Week 764: Can You Up Chuck?


Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

There's no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer -- Chuck Norris is
always in control.

Previous eras had their Samsons, their Paul Bunyans, their John Henrys.
In the dawn of the 21st century, our Man of Legend is one Carlos Ray
Norris Jr., a 68-year-old middleweight karate champion turned movie and
TV star who most recently made headlines by guiding his chosen
presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, straight into the White House.
Well, okay, even Chuck Norris couldn't do that. But as you can see from
the "facts" above -- lifted right off the long list on
ChuckNorrisFacts.com -- there's no shortage of examples to demonstrate
the supermanliness of Chuck Norris. At least we hope not. This
week:Come up with entirely new and funny Chuck Norris Facts. Please
feel free -- in fact, please feel obligated! -- to Google your idea to
be sure it's original. This contest was suggested by Loser Since 1994
Sarah W. Gaymon of Gambrills.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a card of temporary Tattoos for the Elderly, with such
gnarly (well, gnarled) designs as "Out of Control," featuring a drawing
of an adult diaper, and a set of dentures in a glass, with the legend
"Bite Me." (What a nice gift for Chuck Norris!) From the ungnarled Ellen
Raphaeli of Falls Church.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational
Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of
the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per
week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com
or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, May 19. Put "Week 764" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published
June 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington
Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next
week's results and this week's Honorable Mentions name are by Russell
Beland.

We were so carried away with our stellar field of horse names last week
that we forgot to note the numerous Losers who were First Offenders: So
take belated offense from Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif. (also a
runner-up); Michael Martin, Stafford, Va.; Mike Sikorski, Rockville;
Mike Jackson, Annandale; Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Mia Wyatt,
Ellicott City; Stephen Gilberg, Washington; and Mary Jo Sweeney,
Crownsville. Each gets one of those stench-tastic tree-shaped car air
fresheners in honor of his FirStInk.

REPORT FROM WEEK 760, in which all the "answers" in our "Jeopardy!"-style contest were
reader-contributed Googlewhacks, phrases that generated exactly one
Google hit: Funny but offered by almost everyone was an entry linking
"accountants of the Serengeti" with "tax cheetahs."

4. Answer: Three guys walk out of a bar. Question: What's the start of
the favorite joke told at the Salvation Army? (Brad Alexander,
Wanneroo, Australia)

3. A: Amish technology blog.

Q: What do the kids in Lancaster call the bulletin board on the barn
wall? (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

2. the winner of the massive promotional not-snow globe to be
presented by the Empress at the Losers' own Flushies Awardson May 17:

A: Accountants of the Serengeti.

Q: Who's featured next week on "Mutual of Omaha's Mild Kingdom"?
(Marleen May, Rockville)

A: Recycled fingernails.

Q: What does the CIA interrogation division use as snow in its annual
Christmas skit? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

· Accountants of the Serengeti

What was Warren Zevon's less-successful follow-up to "Werewolves of
London"? (Marc Channick, San Diego)

Who's on the staff at PriceWaterhole? (Randy Lee, Burke; Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

· Amish Technology Blog

What has no hits yet on ThySpace.com? (Chris Doyle)

Where would you read the question "Can I use zip-lock icebox bags, or
must I keep using pins?" (George Vary, Bethesda)

What is surpassed in irony only by Bill Bennett's "Book of Virtues"?
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

· Fine McDining

What would be one of two things you'd be doing alone if you suggested
taking your wife to McDonald's for Valentine's Day? (Michael Levy,
Silver Spring)

How is Bear Stearns entertaining new job applicants "just until this
credit thingie blows over"? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

What did the judge do about Mr. McDining's unpaid parking tickets?
(Russell Beland, Springfield; Mae Scanlan, Washington)

· 505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages, in No Particular Order

What did 101 freshmen submit as research papers? (Ellen Raphaeli, FallS Church)

What is the official "Zippy the Pinhead" site? (Kevin Dopart)

Those hyperlinks scattered all over the stories on washingtonpost.com: What do they link to? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

What would you get if you added 70 more members of Congress? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

What do you have to visit to rack up enough PostPoints to get a free Slurpee? (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

· Full Frontal Checkmate

What sometimes happens when you're cornered by the bishop? (Peter Metrinko)

What's it called when a vastly obese couple try the missionary position? (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

What ESPN2 show beat out Nude Tag Team Sudoku in the ratings sweeps? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

· Huckleberry Norwegian

What was the predecessor of the prune danish? (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

What's the name of the new no-frills raft-and-pole cruise line?

(Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Before Hollywood made her change it, what was Claire Danes's original name? (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

· Marie Antoinette Bobblehead

What will be featured in a YouTube ad encouraging Bastille Day visitors to take Metro? (Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley, Washington; Steve Baldwin, Bethesda, a First Offender)

What doll's box is marked "Some Disassembly Required"? (Marleen May)

What novelty outsells the Sylvia Plath Easy-Bake Oven?

(Chris Doyle)

What is a nice companion piece to the Louis XVI Pez dispenser? (Randy Lee)

· Mud Wrestling Etiquette

Why haven't the Democratic candidates gouged each other's eyes out yet? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

What code of social behavior is an anagram for "wet nudes merge, tilt, quit"? (Brad Alexander)

Why could no one lick Jesse Ventura? (Jay Shuck)

· Recycled Fingernails

What did surgeons use to enhance Joan Rivers's larynx? (John Kupiec)

What did cavemen use in their staplers? (Barbara Turner)

What is the most common hors d'oeuvre at diplomatic receptions in Pyongyang? (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

· She's Very Sweet (Except After Dark)

What's true of Hillary Clinton (except during the day)? (Russell Beland)

Why do I give my mother-in-law only milk chocolate? (Marleen May)

· Three Guys Walk Out of a Bar

What story line did Saint Matthew's editor suggest he remove from the tale of the Magi? (Peter Metrinko; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

What happens when Messrs. de Maupassant, Ritchie and Noir have all had enough to drink? (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)

Have you heard the one about the Mormon, the Muslim and the Baptist? (Chris Doyle)

What happens when three guys walk into a bar and see a priest, the minister and the rabbi? (Alyssa Glomb, Alexandria, a First Offender)

What happens when a priest and a ventriloquist are told it's closing time?

(Mae Scanlan)

Next Week: Strip Mining, or A Staake Deck