Week 782: That's the Ticket!


What voters want above all else is consistency, and no one else on the ballot can match tapioca pudding in that regard . . .

Sure, a lot of historians say he was bad, but if you look at Buchanan's performance over the last 140 years, he's been quite steady . . .

This week, a twist on a perennial Invitational contest, the ol' List of Random Items: Play Partisan Pundit and explain why any of the items on the list below is qualified to be the president of the United States, as in the examples above by Loser Brendan Beary, who suggested this contest. Alternatively, pair any two of the items and explain why they would form an effective ticket for the general election. Or both. No limit on the number of entries as long as they are brilliantly clever.

· A moss-covered rock

· Krusty the Clown

· A dish of tapioca pudding

· Ex-president James Buchanan

· Bert from "Sesame Street"

· The Orange Line train from New Carrollton

· Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports"

· Benedict Arnold

· Emily Litella

· Sweeney Todd

· The Firefox browser

· Chuck Smith of Woodbridge

· Britney Spears's hairstylist

· Cartman

· A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart

· Zerbina the Pinhead

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of Obama and McCain gargoyle "designer resin" figurines. We would have thought the McCain one was Gerald Ford were it not for the label, while Obama is kind of a cute, puppyish dragon, if you don't mind enormous horse teeth. In any case, we agree wholeheartedly with the manufacturer, Toscano Design, that they are both "extraordinary sculpts."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22. Put "Week 782" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland.

Report from Week 778, in which we asked you, during the Olympics, to combine any two sports or other activities to come up with a new one.

By "other activities," we were thinking along the line of chess, as in the actual new sport of chess boxing. But leave it to the Losers to interpret that a bit more broadly, the way that Vladimir Putin interprets "democracy" a bit more broadly.

4. Running and the limbo: Rush Limbo. The same course as the 110-meter hurdles, with one difference. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

3. Beach cricket: Americans won't understand the rules to this kind of cricket either, but it doesn't matter because it is played by hot women in bikinis. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

2. the winner of the collector's-item Eberhard Faber Blackwing 602 pencil:

Hockey and boxing: Hockey. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

And the Winner of the Inker

Sumo ski jumping: Performance is measured on the Richter scale. (Hugh Pullen, Vienna)

Robbed by the Bulgarian Judge: Honorable Mentions

Gymnastics and drinking shots: Balance Jim Beam. Athletes must each consume five shots of bourbon a half-hour before performing their routines, which are judged by a panel of state troopers. (Pam Sweeney)

Pommel bronco: Fellas, do those routines on a live bucking horse and we'll stop making fun of your stretch pants and footies. (Pam Sweeney)

Rowing and craps: Scull and bones. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

Ice dancing and minefield clearing: Finally, a reason for ice dancing. (Ned Bent)

Fast-pitch javelin throw: Each team is allowed 30 catchers. (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Baseball and TV weather forecasting: A .333 average puts you on the all-star team. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt)

Synchronized singing, pairs competition: Requires one kid with talent and one with looks. A demonstration sport since a couple of weeks ago. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Mike Dailey, Centreville)

Dodge ball shot put: An eight-pound ball; no substitutions. Games tend not to run into overtime. (Mike Dailey)

Rodeyoga: You must maintain a tranquil lotus position for eight seconds on a 2,000-pound bucking steer. Nobody has ever done it, but nobody gets uptight about it. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda)

Water polo polo: Seahorses are theoretically the best mounts, but scoreless ties still abound as mallet swings lack zip and the horses appear discomfited by the little ties on the caps. (Bill Cowart, Washington; Matthew Stanfield, London, a First Offender)

Football football: Foreign players play "football" against Americans playing football: Use a good ol' NFL football; see how well they dribble that with their feet. They have to play by regular soccer rules (no hands, etc.) while the Americans get to tackle them. They wear T-shirts and shorts, while Americans wear helmets and shoulder pads. If they score a goal, one point. If we run or pass it over the end line, six points. WE'RE NO. 1! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Caber toss and bulimia: Swallowing the caber is only the half of it. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Drag racing and hurdles: The trick is getting over the jumps while wearing those high heels. (Russell Beland)

Equestrian beach volleyball: Undressage. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Baseball and quilting: Participants sit in the stands at a ballgame and sew a quilt only during foul balls, throws to first base, meetings between the catcher and pitcher, backing out of the batter's box, intentional walks, and throws around the horn. Fastest finisher ends up with something to keep him warm when he falls asleep. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Combine the 4-by-100 relay with Keep Away. Well, that's how we played it this year. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Weightlifting and watching weightlifting: Clean-and-Jerks and Jerks. As each weightlifter strains with the barbell, beer-drinking audience participants make a variety of comical fart noises. There is no official scoring or order of finish, but man, I just never get tired of playing that game! (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: Gripe for the Picking, or Irritable Howl Syndrome