acknowledge that some of these effects might not withstand the most rigorous logic, so don't bother writing in to Free for All, The Post's weekly Page o' Niggling Rants.

4. If the chairs had been bolted down on the Titanic's deck, we would have been spared one overused cliche. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

3. If Watergate hadn't happened, reporters would be coining each new scandal "Something-pot Dome." (Larry Yungk, Arlington; Russell Beland, Fairfax)

2. the winner of the Potty Elmo: If newspapers hadn't been invented, we'd be shouting crossword puzzle answers at the town crier. (Stephen Langer, Chevy Chase)

And the Winner of the Inker

If Napoleon had been exiled to Egypt, instead of the palindrome "Able was I ere I saw Elba," we'd have "Zeus was I ere I saw Suez." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

What Might Has-Beens: Honorable Mentions

If Shakespeare hadn't written "Hamlet," an infinite number of monkeys would be looking for jobs. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

If Ralph Nader had not run for the presidency in 2000, Uday Hussein still would be the chief motivator of the Iraqi soccer team. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

If her father had owned a more down-market lodging chain, Paris Hilton might have been named Indianapolis Motel 6. She'd still be just as talented, though. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

If Noah hadn't been so OCD about getting two of every last animal, I'd be able to sit on my deck without lighting all those citronella torches. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

If God hadn't given the Ten Commandments to Moses, Judge Roy Moore would have been ordered to remove the statue of Baal from the courthouse. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

If Abraham Lincoln had not been assassinated, then Andrew Johnson would never have been president and, uh, well, lots would have changed. Like, instead of "Bush 41" and "Bush 43" we'd have had "Bush 40" and "Bush 42." (Zack and Russell Beland)

If Philo T. Farnsworth hadn't invented the TV, guys would have to sit on the couch all weekend reading the football newspapers. (Kevin Dopart)

If Herman Melville hadn't written "Omoo," countless crossword puzzle constructors would have been ruined and might have turned to a life of 34 Down: Illegal act. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

If Wham! hadn't come along, Andrew Ridgeley would be practically unknown today. (John Shea)

Had the Anglo-Saxons not named their goddess of spring Eostre, then that place in Polynesia with the big heads that look like John Kerry would be called Passover Island. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Had guns never been invented, the Washington Wizards would still be known as the Washington Poison-Tipped Arrows. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

If Eve had never tasted the apple, you'd be reading this naked. (David Garratt)

If Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented the telephone, Superman would have to change in port-a-potties. (Randy Lee, Burke)

If the endoscope had not been invented, we would have ended up relying completely on space aliens for anal probes. (Larry Yungk)

If McDonald's hadn't been founded, American cuisine would be unknown to the rest of the world. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

If the South had won the Civil War, Virginia would have named every school and road after a Southern general -- in other words, three more than there are now. (Larry Yungk)

If Hope and Crosby had never stopped making those "road" films together, well, it would be kind of creepy trying to make a movie with two dead stars. (Russell Beland)

If the Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Co. had not invented toilet paper in 1877, for the last 130 years pranksters would have had to litter front yards with corncobs. (Larry Yungk)

If The Style Invitational had never been created, I would have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked. (Ira Allen Ginsberg, Bethesda)

If Barack Hitler Obama hadn't changed his middle name, he might not have gotten elected. (Chuck Smith)

Next Week: The 1K Club, or Chains, Chains, Chains . . .