Week 784: Words to The Wiseacres


Running red lights, scofflaw delights. Enforcement pix, his butt's in a fix.

Quickly to bed, quickly to rise:
That's how Viagra works for old guys.

Secretions have no secrets.

Self-help guides have been around a long time. "The Wisdom of Amenhotep" was a hot seller in Egyptian scrollstores around 1500 B.C., and the Old Testament's Book of Proverbs dates from sometime in the thousand years after that. (The Empress's favorite, 26:11: "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." What, you thought dogs weren't as gross back then as they are now?) Ben Franklin presented wonderfully pithy versions of much of the same advice in his Poor Richard's Almanacs (e.g., "Make haste slowly"). And Loserphenom Kevin Dopart suggests we carry on the tradition. This week: Give us some proverbs for 21st-century life, as in Kevin's examples above. We're not looking for cynical takes on syrupy platitudes; we already did that contest at least once. And if some procrastinating pastors find something to rip off for their next day's sermons, we ask only that they give us credit.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a set of frog and dolphin pens that are, we admit, far too nice for an Invitational prize: Push a button and they make frog and dolphin noises (respectively) AND flash red lights. We are sure that they will be especially welcome in Catholic school classrooms. Donated ages ago by Dave Prevar of Annapolis.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 6. Put "Week 784" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mike Ostapiej of Tracy, Calif.

Report from Week 780, in which we asked for jokes about places, of the classic "You know you're in . . ." type.

Needless to say, some entrants took an expansive view of what constitutes a "place." We didn't mind.

4. You know you've arrived in Los Angeles when everybody is better looking than you are, even the person playing "2nd Ugly Guy" in the movie they're shooting across the street. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

3. You know you're in Rome when everybody seems to be doing the same thing. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

2. the winner of the "Democrat" and "Republican" dog bandannas:

You know you're in New Jersey when you've been there for two days and haven't heard a joke about New Jersey. (Brian Cohen, Potomac )

And the Winner of the Inker

You know you're in Missouri when you see a sign that reads, "Welcome to Missouri." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Atlas Shrugged: Honorable Mentions

You know you're in Gaithersburg when a sign in a restaurant window says "We Speak English." (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)

You know you're on I-95 when going from Connecticut to New Hampshire covers 140 miles and takes 2 1/2 hours. You know you're on I-495 when going from Connecticut to New Hampshire covers five miles. And takes 2 1/2 hours. (Brendan Beary)

If you walk into a restaurant decorated with boomerangs and order a pint of Foster's and some prawns on the barbie, you're definitely in one of those fake Australian pubs in the States, mate. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

You know you're in Key West when everyone in the bar knows the words to "Coconut Telegraph" except for Jimmy Buffett, who happens to be singing it. (Ed Gordon, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.)

If there are 19,000 people here, and all but three of them are white, and the remaining three are always on TV, it must be the Republican National Convention. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

You know you're in Zimbabwe when the toilet paper holders dispense local currency. (John Flynn, Olney)

You know you're in Wasilla when the diner's most popular dish is Wholesome Small- Town Arms-Bearing God-Fearing Heterosexual Mooseburger. And that's on the kids' menu. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

You know you're in New York when a violinist playing the Bach Passacaglia in the subway is ignored -- because of faulty intonation in the second movement. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

You know you're in the William J. Clinton Presidential Library because all the books are in brown paper wrappers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

You know you're in Dick Cheney's inner circle as the first pellets hit your face. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

When your neighbors think Sarah Palin was once the mayor of a metropolis, you know you're in Ponder, Tex. (population 500). (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

You know you're in China when announcing your affiliation with Democracy Now is grounds for arrest. Oh, wait, that was St. Paul. -- Amy Goodman, New York (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

You know you're in Casablanca when a woman says, "Play it again, Sam," and everyone in the bar tells her she's saying it wrong. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

You know for sure where you are if you drive by a series of signs: Suu Kyi/Can kiss our butts/Democracy?/You think we're nuts?/Myanmar Shave. (Russ Taylor)

You know you're in Paris when the women wear stiletto heels not to look sexy but to minimize their chances of stepping in dog poop. (Marc Naimark, Paris)

You know you're in Berkeley, Calif., when the city council considers banning the Salvation Army for excessive militarism. (Chris Doyle)

You know you are in the free autonomous People's Democratic Republic of South Ossetia when we tell you so! And you will like it there, da? -- V. Putin, Gori (Brendan Beary)

When everyone around you has a Long Island accent, you're at the University of Maryland. (Andy Wardlaw, Burbank, Calif.)

You know you're at Area 51 when you max out your frequent-abduction miles. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

You know you're in Alaska when you think abstinence means "abstain from wearing a condom." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

You know you have arrived in Bangalore when your fingernails grow by half an inch during the cab ride home. (Ankit Srivastava, La Jolla, Calif., a First Offender)

You can tell you're in the D.C. area if the kids complain that there isn't enough snow to make a snowball and they're bored, what with school being canceled all week and all. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

You know you're in France when your leg of lamb arrives unshaven. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

You know you're in California when the horns on antique cars go "arugula." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

You know you're in northern Montgomery County when the McMansions are no longer touching each other. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy, Md.)

You know you're in France when they don't have French fries, the French toast comes out just like good ol' American toast, and I can't get anybody to give me a French kiss! What's wrong with these people? (Jon Graft, Centreville)

If you found an extraordinarily powerful political husband-and-wife team who exercised complete control over their party, and the husband is a former president and the wife a failed presidential contender, all despite being dogged by a background of scandals and legal issues, well, you just might have been in the Philippines. (Russ Taylor)

You know you're in Las Vegas when your prime rib dinner cost just 99 cents, yet somehow your weekend cost you $11,000, your car and your wristwatch. (Tom Witte)

Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or The New-Word Order