Week 783: The Shill Game


Lazarus for Bulova Snooze Alarm Clocks: "Sometimes, you just want to sleep a little longer."

Sen. Ted Stevens for renovations by Home Depot: "You can do it, we can help (wink, wink)."

Here's a contest we haven't done since the Invitational was still in diapers: Name a celebrity or fictional character to endorse a real product or company. Back in Week 52, in 1994, the entries were mostly puns, such as the Jackson Family for Chock Full o' Nuts (by Nick Dierman), Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan) and the classic John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft, by the already famous Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. You can find the whole set of Week 52 results at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. It's optional to include a description or slogan, as in the examples above from Kevin Dopart, who suggested this contest in blissful ignorance of its earlier existence.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two fine books: "Yiddish With Dick and Jane," donated by Brendan Beary, and "Yiddish With George and Laura," which we had lying around (" 'Oh yeah, Jeb and Marvin?' George says. 'You can kush mir in tuchas.' ").

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 29. Put "Week 783" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland.

Report From Week 779, in which we asked basically for idiotic rants.

While reading the many hundreds of entries submitted, however, the Empress couldn't help notice that some of the ranters seemed awfully sincere about certain peeves they sent, such as the gripe by Steve Fahey of Kensington about most publications' policy of placing a comma inside, rather than outside, a closing quotation mark. Yes, of course, Steve is a 158-time Loser.

4. It is outrageous that Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th president, gets two different dollar coins in his honor. This does nothing but reward failure, because if he'd won in 1888 and had three consecutive terms, he'd have only one coin. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

3. How can Americans willingly abide with farcical rules of succession that place the secretary of energy seven rungs below secretary of the interior? Ask any citizen: If tragedy were to strike, whom would we rather see in the Oval Office: Sam Bodman or Dirk Kempthorne? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

2. The winner of the Liberace calendar: I am disgusted at the excessive and obscene "nipple shots" that for several weeks have plastered the front page of what should be a respectable family paper. Just because some fellow won a gold medal in swimming . . . (Zak Kemenosh, Washington, a First Offender)

And the Winner of the Inker:

What really burns me up is women who breast-feed their babies in public when I'm out with my family. I can't very well say, "Yeah, baby" or "How about a little lunch for me?" with my wife and kids standing there! (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.)

How Could These Be Worth Only a Magnet!: Honorable Mentions

Our judicial system is such a mess! I reported for jury duty and they sent me home for no good reason: "Just 'cause" is what they said! And that was after I told them I already knew for a fact that the defendant was guilty, guilty, guilty! (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

I hate when people repeatedly say "you know." Like my former boss ¿ he'd say, "You know you can't download porn in the office." "You know you can't embezzle funds from the pension account." "You know you're going to jail." It drove me crazy! (John Bunyan, Cincinnati)

What's with octagonal stop signs? They could be hexagonal, still have a distinctive shape, and it would save two sides! (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

The name "Washington Redskins" is offensive to me. I live near FedEx Field and think they rightly should call themselves the Prince George's Redskins. When I sing "Hail to the Redskins," I always exhort them to "fight for old P.G.!" (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

I was very disappointed by the recent Edward Hopper show at the National Gallery. For example, I had no idea what was happening in "Office at Night." It would have helped a lot if Hopper had painted word balloons, like in cartoons. Woman: "I'm pregnant." Man: "Huh?" That would have added a little nuance. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The stores at the mall have obviously sold out to the "War on Independence" agenda: They all have signs about "the Fourth of July," instead of "Independence Day"! Remember, Independence is the Reason for the Season. (Jon Graft, Centreville)

I hate it when people confuse the letter O with the number 0. If you give out your area code as "two-oh-two," well, don't be surprised if someone dials 262, because on the telephone pad, 6 is the key for the letter O. (William E. Bradford, Washington)

It's positively indecent that men will walk down the street with that thing of theirs flapping in the breeze right in front of them! Gentlemen, I beg you to stick it back where it belongs -- through the loop on back of the tie. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

I'm appalled that Maryland designates as its state flower the black-eyed Susan, thus tacitly condoning domestic violence...... (Brendan Beary)

People are such idiots. First they make the Walk and the Don't Walk lights both gray! Then, no matter how good you are at running, they can forget, like, five times in a row to let go of the ball they're trying to throw. Idiots, I tell you. -- Rex (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Why does Hershey's continue to print "Open Here" on its wrappers? Please, Hershey's, tell me exactly what I'm risking if I open the candy from the other end. It's freakin' chocolate, not a bomb with a timer detonator. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Why are elections always on Tuesdays? I haven't been able to vote in 20 years because Tuesday is my bowling night. (Jon Graft)

No matter how many times I tell my local grocers that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable, they keep putting them between the potatoes and the onions. What's next, putting the asparagus beside the blueberries? (Marjorie Streeter, Reston)

"Objects in Mirror ..." -- How can an object be in a mirror? Is it inside the plastic housing that sticks out of the car door? Why is our government mandating this absurd perversion of our language? (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

I have been sending out thank-you cards for years upon receiving gifts or favors, and NOT ONCE has someone been kind enough to thank me for sending what I think are very nice thank-you cards. A simple card would be nice. What are we, animals? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Why is the little figure in all crosswalk lights so obviously male? Doesn't the government realize that women outnumber men, and as a result more actually cross the street? (Jeff Brechlin)

As The Post's Metro editor I've spent all these months soliciting Washingtonians' rants for a recurring feature on Page B3, and then some anonymous worker in the Style section goes and rips off the the contest without even a credit. -- Robert McCartney (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.)

What has happened to The Style Invitational? Some say it's a difference in tone, a shift from funny to clever. I feel that a good bodily function joke will always be appreciated by men and a few undiscriminating women. When people ask, "Didn't you use to be big in The Style Invitational?" I always answer that it's The Style Invitational that got small. And then I poke them in the eyes with two fingers. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Location, Location, Location or A Plague of Locus