Week 775: Ad-dition


Drama-kin: Your sister and brother-in-law who always manage to get into a fight at Thanksgiving dinner.

Here's one of our perennial neologism contests -- the one we called Hyphen the Terrible in the pre-Web era. But with a slight twist this week, in honor of The Post's primary means of support: This week: Combine the beginning and end of any two words appearing in any single advertisement in The Post or on washingtonpost.com, from today through Aug. 4, and then define the new word. Each part should consist of at least two letters, and your entry can't be an existing English word. You can either hyphenate it or not. You may use the new word in a wildly humorous sentence, if you are so inspired. And because this has been just a miserable summer for newsroom staffs across the nation: For Losers residing in The Post's delivery area, at least one of your entries must be from the print paper. Please include the page number of the ad. For entries from the Web site, cite what ad you're using; even better, copy the pertinent text onto your e-mail. The example above is from a skin cream ad (combining "dramatic" and "skin") in tomorrow's Washington Post Magazine.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a handsome, large wall calendar depicting a year's worth of photographs of outhouses. That year is 2002. Loser Pie "Karen" Snelson of Silver Spring finally worked up the courage to part with it. It will be perfectly usable again in 2013.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 4. Put "Week 775" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brendan Beary.

Report From Week 771, in which we asked for names for employee handbooks, etc., for particular professions or workplaces.

Many Losers extrapolated that into titles of how-to books, which the Empress agreeably decided to allow. Some people decided to send in slogans for companies, which the Empress agreeably tossed into the trash.

4. Shriners parade handbook: "Put On a Happy Fez" (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

3. American Bar Association banquet planning guide: "101 Jokes About Other Professions" (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

2. the winner of the Zulu mcedo "modesty cap":

A manual for mohels: "Eight Days, a Whack" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

And the Winner of the Inker

"The Paean Is Mightier Than the S-Word: The Congressional Guide to Speaking Near a Microphone" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Manual Transgressions: Honorable Mentions

"Our Bodies, Our Sales: The NOW Guide to Streetwalking" (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"How to Succeed in Business Without Really Frying: Opening a Fat-Free Restaurant" (Jon Shaner, Grand Rapids, Mich.)

A manual for prostitutes: "Tricks of the Trade of the Tricks" (Tom Witte)

PETA guidebook: "Making Meats End" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

"The Geek Shall Inherit: The Hacker's Guide to Social Security Databases" (Beverley Sharp)

Dental hygienists' manual: "Spit and Polish" (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

Amalgamated Meat Cutters contract: "The Offal Truth" (Marc Boysworth, Burke)

United Airlines preventive maintenance manual: "Divided We Fall" (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

A guide to crash testing: "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies" (Robert M. Doherty, Daleville, Va.)

Gravediggers' manual: "From Bier to Eternity" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Weyerhaeuser manual for filing reports: "Clear-Cut Logging" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Bureau of Indian Affairs census: "Who's Sioux in America" (Chris Doyle)

"Poisson Control: The Perfectly Cooked Fish" (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Teamsters recruiting manual: "Inducing Labor" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Investigative journalists' manual: "It Takes a Vigil" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Tyson Foods organizational chart: "The Pecking Order" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

"The OPEC Guide to Cartels: It's as Easy as 123 . . . 128 . . . 136 . . . 143 . . ." (Christopher Lamora)

"A Book Created to Describe, Though Not, Unless Otherwise Limited by Law, Restricted to, the Operation and Function of a Certain Pair of Elected Bodies, Hereafter Known Collectively as the United States Congress" (Russell Beland)

"First Come, First Severed: A Practical Guide to Amputation" (Chris Lusto, Oceanside, Calif., a First Offender)

"Eeek! Surviving Your First Few Months at Disney World" (G. Smith, New York)

Helicopter flying manual: "The Way We Whirr" (Tom Witte)

Escort service: "For Whom the Belle Toils" (Rick Lempert, Arlington; Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

The Chinese government's directive to police about protests by Buddhist monks: "Motorcycle Cops and the Art of Zen Maintenance" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

National Enquirer reporters' handbook: "When You Dish Upon a Star" (George Vary, Bethesda)
(Brendan Beary)

Airline flight scheduling manual: "Bumping and Grounding" (Beverley Sharp)

Rulebook for a male nudist colony: "The Compleat Dangler" (Tom Witte)

For new interrogators: "The Torturer's Apprentice" (Rick Bell, Tikrit, Iraq)

A guide to being the president of Afghanistan: "Duck!" (Tom Witte)

Just My Size employee orientation manual: "Put Your Big-Girl Panties On" (Drew Bennett)

Barnum & Bailey organizational chart: "Tiers of a Clown" (Marc Boysworth)

Pepco security manual: "The Family Joules" (Stephen Dudzik)

USDA guide for produce inspection: "How Do You Like Them Apples?" (Brendan Beary)

The Chiropractor's CD Reference Manual: A 23-disk set. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

"Do Undo Others: The Bible of the Campaign Dirty-Tricks Squad" (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

"Cross Examination: The Department of Justice Bible Study Guide" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

NAMBLA training manual: "The Scout-Boy Handbook" (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

USDA inspector's handbook: "There's More to This Than Eyes the Meat" (Chris Doyle)

Cryonics lab manual: "Icy Dead People" (Chris Doyle)

Drag show chorus line rulebook: "Cher and Cher Alike" (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

NSA staff directory: "KSMEH ZBBLK SMEMP OGAJX" (Stephen Dudzik)

Tax stimulus payment mailers' guide: "Government Buy the People" (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Psychics R Us staff handbook: "Okay, What Title Are We Thinking Of?" (Larry Yungk)

Next Week: Make It Simple, Stupid or It's a Long, Long Way to Literary