Week 785: The Ballad Box


The results of this week's contest will run, as usual, four weeks from now. And that happens to be the weekend before Election Day. So here's our chance to do a contest that several readers have requested: This week: Write a short, humorous song somehow relating to the presidential campaign, set to a familiar tune. The longer the parody, the better it ought to be; one-verse songs tend to get the most ink, though we've had some fabulous longer ones as well.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a music-themed package of a genuine German LP record of polka music with very comical musicians pictured on the jacket (donated by Elden Carnahan) and a set of colorful pencils and pens bent into the shapes of pianos, treble clefs, etc. (from Dave Prevar). We knew graphite was soft, but we didn't know you could tie it in knots.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 13. Put "Week 785" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia.

Report From Week 781, our continually requested contest in which you change an existing word by one letter, or transpose two adjacent letters, and define the result.

This time the Empress required entrants to start with words beginning with I, J, K or L, but allowed proper names and multi-word terms. As usual, she was buried up to her diadem in thousands of entries, including far more good ones than we have the space to print, and -- trust us on this -- far more than you could possibly enjoy reading in one sitting.

5. Impasta: Franco-American spaghetti. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

4. Krisp Kringle: The sad result of a Christmas Eve chimney fire. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

3. Skilljoy: The would-be friend who's a bit better than you at everything. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

2. the winner of the Virginity Soap and Placenta Soap from Oman:

IOUprofen : The Fed's current drug of choice. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

And the Winner of the Inker

Nee Jerk: A bride who instantly agreed to take her husband's name. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Just Relex: Honorable Mentions

Joint Chiefs of Stuff: They're the big guys at the Pentagon, I believe? -- S.P., Wasilla (Chris Doyle)

Ididarod: Madonna, bragging? (Mike Inman, Lewes, Del., a First Offender)

Igloot: Cold, hard cash. (Marc Channick, San Diego)

Iglop: What's left of an Eskimo's home after global warming. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Pigloo: A British men's room. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Ignoramusk: Axe Body Wash. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Ikebanal: A flower arrangement in a smiley-face motif. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Imbib: To overdose on baby formula. (Christopher Lamora)

Immensa: Massively intelligent. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Immolatte: The highest steam setting on a cappuccino machine. (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y., a First Offender)

Immuteable: Billy Mays, Rosie O'Donnell and the Aflac duck. (Barry Koch)

Impants: Male augmentation surgery. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.)

Impromptux: The bowtie's a black sock, the cummerbund's one of Mom's scarves, and your date is going to kill you. (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton)

Limpostor: Someone who borrows a car with a handicapped license plate. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Incommunicad: Most any guy, during the game. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Inconvenient troth: Dang! Abstinence fails ONE TIME and I've got to marry her. -- Levi J., Wasilla, Alaska (Jon Graft, Centreville)

In locko parentis: Grounded. (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg)

Innuendow: The implication that the size of one's hands and feet correspond to other appendages. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Insulatte: The little cardboard sleeve around the coffee cup. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Internal Revenude Service: Stripping Americans of their assets since 1862. (Jon Graft)

Istanbull: Genocide? What genocide? (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy)

Jabberhocky: An answer from Sarah Palin. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Jackash: Someone who flicks cigarette butts out the window. (Mike Inman)

Jack-of-all-tirades: The guy who sends a different rant every week to the Free for All page. (Chris Doyle)

Jailhouse layer: A person you don't want as your cellmate. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Jalapeon: A receptionist whose only skill is that she is totally hot. (Russ Taylor)

Jehovah's Wetness: Baptism. (Chris Doyle)

John Bitch Society: A group formed just to whine and complain about communism. (Russell Beland)

Jolly Roget: Pirate flag, banner, ensign, jack, oriflamme, pennant, streamer . . . (Aron Pollack, Atlanta, a First Offender)

Jury dullification: What got O.J Simpson off. (Chris Doyle)

Latrina: The smelly mess left behind by a hurricane. (Beverley Sharp)

Kerry Blue Perrier: Let's just put it out there as the name of his dog. -- K. Rove, Washington (Chris Doyle)

Kindergarter: First there were thongs for 7-year-olds, and now this? (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Kitschen: Gingham curtains, with matching dish towels, tablecloth and tea cozy. (George Vary, Bethesda)

Knewledge: All that stuff you've forgotten. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

Krapton: Ignoble gas. (Lars-Erik Wiberg , Rockport, Mass.)

Laddie, sin waiting (ladies-in-waiting): Sign over a Scottish brothel. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

Flaborious: Describing a task made more difficult because of those extra pounds you're carrying; e.g., sitting down in an airplane. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Laissez-Favre: An NFL ruling that allows a quarterback to play wherever he pleases, even after retirement. (William Bradford, Washington)

Laissez-fairy: A magical creature who makes taxes disappear with her invisible hand. (Aron Pollack)

Glance corporal: But don't tell. (Kevin Dopart)

Larger-than-wife: How a husband prudently describes other women. (Chris Doyle)

Alas Vegas: What happened there didn't stay there. (Chris Doyle)

Slaxative: An ill-advised method for making your pants fit better. (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte, N.C., a First Offender)

Layabot: A Roomba that stops vacuuming to watch soap operas. (Tom Witte)

Blazy Susan: Joan of Arc's little-known sister. (Peter Metrinko)

Lepidopera: "Madama Butterfly." (Frank Yuen)

Loingerie : Tarzan's underwear. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Blipstick: A momentary distraction from serious political discussion. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

Slobotomize: To turn an Oscar Madison into a Felix Unger. (John Shea)

Glockbox: Sarah Palin's got your Social Security trust fund right here! (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Oquacious: Especially vocal at the height of passion. (Tom Witte)

Dumbago: Back pain from driving your RV for five hours with a whiskey bottle in your back pocket. (Kevin Dopart)

And Last: Jestam: Entries tossed by the Empress. (Tom Witte )

Next Week: That's the Ticket, or Ruining Mates