Week 771: Groaner's Manuals


For the Department of Transportation: "Our Way Is the Highway"
"The Straight Poop: How to Write Style Invitational Entries"
"The Ten Condiments: A Guide for Our Chefs"

Primordial Loser Elden Carnahan, having committed Style Invitational ink for more than 15 years, has thought it wise of late to make himself more useful to his church. Elden's current project is to prepare a sort of operations manual for Laurel Presbyterian, and so for advice he immediately turned to his fellow Losers on the Losernet e-mail group, at least for the title of the guide. The best, from Andrew Hoenig of Rockville: "Calvin and Jobs."

Elden suggests we broaden the search. This week: Come up with a humorous name for a guide or manual for, or a book about, a particular enterprise or organization, as in the examples above.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of the finest prizes we have ever awarded: an authentic (according to the package) Zulu mcedo sent directly from South Africa, courtesy of Loser Robin Diallo of Dakar, Senegal. A mcedo is a, well, it's a round little protective cap of woven grass that looks like a large acorn with a hole at one end. It's worn below the belt.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 7. Put "Week 771" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by John O'Byrne. This week's Honorable Mentions name is sort of by Roy Ashley.

Report From Week 767, in we asked you to find a sentence appearing in that week's Post or on washingtonpost.com and supply a sentence that it might (in a very odd world) answer:

4. Sentence in The Post: You have to do some digging and think outside the box in the Washington area this year.
Question: What was Whiskers the Cat's advice on coping with the local kitty litter shortage? (Roy Ashley, Washington)

3. The time had come, France conceded.
What is the complete text of the chapter on World War I in "A History of Europe, Abridged" (later repeated as the chapter on World War II)? (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

2. the winner of the silly multicolor beanie with spinner :
"When the choice is between destroying or being destroyed, it's better to destroy."
For the sake of scansion, what line did Paul Simon later replace with "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail"? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the Winner of the Inker

I don't know if I should say something, let it roll off, or what.
"Isn't that the neighbors' baby up on the roof?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

What in No Way Confer Honor?

"She touched a lot of people," said Theresa Gropelli, 43.
Why did Theresa's ancient ancestor adopt such an unusual surname? (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Cautionary reports about their mercury levels limit us both to ordering them no more than weekly.
Al, is it true that you and Tipper are so concerned about global warming that you've taken to snacking on thermometers? (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif., a First Offender)

In actuality, it was like 40 below zero.
Senator Feinstein characterized the Clinton-Obama meeting in her living room as "warm" -- was that really true? (Christopher Lamora)

The firefighter won, and the general apologized.
What happened during the argument that nearly doomed the reunion of the Village People? (Russell Beland)

"I didn't think I would see it happen in my lifetime."
What did Sen. Obama say when Sen. Clinton finally conceded? (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

That's the hurdle.
Why is this finish-line ribbon so thick? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Come on," Nurse Frosty urged, shaking her head as my husband rose to go with me.
What's today's installment of The Post's new Porn of the Day column? (George Vary, Bethesda)

It's been a year and a half.
What have the last 11 weeks been like for your dog? (Russell Beland)

The ripple effects are already being felt.
What's happening at 5 p.m. on Skid Row? (David Komornik, Danville, Va.)

It's all about the kids, making sure they are engaged.
What do families do for fun at the Yearning for Zion Ranch? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Since 1994, state and federal authorities have poured these millions into rejuvenating the famous bivalves and the centuries-old industry that relies on them.
Does Nevada really spend tax dollars on Botox for prostitutes? (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

The situation . . . should make same-sex couples think twice about walking down the isle.
Is it true that conservative activists on Catalina Island have threatened to push honeymooning gay couples into to the ocean? (Christopher Lamora)

"That's what you call a shellacking!"
At the Alexandre de Paris hair salon, what do they say about Cindy McCain's coiffure? (Christopher Lamora)

In the District, no major heat-related problems were reported, but officials opened four cooling centers.
What was the D.C. government's response to the last blizzard? (Russell Beland)

"I feel like a 1,000-pound bear has been lifted off my chest."
What did the dazed hiker in Glacier National Park say when rescuers pried a 1,000-pound bear off his chest? (Mae Scanlan)

Alternate spellings include "qat."
What might you find in the Porn Spammer's Glossary? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"I'll be glad when it's back on."
What was Tom Arnold's reaction when he finally saw his first wife without her dress? (Russell Beland)

They actually use the inside of their eyes to push food down into their throats.
What separates champion competitive eaters from, say, your in-laws? (Kevin Dopart)

About 51,000 couples, half the gay couples in California, are projected to wed over the next three years.
Why does the Advocate project a three-year drop in California gay sex? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It was the third such evacuation in four months.
Are you sure you're constipated? (Jay Shuck)

The older we get, the more interested we are in (a) food and (b) sadism.
Which proposed new tagline did AARP reject immediately? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

No experience is needed.
What's the one good thing about dying? (Beverley Sharp)

The grapes were crushed.
Who wasn't happy to see Prohibition end? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

But Obama supporters said he needed to do more.
Don't you think his admission of youthful drug use will hurt his chances? (Russell Beland)

Consider the fat panda: Half - cooked dumpling, doughy child of destiny.
Are there any lesser-known Chinese dishes one should try? (Marc Boysworth, Burke, a First Offender)

Eight sports pages, including three full baseball pages, but not one story about the Stanley Cup finals.
Why do I love the Washington Post sports section? (Michael Gaffney, Cabin John, a First Offender)

You're nothing, and we're going to treat you like the nothing you are. And don't ever hope to think that you have a chance of being treated differently.
Can I have a T-shirt? (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

Next Week: The Events Described Herein Are Entirely Fictitious, or It's Unreel