Week 786: Top of the Staake


Though he's been slumming lately with yet another New Yorker cover (no, it's not the Obama as Osama one), Almost Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake wants to remind us he can still produce sophisticated, thought-provoking work. So get your thoughts provoked for No. Umpteen of our cartoon caption contest.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Mental Block, a circular block-thing that pulls apart into various configurations, revealing various platitudes about the value of teamwork. If you had several people pulling together, for example, they could yank this baby apart in two seconds. Donated by Loser Nonpareil Russell Beland.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 20. Put "Week 786" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte and Chris Doyle. The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte.

Report From Week 782, in which we gave a list of people and other things and asked you to explain why any of them would be qualified to be president of the United States, or why any two of them would make a good ticket.

As you'll see, a lot of the explanations are frankly an absurd stretch. Well . . .

Frequently noted: The rock doesn't change its position every time the wind changes, and that Sweeney Todd and Britney Spears's hairstylist would both be good at making drastic cuts.

4. Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports": People won't mind watching him screw up the same way, over and over again. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax, a First Offender)

3. Benedict Arnold: Hey, he's really only flip-flopped on one issue. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

2. the winner o f the McCain and Obama gargoyle statuettes:

The Firefox browser: If the stock market ever crashed, we could simply restore the previous session. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Benedict Arnold: Now here's a candidate who has really fought for change in American government! (Rick Wood, Falls Church)

Dork Horses: Honorable Mentions

A moss-covered rock:

Though he presents a tough exterior, time has smoothed his rough edges. And he's a firm supporter of the environment (or firmly supported by the environment). (Alli Peterson, Newark, Del., a First Offender; and thanks to all the students at the Charter School of Wilmington who've been entering the Invitational week after week)

At least we'll know which direction we're headed. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax; Meredith Brown, Wilmington, Del. -- a First Offender)

Moss Rock is solid in times of crisis, he's clearly the true environmental candidate, and his campaign anthem is one of the best songs ever written. -- B. Seger (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

A dish of tapioca pudding: With the coming depression, who better to serve on America's bread lines? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Ex-president James Buchanan:

You're not going to find any skeletons in Buchanan's closet. Aside from Buchanan, that is. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Not only does he not get involved in other countries' imminent civil wars, he doesn't get involved in our own. (Bryan Crain)

He won't be having any sordid affairs with nubile young women! (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Krusty the Clown: Who better to follow eight years of Bozo? (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

Bert from "Sesame Street":

Orientation aside, his monogamy is impressive -- 39 years with the same partner. (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy)

It's time, after all these years, to have a man of letters in the White House. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Although he is from outside the Beltway, he somewhat resembles the Washington Monument. (Dan Colilla, Washington, Pa.)

The Orange Line train from New Carrollton: It'll repeat the same messages to the same audience every day and they'll still come back for more! (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports":

He's arguably the world's greatest roll model. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

He's a down-to-earth kind of guy. (Ed Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

Benedict Arnold: He's shown great flexibility in adjusting his views to reflect changing political realities -- and he's provided useful assistance to our oldest and staunchest ally in the Global War on Terror. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.)

Emily Litella:

Because, deep down, most of us would be kind of curious to see flea erections. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Because she asks the questions we need to hear, like: "What's all this we hear about parasailin' being good for vice president? Sure, hanging from a kite and being dragged by a boat may be fun, but is it prudent?" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

She's opposed to the whore in Iraq and our young soldiers being maimed by exploding IUDs. Why are we sending our troops to an Iraqi whore anyway? What's wrong with American whores? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Sweeney Todd: No rubber chicken at HIS fund-raising banquets! (Peter Metrinko)

Britney Spears's hairstylist:

Sure, he blows a lot of hot air, but I'll bet he's pretty knowledgeable about domestic affairs. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Managing the budget of a country with a huge deficit will be no problem for this candidate: He's used to doing a lot with nothing. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

A true populist: He'll give the top half and the bottom half the same treatment. (Jay Shuck)

Cartman: When mortgages fail and countless families declare bankruptcy, we will want a leader capable of jumping at least three homeless people at once. (Sean Dolan, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender)

A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart:

Because it's time for a new bag of carp in the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Vote Goldfish: You know he's in the tank for you. (Bruce Alter)

Chuck Smith of Woodbridge:

Look at his success in foreign policy: He's already had a Czar and an Empress wrapped around his finger. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)

I can see Dale City from my house. As for foreign relations, I've traveled to Mexico, specifically Cancun, and experienced a bad hangover on the plane ride back. I've often been quoted in The Washington Post. I am an expert on natural gas, as I am lactose-intolerant. I have been drug-free for many years, more if you don't count stool softeners. I am no stranger to torture, as I have attended a Celine Dion concert. Court records of my teenage years are sealed. And I once sold something on eBay. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

TICKETS

Tapioca pudding/goldfish: One is old-fashioned, plain, lumpy, pasty and white, the other new and unknown, with limited experience swimming in a small pond, suddenly thrust out in the world in a goldfish bowl, unable to hide. Just right for the GOP. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati)

Moss-covered rock/Benedict Arnold: Both the rock -- it's no rolling stone -- and Benedict Arnold take a firm anti-revolution stance. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Goldfish/Bert: As Sarah Palin reminds us, "We must not blink." Here are two candidates who never will! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Steve Offutt, Arlington; Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Benedict Arnold/James Buchanan: Our counterintelligence efforts will vastly improve under two people who know what it's like to play for the other team. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.)

Goldfish/Chuck Smith: The 49-cent goldfish, you have to wonder if there's a lot a life left in it, and Smith constantly gets his name in the paper for saying silly things. Not the most endearing "qualities" per se, but that doesn't seem to matter. (Christopher Lamora; Brian Cohen, Potomac)

Next Week: The Shill Game, or Sellebrities