Week 769: Splice Work If You Can Get It


Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau.

Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader.

Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it.

We've done this contest only once before, back in 2002 (though we concede that numerous entries from other contests would fit it): Combine two words -- overlapping by at least two letters -- into what's known by polysyllabic types as a portmanteau word, and by the rest of us as a mash word, and define it. Note: Because of limits on the Empress's space, time and sanity, the portmanteau words must begin with a letter from S through Z (the second word in the combination is unrestricted) and you may send only your very best 20 (fewer are also welcome). The examples above, from the 2002 go-round, are by Frank Mullen III, John Shea and Chuck Smith, respectively.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a plush squeaky dog toy in the shape of a pair of scissors, of the brand Chewish Treats. What makes it Invite-prize-worthy? On the scissors is embroidered the word "Moyel." What makes it Loser-perfect? When he bought it, Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis did not know what "moyel" (usually spelled "mohel") referred to.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 23. Put "Week 769" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. And this week's contest was suggested by Mr. Dopart, who is so new to The Style Invitational that he thought he made it up himself.

Report From Week 765, in which we asked you to write state songs (or songs for the District) set to any of five Stephen Foster melodies.

Numerous people came up with a song beginning "I dream of Jersey with the light brown air"; below is the best of them (plus an even better one for California). The worst rhyme of the week, in a week with lots of competition: "Long brown hair" and "raison d'etre." "Hair NET" would have been a better rhyme. As usual, we were extremely flexible as to what constituted a state song. More Honorable Mentions, along with links to the Foster melodies, are at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.

4 North Dakota, to "Oh! Susanna":

Oh I live in North Dakota, population 93,
Where the land is flat and barren
(Though we have one real nice tree).

Most of us are blond Norwegians
(Swedes provide diversity).
All the smart kids leave by 20
And the rest just watch TV.

North Dakota, bleak dust bowl of ennui.
If I can't be Minnesotan,
North Dakota works for me.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

3 Florida, to "Old Folks at Home":

Six decades-plus of careful plannin'
Brought them to stay.
Most accident'ly vote Buchanan
Every Election Day.

Oh, that Palm Beach County fracas
Now seems so remote.
"I like that kid Barack Dukakis,"
So say the old folks who vote.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

2 The winner of the hardware-motif necktie with the accompanying guide "How to Tie a Tie":

California, to "Oh! Susanna":

I come from Tijuana with a kilo inside me.
I'm goin' to Pasadena, my connection for to see.
Eleven condoms swallowed whole, I got a good supply;
But here's one more you can unroll -- Chicana, don't you cry.
Hey, Chicana, oh, won't you buy from me?
For I come from Tijuana with a kilo COD.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

California, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair":

I dream of L.A. with its light brown air,
Cars choke the freeways, I don't really care.
I miss the monsoons, mudslides, fires, too.
Looking for enchantment? Alcatraz shines through.

California has more folks than any other state.
We may be overcrowded -- ah, but just you wait.
The Big One's coming, and when it rolls through,
Homes in Sacramento get an ocean view.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

More Beautiful Screamers: Honorable Mentions

New Jersey, to I dream of Jersey with the light brown air,

Twelve is the exit, there's that bright Chevron flare
I see bird-flipping by a thug on a bike,
Cranky as the toll hags we paid on the Pike.
Many were the wild times, though we bet there'd be more,

Many were the needles that washed on the shore.
We dream of Jersey, it's our shared nightmare,
Many are the buried (if we only knew where).
(Kevin Dopart)

Florida, to "Oh! Susanna"

I'm moving to the Sunshine State,
So carefully I drive
'Cause the main highway and average age
They both are 95 . . .
(Rob Cohen, Potomac)

Nevada, to "My Old Kentucky Home":

The sun shines bright on my old Nevada home.
Casinos are calling, "Come play!"
Roulette wheels spin, and the dice will do you in,
While the slots eat dollars all the day.

Then you'll see nude ladies!
They're buxom, blond and brash.
When your wife finds out, then you'll know it wasn't true:
All that "stays in Vegas" is (ha-ha) your cash.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Utah, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair":

I dream of Utah, it's the bright red state;
Not gonna vote for a Democratic slate;
Remember that slip-up back in '64,
Hippies with their daisy ad warned "Nuclear war!"
"Goldwater's a wily goat who'd drop an atom bomb;
Johnson is a sly bird who'd render things calm."
I dream that Utah won't make that slip again;
Only vote Republican till 3010.
(Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

Mississippi, to "Old Folks at Home"

Way down upon the Yazoo River, Mis-sis-sip-pi,
That's where the earth is turning over
Bodies from '63.
Every state must have a motto, seems to be the law
We'll say this of our El Dorado: "Least we're not Arkansas."
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

The District of Columbia, to "Camptown Races":

Washington is hip deep in, doo dah! doo dah!
You just can't scrub it off your skin, Oh, doo dah day!
Whether you ran on the right, or ran as a pinko gay,
You take your money from a lobbyist
Who's giving it away.
(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Oklahoma, to "Oh! Susanna"

I come from Oklahoma,
Where the wind sweeps down the plain
And wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind's behind the rain.
In Oklahoma every night
My honey lamb and I,
We sit and talk and watch a hawk
Make circles in the sky.
Oklahoma!
We know you're doin' fine!
Ai-yip-ai-ay!
(I'd better say
These lyrics aren't mine.)
(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

See more honorable mentions from Week 765.

Next Week: Think to Shudder, or All the Ewwws Fit to Print.


More Honorable Mentions from Week 765 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked for "state songs" set to any of five Stephen Foster melodies:

Louisiana, to "Oh! Susanna":

Oh, our state's a cinch to recognize, it's bent just like an L, and our pols are even crookeder, and we think that's just swell.

To succeed in bayou politics takes slickness and panache, plus a shakedown scheme and a prostitute and a freezer full of cash.

Lou-zee-anna! From Shreveport to Slidell, if a politician's honest, he'd be too ashamed to tell.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Florida, to "Oh! Susanna"

Oh, we drove our truck to Florida, smack through that hurrycane. An' we tried to find some Southern folks, but everyone's from Maine.
Though the skeeters look like Air Force jets, the wildlife sure is fine. But the 'gators got mah arm and leg; the sharks are next in line.
Oh, Miami! 'Bout when will we arrive? Well, I shore do hope we live that long -- we're stuck on 95. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Alaska, to "Old Folks at Home"

Way up inside the Arctic Circle,
Far, far away,
There's where the sun is shining never,
That's why we drink all day.
All Alaska's dark and dreary,
Everywhere I roam.
Please take me where I won't grow weary:
Far from the cold folks in Nome.
(Beverley Sharp)



Hawaii, to "Oh! Susanna":

That Senator Obama, who keeps saying "Yes, we can!"
Can draw the crowds that Don Ho could and make each brah his fan.
He's only half a haole; he can dance a decent hula.
With luck and some aloha he will be our nation's rulah.
Oh, Hawaii! It's time to jump for joy. We'll finally get a president who doesn't gag on poi.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

Florida, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair":

"I Dream of Jeannie," "Nip/Tuck," "Empty Nest,"
"The Golden Girls" and "Flipper,"
"The Real World: Key West,"
"Miami Vice" and "Inocente de Ti."
These shows are set in Florida
And broadcast on TV.
(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

West Virginia, to "Oh! Susanna":

Oh we live in West Virginia and we need to set things straight:
We're not all banjo pickers and we're not all overweight.
Our uncles aren't our husbands, and our nieces aren't our wives, our teeth are straight and strong and we shall keep them all our lives.
West Virginia! We've had it with your jokes, now go back to Alabama and harass them redneck folks!
(Rob Cohen, Potomac)