Week 789: Doctrine in the House?


The Cheney Doctrine: Shoot first and don't answer questions later.

The U.N. Doctrine: Stomp your foot, wag your finger, and hold your breath until you turn blue in the face.

Surely, Sarah Palin isn't the only government official who didn't have a clue what the Bush Doctrine was: We can't help wonder how the president himself would have responded to Charlie Gibson's quiz question (except that, yes, he agreed with it). Anyway, our latest Meteorically Rising Loser, the out-of-nowhere Mike Ostapiej of Tracy, Calif., suggests this week's contest: State a humorous, original "doctrine" for a person or other entity, as in Mike's examples above.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a brand-new Restop 2 Disposable Travel Toilet, found for us in the Canadian Rockies by Loser Steve Langer of Chevy Chase, not to be confused with Loser Steve Ettinger of Chevy Chase, even though we once did that very thing. The Restop 2 is basically a bag for one's solid waste (hence the 2), much like the delivery bags that make a Post subscription essential for Washington dog owners.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 10. Put "Week 789" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Russell Beland; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mae Scanlan; the title for those on washingtonpost.com is by Chris Doyle.

Report From Week 785, in which we sought humorous songs on the general theme of the campaign and election, set to a familiar tune.

In number of responses, Obama (or at least Not McCain-Palin) won in a landslide among the hundreds of entries; very few of the songs submitted would be warmly embraced by the GOP.

There were several bitterly passionate screeds that, while well crafted, didn't exactly fall into the "funny" category, such as the full-length "American Pie" parody about the Republican ruination of our nation whose refrain was "This'll be the way we all fry."

3. (To"With a Little Help From My Friends")

How can I get you to give me your vote,
To elect John McCain, GOP?
Tell you I'll fight? Or proclaim that I'm right?
No, I think that this phrase is the key:
Oh, I will constantly call you "my friends."
Yes, I will never stop saying "my friends."
I will relentlessly utter "My friends."
(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

2. the winner of the genuine German polka LP and musical-motif pencils:

(To the theme from "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Come and listen to my story 'bout John McCain,
Senate maverick barely floatin' his campaign.
He couldn't use a running mate with credibility,
So he went for youth and sex and selected Sarah P.
Palin, that is. Pit bull. Hockey mom.
Well, the bump in the polls was lookin' pretty big,
But was Palin pushin' change or puttin' lipstick on a pig?
They kept her under wraps, wouldn't let her on TV
Till she finally sat down to have a chat with Katie C.
Couric, that is. Gotcha girl. Media e-lite.
And now the voters are questioning the judgment of McCain
As Palin speaks in tongues that commentators can't explain.
And if those two thought it was as bad as it could be,
They don't have a clue to fix our e-conomy.
(John Bunyan, Cincinnati)

And the Winner of the Inker

(To "Downtown")

Why do the polls and pundits
Say that Obama's gonna win the race?
Dow Jones!
Why are McCain and Palin
Finding it tough to make a winning case?
Dow Jones!
While John McCain is talking tough and Sarah Palin's winking,
We wring our hands while every day the Dow just keeps on sinking.
Where will it end?
McCain talks of William Ayers,
But with the stock market crashing,
Now who really cares?
Cause it's Dow Jones we really care about.
Dow Jones cleaning our savings out.
Dow Jones! Look at my 401(k).
(Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean)

More Campainful Contributions: Honorable Mentions

(To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Sarah, the red-state mav'rick
Likes to wrinkle up her nose.
When Katie Couric quizzed her,
You could almost say she froze.
Sarah's a hockey mama,
Likes to hunt and shoot big game,
She'd like to bag Obama
With his non-Joe-Sixpack name.
'Twas upon a summer's day
John McCain did say:
Sarah, with your right-wing views,
Run with me, and we can't lose!
But should we fail, doggone it,
And the votes don't go our way,
You're sure to find employment
Impersonating Tina Fey.
(Sandra Segal, Rockville)

(To "There's No Business Like Show Business")

There's no scheming like their scheming,
There's no place they won't go.
If you've been foreclosed out of your dwelling
'Cause you couldn't pay your mortgage note,
You will see the dirty-tricksters kvelling
As they are telling you not to vote.
There's no scheming like their scheming,
There's no game they won't throw.
Lawyers salivating at the courthouse door,
So reminiscent of Bush v. Gore.
And will the deciding vote be 5 to 4?
Let's go on with the show!
(Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike)

(To "Oklahoma")

Baraaaaack Obama, who throws all his friends beneath the bus.
Take the Rev'rend Wright, now out of sight, and
Barack says he never heard him cuss!
Ba-raaaaack Obama, talking of his past is indiscreet.
'Bout that guy Bill Ayers, he says, "Who cares?
Oh, he's just some guy from down the street."
He says he will lead us to change,
But the way he will do that seems strange.
For when he says . . . "Who? I never talked to youuuuu,"
We're only sayin':
We knew you before you were running.
Yes, you knew us, it's true.
(George Vary, Bethesda)

(To "Clementine")

I was dyin' and a-cryin'
When they said my grave would be
The expressway called Dan Ryan
In the town where thugs go free.
Though I hate the trucks atop me
On their way to Terre Haute,
On the bright side -- it's Chicago,
So I'm still allowed to vote. -- Jimmy Hoffa, Undisclosed Location
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

(To "The Rain in Spain")

An Arab name, quite plainly, will inflame
The folks who mainly need someone to blame.
So what is "that one's" middle name?
It's Hussein! It's Hussein!
And who'll save us from this bane?
McCain! McCain! . . .
(Nick Curtis, Alexandria)

A Coarse Line (To "One")

"That one," that Democrat sensation,
Wants to bump the rich tax rate.
That one, black/Caucasian combination:
Let's try to stir up some hate!
"That one's connected to terrorists" just might do;
"You know McCain but, Obama, just who are you?"
That one . . . voting for more spending,
Who votes for pork more than the rest?
If you suckers haven't guessed: That one, son!
Ooh, my, ratchet up the tension!
When I smile and point and mention
He's that one.
(John Bunyan)

(To "Drive My Car")

I asked that gal what she wanted to be;
She said, "Johnny-boy, let me see.
Been a mayor, a gov'nor, a beauty queen;
I want a new gig that'll shake up the scene.
Choose me for your running mate,
The right wing will all vote that slate.
I'll dodge and wink through the debate,
And, baby, they'll love me."
Veep-veep, your veep-veep: Yeah!
(Nick Curtis)

(To"Barbara Ann")

McCain's pretty bland, I'm no Obama fan,
So you can understand why I'm happy Bob Barr ran.
Bob Barr ran, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Barr ran . . .
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

See many more parodies online -- each with a link to an interesting performance of the original song (the Empress is partial to a Muppet performance of "Carolina in the Morning") -- at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.

Next Week: Top of the Staake, or Snorts Illustrated

Parodies Lost: More Honorable Mentions From Week 785 of The Style Invitational

To "Carolina in the Morning"

Nothin' am I dreadin' more than Palin to be headin' up the White House,
At 3 o'clock one morning when the red phone sounds a warning in the White House.
When there comes a crisis loomin' far and wide,
Citizens, my advice is: Head for the hills and hide!
Nothin' can alarm me more than Palin callin' Army groups to service,
Fiddlin' with her bonhomie while runnin' the economy? I'm nervous.
If I had a ticket for a trip to St. Lo,
I'm thinkin' now's the right time to go,
'Cause nothin's apt to scare a body more than seein' Palin' in the White House.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

To "Come On-a My House"

Obamessiah, messi-i-ah, he's a gonna stop-a the climate change!
Obamessiah, messi-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you
Health care for free,
And he'll part the Red Sea! Eh?
Obamessiah, gives terrorists rights!
Obamessiah, his pastor hates whites!
Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you
Invade Pakistan,
And have coffee with Iran! Eh?
Obamessiah, he'll soak-a the rich!
Obamessiah, his wife is a [lawyer]!
Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you tax cut, too!
Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give you everything!
(Michael Fransella, Arlington)

To "Seven and a Half Cents" from "The Pajama Game"

We figured it out, we figured it out.
With Warren Buffett and Hank Paulson, we figured it out!
Seven hundred billion bucks doesn't buy a heck of a lot,
Seven hundred billion bucks doesn't mean a thing.
But give it to some Wall Street sharks,
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,
And we can borrow all of it from folks in old Beijing!
We figured it out.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

To "Doin' What Comes Natur'lly"

I'm a mav'rick hockey mom,
Golly, gosh, you betcha.
I'm as backwoods as can be
Speakin' ungrammatically.
Nouns and verbs and all that stuff,
I mix them up no matter.
I just wink and drop a G,
Speakin' ungrammatically.
You don't have to have a Georgetown home
To be sure that Putin is a threat to Nome.
You don't have to be a city gal
To know Bin Laden is Obama's pal.
That comes naturally!
The stories from Wasilla
Set all the pundits loose.
But it's no big megillah
If a gal can dress a moose.
I don't know how high I'll go
But there's one thing I'm sure of:
Anywhere I go I'll be
Speakin' ungrammatically!
(Andy Pike and Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

To "Shall We Dance?"

Shall we dance?
When the questions are thrown in, hard and high?
Shall we dance? Shall we dryly dissemble, but not lie?
Look askance at my worthy opponent, to imply:
I can't prove his proposal is a bargain with the Devil,
But can we really take that chance?
Can we stage this debate while never answering a question?
Shall we dance, shall we dance, shall we dance?
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

To "The Girl That I Marry"

The gal that I run with will have to be
A doll of right-wing Christianity.
Joe Six-Pack she'll seduce:
She'll wear lipstick and peep-toes and field-dress a moose.
She won't answer questions while on the air,
'Cause Charlie and Katie and Gwen ain't fair.
While she's flirtin', we'll stop hurtin'.
Folks won't notice the issues she's skirtin'.
A gun-totin' mama will help beat Obama with me.
(Jane Pacelli, Annandale, a First Offender)

To "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

"Any mud you can sling I can throw harder."
"I can sling any mud harder than you."
"William Ayers!" "Keating Five!"
"Reverend Wright!" "Keating Five!"
"William Ayers! Reverend Wright!" "Keating Five!" . . .
"I can fight a war now!"
"I can help the poor now!"
"I can bail out Freddie!"
"I can show I'm steady!"
"I can do most anything!"
"Can we fix the Dow?
"Uh, we don't know how . . ."
(Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike)

To "Always"

He's the man to beat: that one.
Known to be elite, that one.
Ready to harass greedy corp'rate brass,
Help the middle class: that one, that one.
Should he be your choice, that one,
Many will rejoice for that one.
Break some new terrain,
Hope aboard the train,
Not for John McCain,
But that one.
(Mae Scanlan)

To "The Band Played On" sung by Gov. Sarah Palin

I'm gonna win 'cause I've managed to spin that I'm just -- like -- you;
I chat with my neighbor, I go into labor, I'm just like you;
I'm so darn plebeian, I'm picturin' me an' you huntin' and hoistin' a few.
Don't go for the pearl, I'm your ornery girl and I'm just like you.
My values are flawless, I'm just a bit lawless, I'm just like you;
I don't like elitists, hey we are red-meatists! I'm just like you;
I'm not hoity-toity, I fight down and doity, my bloodlines are red 'stead of blue;
So give me your vote and I'll paddle your boat 'cause I'm just like you!
(Mae Scanlan)

To "MacNamara's Band"

Oh, our names are Mac and Sarah, we're the leaders of a brand
They call the Grand Old Party, and a change is close at hand.
The country is in trouble, and we face a coming storm,
So vote for trusted mavericks who'll bring about reform.
Oh, we'll make Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan all free.
We'll shrink the debt as taxes get as low as they can be.
A hockey mom and Navy man will soon be in command.
Republicans will rule the land with Mac and Sarah's brand!
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

To "Heads Carolina, Tails California"

Buddy, what do you say you join my cause?
You're an independent, gotta stop with the hems and haws.
Hey you people in Boston
And you ladies there in Des Moines.
You'll be choosing a leader,
So please don't flip a coin.
Red Carolina, blue California.
He's someone scary, I gotta warn ya.
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean,
Voters are showin' me their devotion.
Let's come together, we'll turn a corner.
Red Carolina, blue California.
(Chris Doyle)

To "It Had To Be You"

So where is Baku?
I haven't a clue.
I tried to ask God
(I couldn't find Todd,
He's in an igloo).
I have to get through
This ghastly debut.
I can't show the strain
Of having no brain,
Far less a worldview.
But who needs to think?
Rely on your wink!
I'll turn on the charm,
Deflect and disarm,
While turning the screw.
Campaigning with John's been such a thrill,
So full of pep -- what a strong will
For 72! Now we're all through,
We're planning a coup . . .
(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)

To "Yesterday"

"Yes" today.
Then tomorrow it's "No way, José!"
Pay no mind to anything I say --
I'll waffle till you vote my way . . .
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

To the theme from "Rawhide"

Palin! Palin! Palin!
Though your ticket's trailin',
Don't you think of bailin':
Tell lies!
Tell all that gosh darn media,
"I'm too cute ta need ya!"
Defeat don't have to mean your demise.
In four years you can pick it,
The place atop the ticket.
Try again, without the old guy.
Troopergate? It can wait!
Party hacks -- Don't need facts!
Don't you stop! Flip and flop!
Tell lies!
(Cy Gardner, Arlington)

To "Oklahoma"

Hey, Joe Sixpack, when the feds come sweepin' down your street
Here to take your gun, well, they've just begun
And the lib'ral press, they think it's neat!
Hey, Joe Sixpack, then they'll come into your daughter's school,
Make her take a pill against her will
And the media will think it's cool.
We know how to plunder the land
So we drill, baby, drill, ain't it grand?
And when we say: Keep those liberals awaaaay!
I'm only sayin'
You'll be okay, Joey Sixpack!
Vote for Palin today.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

To "Hot Stuff," sung by Hillary Clinton

Sittin' here wearin' my pantsuit, waitin',
Waitin' for Obama to call.
Guess he hasn't seen my numbers lately,
Hope he don't expect me to crawl.
Gonna have a big huff maybe this evenin',
I mean a big huff maybe tonight.
After that big huff, baby, I'm leavin.'
VP or a big huff,
VP or I'm leavin' tonight.
(Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

To "Eleanor Rigby"

Ah, look at all the Congress people . . .
Nancy Pelosi calls for a vote in the House where she thought she could lead:
Didn't succeed.
Calls an extension, twisting some arms she might sway as she goes to the floor.
Should have done more.
All the Congress people,
Why are they all so dumb?
All the Congress people,
Pledge change that doesn't come
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

To " The Rain in Spain"

It's plain McCain won't deign to talk to Spain.
(He's so erratic, undiplomatic.)
McCain's inanely run a lame campaign.
Now, what's McCain disdain?
It's Spain! It's Spain!
And where's McCain's campaign?
Down the drain! Down the drain! . . .
(Chris Doyle)

To "Okie From Muskogee"

I'm proud to be a drilla from Wasilla,
A town where folks don't mind the land we spoil.
We all welcome Exxon at the courthouse.
And the biggest thrill is spillin' ANWR oil. . . .
(Chris Doyle)

To "Rock Around the Clock"

Take the gloves off, John, and join the fun
With a hockey mom -- load and lock your gun.
We're gonna mock Barack for bein' tight
With his nasty pastor, Reverend Wright.
We're gonna knock, gonna knock Barack around tonight.
Hey, let's call him by his middle name,
Bring up Fannie Mae, say that he's to blame.
We gotta make the voters understan'
That Barack is such a dangerous man.
He'll desert Iraq, wave the white flag at Iran.
Only three more days to November 4.
We've been slingin' mud, gonna sling some more.
We gotta keep on knockin' round the clock,
We gotta keep it up or face the shock
Of a Democratic prez who's named Barack.
(Chris Doyle)