Week 788: The Back End of a Bulwer


In the pitch black, James pondered his inescapable fate, plummeting to the bottom of an elevator shaft sans elevator, with a sense of calm, knowing that despite the lack of any reprise, the author had already sold the movie rights to the sequel.

This year the annual Bulwer-Lytton contest-- for a badly written opening to a novel -- was won by a Garrison Spik of the District. The Invitational ripped off this contest directly back in 2002, and since then several readers, most notably rookie Loser Marc Boysworth of Burke (whose example is above), have suggested the obvious twist. This week: Give us a comically terrible ending of a novel. Seventy-five words tops, but brevity in the name of wit will not be scorned.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a car antenna ornament of "Booger Boy," a spike-haired kid picking his nose, donated by 399-time Loser Kevin Dopart. What a lovely complement to a few Loser Magnets stuck to a trunk lid.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 3. Put "Week 788" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by John O'Byrne.

Report From Week 784, in which we sought proverbs for the 21st century, either updates of classic maxims or brand-new nuggets of wisdom.

Just after we announced this contest, the market collapsed.

4. A man who wears suits double-breasted in woman's breasts has never rested. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

3. If you put lipstick on a pit bull, prepare to be bitten. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

2. the winner of the blinking, noisy frog and dolphin pens:

Don't cry over spilt milk. Unless it spilt on your BlackBerry. (Brian Cohen, Potomac)

And the Winner of the Inker

If you are in financial stew,
Think "What would
Warren Buffett do?"
But if your stocks are
stone-cold dead,
Take Jimmy Buffett's
lead instead.
(Mike Dailey, Centreville)

A Few More Grins of Truth: Honorable Mentions

If you are in the public spotlight, try not to look like Tina Fey. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A download a day brings the RIAA. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)

Do not dwell in too big a house, or you will soon be lying down in green pastures. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably Gilbert Gottfried. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.)

A penny saved is better than a penny invested. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

LOL & all LOL 2; cry & u cry solo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Better to light a candle than curse that #@$! end table my wife HAD to get that is totally out of place in the living room that I hit my calf on EVERY time I pass it on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)

Five hundred thirty-five fools and my money are soon united.
(Michael Fransella, Arlington)

Delete every cookie
To hide on-line nooky.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

There's no free lunch in Washington -- unless you can eat it with toothpicks. (Kevin Dopart)

The quickest way to drive your friends and colleagues up a wall:
When answering an e-mail, always use "Reply to All." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

You'll have to work till you're 83
If all your stock is in AIG. (Mike Dailey)

When gridlocked in traffic, and forced there to linger,
De-stress and give rest to your poor middle finger. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

If you can read and think and spell,
The daily Post will serve you well.
If you can't spell or think or read,
Perhaps a blog is more your speed. (Brendan Beary)

Be moderate in all your urges;
Let your binges match your purges. (Brendan Beary)

Bars and bras both beckon guys
When their cups are supersize. (Kevin Dopart)

Never put off till later what you can BlackBerry from your bathroom now. (Kevin Dopart)

Don't obsess over your shortcomings; that's your mate's job. (Bob Reichenbach, Philadelphia, a First Offender)

May we never miss W. (G. Smith, New York)

"American Idol" idles Americans. (Mike Ostapiej)

Foolish are you, male or female,
If you reply to Nigerian e-mail. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Make not a password of simple design
Lest your account balance transfers to mine. (Andrea Kelly)

When you lie down with dogs, make sure there are no photographers nearby. (Chuck Smith)

Congressmen are known by the companies that keep them. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

If you push the envelope, sometimes things get sticky. (Chuck Smith)

If booze you use for life's escapes, the dawn will bring the wrath of grapes. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)

Honor thy mother, her boyfriend, thy father and his third wife. That second wife was just nuts -- forget about her. (Jon Graft, Centreville)

It matters not if you win or lose: It's endorsements, baby! (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

The meek shall inherit the earth, after the executor of the estate pays an estate tax equal to a maximum of 45 percent (in 2008, or 55 percent in 2011 plus a 5 percent bubble in some cases) of the amount by which the taxable estate (including the earth) exceeds the applicable exclusion amount within nine months of the date of death . . . (Jon Graft, Esq.)

Next Week: The Ballad Box, or I Sing the Body Electorate