Week 779: Gripe for the Picking


Some of us must have truly charmed lives, notes Very Occasional Loser Irv Shapiro of Rockville (for whose children, coincidentally, the Empress babysat decades ago, when she was but a mere princess). At a time when few are untouched by economic woes, or health woes, or family strife, or deep angst over What the World Is Coming To, some very lucky people evidently have nothing worse to concern them than a neighbor giving a dog the same name as their relative, or about coughing at a concert. The latter crisis was addressed about in a 546-word tirade published in The Post this past summer, prompting reader Chris Krisinger of Burke to write in: "Of all the pressing local issues that need airing through additional public discourse such as the editorial pages, coughing at symphony concerts would not have made my top 100 or so." This week: Rant about an issue that wouldn't make your top 100 for airing in The Post. So that we can air it in The Post, of course. As always, longer entries must be worth their length. Anything over 75 words must be gosh-durn hi-larious.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new 2008 Liberace calendar -- including a photo of Wladziu in spangled hot pants -- direct from the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas, donated by Loser Maja Keech of New Carrollton, who picked it up at this year's Loserfest, an annual vacation organized by the Style Invitational Losers themselves. (Last year, you may remember, we featured an ear picker picked up at the Loserfest in Williamsburg.)

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 2. Put "Week 779" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Elden Carnahan. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brendan Beary.

Report From Week 775, in which we asked you to combine the beginning and end of two words within a single ad in The Post or washingtonpost.com and define the new word.

This contest turned out to be a little harder than expected, because, as several Losers reported, the paper isn't exactly exploding with ad copy these days.

4. Spamily: The deposed former vice president of Nigeria, his niece the banking heiress, and her brother-in-law the diplomat trapped on foreign soil. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)

3. Beau-ger: An unfortunate pick from the personal ads. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

2. The winner of the 2002 outhouse calendar (usable again in 2013): Brasort: A semi-nudist colony. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)

And the Winner of the Inker

Exclu-less: Oblivious to how much the people in coach hate you and your roomy leather seat and your pretty little cookies on the pretty little tray instead of the three pretzel sticks. (Beth Morgan, San Francisco)

Ad Absurdum: Honorable Mentions

Ex-rid: Remarry. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Rabbiole: Knishes (Barrett Swink, Annandale, a First Offender)

Sanson: A man with no heir. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Pandorks: People who ruin their cooking by adding unnecessary ingredients. "What pandork put cilantro in my spaghetti?" (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

Out-chitecture: Homes designed with no closets. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

Hybri-hoe: A hermaphrodite prostitute. (Lisa Trossarello, Rex, Ga., a First Offender)

Ameriment: The reaction of people in other countries when hearing President Bush pronounce their leaders' names. (Beth Morgan)

Perflush: A pay-as-you-go plan. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Colonhopping: What a promiscuous proctologist does. (Beverley Sharp)

Gutprints: The craters left by obese sunbathers at the beach. (Marc Boysworth)

Pharma-fond: Using, but not addicted; as characterized by Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Rush Limbaugh. No, really. They said so. (Marc Boysworth)

Natsender: An event that occurs annually sometime between mid-June and the All-Star break. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Fu-ville: A town that doesn't exactly put out the welcome mat for strangers. (George Vary, Bethesda)

Gohoma: Fu-ville is this state's capital. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul)

Outagement: The Pepco board of directors. (Barbara Turner)

Finantiques: Old money. (Barbara Turner)

Swimpy: How a half-hour in the pool leaves one's manhood. (Tom Witte)

Buff-sect: A religious group that observes the Day of Tonement. (Larry Yungk)

Cavetend: An early predecessor of Good Housekeeping (Larry Yungk)

Whirlponies: Extreme Carousel (Pam Sweeney)

Brotel: The Y. (Pam Sweeney)

Comfort-cure: Becoming a parent. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Opera-slim: Pleasingly plump. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Telaborate: Give TMI via cellphone. "She telaborated on her bowel movements all the way to Shady Grove." (Kevin Dopart, vacationing in Athens)

Federelves: Those jolly, dependable creatures who appear not on Dec. 24 but on April 15. And in a quaint twist, you give THEM presents. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Exertificate: Recognition of an exceptional work effort with a totally symbolic gesture, rather than the money you were expecting. (Russ Taylor)

Fromagineering: The process by which a perfectly good idea begets an altogether cheesy product. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Downsizumbia: A forced-retirement community. (Brendan Beary)

Cellulightening: Toning your thunder thighs. (Brendan Beary)

Graspitality: A friendly welcome at the bordello door. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Peonology: The study of losers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Invice: The bill you get from an escort service. (Tom Witte)

Homost: Bi but leaning. (Brian Cohen, Potomac)

Disco-tics: The heebie-BeeGees. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Ite-ite: Follower of the philosophy of, oh, whatever it is all those others are following. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Wetbucks: Laundered money. (Chris Doyle)

Bris-trick: The new rabbi found that the skills from his part-time job at Benihana weren't well received in his new profession. (Pam Sweeney)

Economorrow: When you'll finally cut back on expenses. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Next Week: An Act of Sunny Side, or There's Gold in Them Thar Ills