Week 770: A Knack for Anachronism


If 21st-Century Girls Had 17th-Century Standards

Tricia: Oh my God, Kara, take a look at Henry Popper over there lying on the bench!

Kara: Wow. Look at that full gut. He must be, like, totally well fed and wealthy . . . compared to Biff Ryland over there playing Frisbee, all sinewy and shirtless.

Tricia: Gross! Look at those abs and well-defined delts. Uhh, can you say "field laborer"? Why doesn't he just wear a sign that says, "I don't get to eat figgy pudding with gravy very often"?

The aforementioned illustration of shifting aesthetics regarding the human form as a reflection of socioeconomic class, by New York improv actor David Siegel, appears in longer form on the influential academic forum CollegeHumor.com and was forwarded to us by Confirmed Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, who suggests this contest: Take a famous historical moment, literary passage or movie scene and place it in an entirely different age. Peter also cites Bob Newhart's classic 1960 telephone monologue in which Abe Lincoln's Madison Avenue press agent coaches him on his image ("You typed it? Abe, how many times have we told you: On the backs of envelopes!"). Length limit: 81 words, which just happens to be the length of the example. Much shorter entries are also enthusiastically welcomed.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Abe Lincoln Bobblehead, which does not by any stretch depict Abe Lincoln or his head. Instead, it depicts pretty well the Washington Nationals' Abe Lincoln mascot, which has a luscious Antonio Banderas head of hair, and also a pretty smoldering expression, come to think of it.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 30. Put "Week 770" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brendan Beary. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte.

Report From Week 766, in which we asked for situations that could be summed up with the singsong comment "Awwwk-ward":

4 You discover that the guy at the party you've just castigated for his disgusting imitation of a disability was not, in fact, doing an imitation. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

3 As an April Fool's joke, you "come out" to your dad. He immediately breaks down and tells you that he, too, is gay. Now you don't know whether to tell him it was just a prank, or to pretend to be gay the rest of your life to spare his feelings. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

2 the winner of the empty bottle of Pschitt:

You set a match to a bag of poop on your neighbor's doorstep and your pants leg catches fire. (Howie Kallem, Arlington, a First Offender)

And the Winner of the Inker

At a job interview, a secretary escorts you into the office of your prospective boss and announces, "Mr. Pervert is here to see you." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The Blush League: Honorable Mentions

At the theater, your cellphone starts ringing right in the middle of Hamlet's soliloquy, and you're the one playing Hamlet. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Your dog deposits on a stranger's lawn, and the stranger is standing right there watering the flowers, and you realize that the only possible pickup device on you is your Nationals cap. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

You walk in as your 6-year-old asks your mother-in-law to blow up the balloon he found in a foil wrapper on your nightstand. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Your neighbor is asking if you've seen her poodle when your pit bull suddenly throws up a little pink collar. (Mary Lou French, Winchester, Va.)

You go to the bathroom in the dark when your in-laws are visiting, and sit down on your father-in-law's lap. (a true story from Anne Levy, Annandale, whose only previous Invitational ink was in 1995)

When your date introduces herself to your boss at the office party, you realize you hadn't made it clear to her that "Mr. Schmuckhead" is not his actual name. (Ellen Raphaeli)

When you tell your mother-in-law you're pregnant, she asks who the father is. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

At a tense meeting, you lean over to whisper something in the ear of an elaborately coiffed female business associate, and then realize one of her scalp hairs is stuck between your front teeth. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

You read your name on the JumboTron at the game, followed by: "Not in a million years, you loser." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

You have one of those nightmares in which you're lying naked on a beach with people gawking at you, and you're also 40 minutes late for an exam. Then you wake up and find that at least you're not late for an exam. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

During confession, the priest starts by asking what you're wearing. (Kevin Dopart)

You compliment your wife on her waffles and she tells you that it's a souffle. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

You come back to your table, the cute blond foreign chick you just met is sitting there, you give her a little back rub, and then she tells you she is the chancellor of Germany. Like, who would see that coming? (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

You have the trots and rush into a public toilet, do your business, and then discover there's no TP. But there's a guy in the next stall . . . -- L. Craig, Washington (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Moments before you and your fellow Mossad assassins hit the terrorist camp, you realize you were the one who was supposed to bring the bagels. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

You get locked outside your house in your bathrobe . . . belt. (Russell Beland)

The song selected for your "American Idol" round is "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider." (Howard Walderman)

No one in church laughs at your joke about Jesus and the crippled prostitute. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

On a walk after dinner on your first date, the cute guy takes you by the hand, and three of your Lee Press-On Nails slide right into his palm. (Sharon Riley, Raleigh, N.C., a First Offender)

You didn't realize you would get a screen credit as a fluffer. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Your boss tells you she saw your name Saturday in The Style Invitational. "But what does 'MILF' mean anyway?" she asks. (Drew Bennett)

The Empress gives you credit the next time she runs this contest, but instead of "suggested by," it says "inspired by." (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)

Next Week: Questionable Journalism, or Full o' Daffy Inquirers