Week 780: Location, Location, Location


You know you're in New York when someone breaks into your car just to steal the "No Radio in Car" sign.

How do you know you've really arrived? Put OnStar Lady away for once and tell us. This week: Say how you know you're in a particular place, as in the example above by Loser 4 Ever Russell Beland, who suggested this contest.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of dog bandannas: a red one labeled "Republican" and a blue "Democrat." Either will be accepted at the polls Nov. 4 in lieu of your dog's voter registration card. You may also wear it yourself, as a political statement to exercise your constitutional right to look like an out-and-out dork.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 8. Put "Week 780" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Roy Ashley of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by John O'Byrne of Dublin.

Report From Week 776, in which we asked you to look at the bright side of an unfortunate situation.

Numerous Losers noted that they hadn't even a bit of bunion pain now that their legs had been cut off. But that sunny-side testimonial was trumped by the Dave Ferry of Key West, Fla., who swore that "my dad had his leg amputated because of his diabetes, but he moved to Orlando and got a job at Disney World as a pirate."

4. A giant asteroid is about to hit Earth, but at least no one has time to make a TV movie about it. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

3. "While you must leave the Garden, Eve, I will show mercy: I will make you, and all females that follow, look really hot if you wear four-inch heels and 'bodyshapers.' " (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

2. the winner of "The Memoirs of Mason Reese": Eating chips made with Olestra might give me gas with oily discharge, but that does give me a great idea for the name of my rock band. -- D. Barry, Miami (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

And the Winner of the Inker

I had to admit that I had an affair and lied about it, but at least I won't have to be vice president. -- John Edwards, Kwame Kilpatrick, Henry Cisneros, Gary Condit, Bill Clinton . . .(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Hey, They Could Have Been Worse: Honorable Mentions

Now that I can't afford to drive my Hummer, women are more likely to assume that I'm adequately endowed. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

With the weak dollar, pickpockets in Rome are leaving Americans alone and going after the German and Japanese tourists. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt)

Ever since that guy on the sex offender list moved in next door, I haven't once had to yell at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn. (Marc Naimark, Paris)

My long commute is brutal, but it gives me a lot of time to listen to language tapes. Now I can say "get off your bleepin' phone and drive, you idiot" in Mandarin, Basque and Urdu. (Keith Waites, Frederick)

At least I have one finger left to show those loan sharks what I think of them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

People might be prejudiced against me because of my name, but on planes I'm never seated next to crying babies or talkative salesmen, just reserved civil servants. -- Mustafa B. Laden, Lackawanna, N.Y. (Larry Flynn)

You squandered the opportunity to rank among the greatest presidents ever, but you did help a young lady launch a successful handbag business. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

With this big-time halitosis I have, I've gotten over my fear that I'll accidentally choke on a supermodel's tongue. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Okay, you're a man trapped inside a woman's body, but at least you get to look at yourself naked anytime you want. (Russell Beland)

Four bucks a gallon! At least now we finally have an idea what Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force's secret meetings were all about. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

I can finally shave off that itchy beard. -- R. Karadzic, The Hague (Larry Flynn)

Since I was laid off, I have more time for having lun -- . . . uh, sampling . . . uh, shopping at Costco. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

My city and home are burned to the ground, my daughter's dead, and my latest husband doesn't give a damn about me, but tomorrow IS another day. -- S. O'Hara-Hamilton-Kennedy-Butler, Tara, Ga.) (Randy Lee, Burke)

Oh, good, I found all the fat-boy clothes I thought I'd given away to Goodwill when I lost some weight a few years ago. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France)

Since I gained all this weight, my husband doesn't want to take me to those boring office parties. (Kaye Washington, San Leandro, Calif., a First Offender)

Yes, Mr. Bond, I must tell you that this room you're trapped in will explode in just 10 minutes and there is no possible means of escape. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to leave you completely unsupervised. (Russell Beland)

My rental car was dented by another vehicle, and I had declined the optional insurance, but thankfully the nice guy who hit me was in a big hurry and gave me $10,000 in crisp, new $100 bills. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The nice thing about intestinal parasites is you never have to dine alone. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

The oil from the tanker covered hundreds of miles of shoreline, but it's trans fat free! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

My boyfriend is in prison and he's pretty dumb and mean, but at least he's always there when I call. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

There may have been another track delay on the Orange Line, but at least I got to learn the entire medical history of the woman sitting next to me. (Jeffrey Susser, Silver Spring)

I can visit a doctor's office anywhere in the world, just give my name, and they know what disease I have! -- L. Gehrig (Larry Flynn)

With a shudder and a smile, she passed out from the most intense physical pleasure she ever had: She finally scratched the itch she'd had for the last seven months under her full-body cast. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

"The earthquake has devastated San Francisco, Mr. Mayor. But I think you can gain politically from this by blaming it on the Chinese immigrants." (Peter Metrinko)

Virginia was ravaged during four years of bloody civil war, but at least we managed to ditch those western counties. (Russell Beland)

Okay, so it's the Rapture and I'm still here. At least Easter services won't be crowded anymore. (Kevin Dopart)

Some idiot smashed the side mirrors of my Prius, but reduced drag has raised my gas mileage! (Leila Leoncavallo, Fairfax, a First Offender)

And Last: I'm a loser, but on Saturdays I get to capitalize it. -- R. Beland, Springfield (Tristan Axelrod, Washington)

And Even Laster: I didn't get ink in the Invitational this week. But at least I don't have to explain a joke over and over to the same old idiots at work on Monday morning. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Next Week: Limerixicon 5, or The Doggerel Days of September