Week 747: Boeing Us Silly


The security line would go a whole lot faster without having to take
off shoes, belts, pants, etc. Just leave them home.

We delay our annual obit-poem contest (the subjects won't complain) in
honor of today's week number, pointed out to us far in advance
(independently) by Losers Russell Beland and Kevin Dopart. While we're
sure that most people find our nation's airline system utterly without
flaw, perhaps one or two of you could dig down deep to find something
that could use a wee bit of improvement. This week: Suggest some
comical ways to improve air travel, either in general or for yourself.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner up gets a VHS tape of "Fisher-Price Little People Discovering
Animals." The donor, 66-time Loser Andrew Hoenig, promises that as you
watch the Little People characters "make exciting discoveries about
their animal friends," you will make exciting discoveries about the
limits of your own digestive system, as he did well before the 389th
viewing.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational
Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever
they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan.
14. Put "Week 747" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 2. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Kevin Dopart; this week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both
Russ Taylor of Vienna and Rick Haynes of Potomac.

Report From Week 743, in which we sought captions for these cartoons by Bob Staake.

Most people saw the ambiguous mammal in Cartoon A as some sort of feline,
which made for many "cat scan" jokes. And many Losers noted that Cartoon
D was someone's idea of a quarter horse.


4. Cartoon B:An early prototype of the auto shoe buffer left a
lot to be desired (Jim Senft, Silver Spring)

3. Cartoon D:During his latest appearance, Mitt's staff called to
remind him to appear Reaganesque, but that day he just felt Dukakish.
(Larry Yungk, Arlington)

2. the winner of the Darth Vadermask: Cartoon B:No matter
how many times she tried, Martha could never get the whole lawyer under
her car. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Cartoon C: "Harvey, when I said I wanted something different in the
bedroom, I was thinking new drapes." (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg,
Pa.)

Close Captioning: Honorable Mentions

CARTOON A

"Hmmm, you look like something you might have dragged in." (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)

"You have erect-tail dysfunction." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

"Mr. Hardy, a hyenal hernia is no laughing matter." (Dave Zarrow,
Herndon)

"Your DNA shows that you're lion AND tiger AND bear. Oh my." (Jeff
Brechlin)

"You do know that you're supposed to get inside the tank and not the
other way around?" (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

"Are you sure it was humangrowth hormone you injected, Mr.
Bonds?" (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

"The X-ray shows the lady from Niger, all right, and she should
pass naturally in two or three days -- but there won't be a smile on
your face, I'll tell you that." (Jeff Brechlin)

CARTOON B

D.C. cabbies still prefer feet to meters. (Kevin Dopart)

Why car salesmen like to go along on the test drive. (Russ Taylor,
Vienna)

He had a naturally wide stance. He was not gay. But just as the senator
from Idahosaid, George was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Britney Spearsaccidentally increases the size of Al Gore's carbon
footprint. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Connie missed parking perfectly by just a foot. (J. Larry Schott,
Gainesville, Fla.)

Herbie's second cousin Melvin, the Hate Bug. (Beth Baniszewski,
Somerville, Mass.)

Eventually, Barack learned to turn down rides to the debate with
Hillary. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

How Metrobus drivers keep in practice. (Kevin Dopart)

Though it worked well, Joe always found it harder to break in the
second shoe using this method. (Larry Yungk)

Bug Squashes Man (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

CARTOON C

"No, you idiot. I said I wanted some soup, a hero and a cake."
(Andrew Hoenig)

"Don't threaten me, Bruce -- so what if I did borrow your tights!"
(Barbara Turner)

Barbara and George Bush: The Secret Tapes (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"All right, already! I'll get the Brazilian wax!" (Claire Center,
Burtonsville)

"So I'm your archenemy, the Dust Bunny, got it? And you can foil me
only by pushing your special Bat Broom around all the floors to rid the
house of my evil henchmen. Great. Meanwhile, I'm going back into
suspended animation till 9." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

In the twilight of his career, Adam West tries in vain to turn over a
new leaf. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

CARTOON D

The first-quarter results have been extremely favorable! (Michael
Mason, Fairfax)

Check out YouTubefor an old video of Mitt Romneygoing "varmint
hunting." (J. Larry Schott)

Hank learned that for just 25 cents more, phone sex could be a whole
lot better. (Jeff Brechlin)

Evel Knievel Jr.'s stunts never lived up to his father's legacy. (J.
Larry Schott)

Due partially to its small budget, "Urban Cowboy II" was a flop.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Sylvia, remember what you said about me and the horse I rode in on?
Well, can you meet me right outside the Wal-Mart?" (Chris Rollins,
Cumberland, Md.)

"Can you hold on a sec? I think my exit is coming up." (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)

Just a quarter in, and Ralph was already out of control on his wild
ride. (J. Larry Schott)

Tom was forced to admit that, even at a quarter per ride, the ZipHorse
concept made no sense. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Next Week: You OED Us One, or The Define Comedy