Week 745: Hurry Up and Slow Down!
To make life go faster: Combine all acupuncture sessions into a single
one, so you have 622 needles in you at the same time.
To make life go slower: Keep everything about NASCAR races the same
except that the drivers now have to use little kids' pedal cars.
Don't you feel as if life is just speeding by in an incomprehensible
blur? Well, not if you're at the DMV, as we'll learn below.
Fifty-six-time Loser Bill Spencer of Baltimore suggests that we come up
with solutions for a too-fast or too-slow world. This week: Suggest
particular ways that would slow life down, or ways that would speed it
up, as in Bill's examples above. You can suggest pairs of related
entries, but it's not required.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place gets a bright red inflatable pop-up punching bag, sent as a
promotion for the cable show "Bounty Girls." A blank-faced human is
drawn on it, and there's a place to slide the photo of your choice over
the blank face. Awww.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever
they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec.
31 (I mean, what else is there to do?). Put "Week 745" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Jan. 19. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Larry Yungk; this week's
Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart.
Report From Week 741, in which we asked for "life lessons" that might be learned at any of
four venues or situations we specified:
4. On the pot:It's only when you get to the end of the roll that
you realize just how little toilet paper you really need. (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park)
3. From watching a presidential campaign debate:You ask what
life lessons can be derived from watching a presidential campaign
debate? That's a very good question. As my father, who worked 37 years
in a textile mill, once said . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington)
2. the winner of the Poo-Pooing (candy) Santa:
From watching a presidential campaign debate:"No Interest Till
2008" isn't just for Big Marty's Mattress Warehouse anymore. (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills)
And the Winner of the Inker
On the pot:Floor tile installers must all be Nazis -- why else
would I keep seeing so many ways to form swastikas? (Fred Dawson,
Beltsville)
Less On: Honorable Mentions
Lessons learned at the supermarket:
Fruit-and-vegetable shoppers can be really rude, especially toward
jugglers. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
Never eat anything that has to have "food" in its name. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
Avoid diet food at all costs: The people using that aisle all get
HUGE. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Somebody must be buying the moldy brown celery, or else why would
Safeway keep stocking it? (Brendan Beary)
"15 items or fewer" is a surprisingly fluid concept, totally dependent
on whether they are your items or the items of the person in front of
you. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
If you use a 50-cent coupon for some overpriced, awful thing you never
heard of, you save 50 cents! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
When you get in the express line with too many items, it doesn't help
much to explain that you have to hurry because you're illegally parked
in a handicapped spot. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
The manager should know by now I don't think this is a "liberry or
sumpin," yet every Saturday when I open The Post to this page, he'll
come over and ask me. (Brendan Beary)
The less clothing the 17-year-old girl in front of you in line is
wearing, the less likely it is that the 20-year-old male cashier is
going to card her for those wine coolers. (Christopher Lamora,
Arlington)
If a recipe for that evening's dinner party calls for
ningredients, there will always be n-1 in stock. (Jack
Sheehan, Eden Prairie, Minn.)
At the DMV:
There's no excuse for being rude, unless you are a seething caldron of
bitterness and despair. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
DMV clerks have no sense of humor. You read Line 5 on the eye test
chart as "U R A P I G" and they won't even give you a second chance.
(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
The people at the opera are less likely to pull a gun when you cut into
line. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
The DMV single-handedly supports the Next Counter sign industry.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
A single bad-hair day can carry a five-year sentence. (Jay Shuck)
There are an infinite number of ways to pronounce foreigners' names,
apparently none of them recognizable to the holders of those names.
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
From having the flu:
If you stay in bed in the fetal position for more than three days, the
kids WILL learn how to pour their own bowl of cereal. (Anne Paris,
Arlington)
Barbara Walters looks about 250 years old in high-definition. (Jeff
Brechlin)
Kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves is not unlike
sitting in front of a computer trying to think of a joke about kneeling
in front of the toilet with the dry heaves. (Brendan Beary)
You cannot actually fry an egg on somebody's forehead. (Andrew
Hoenig, Rockville)
Six degrees of separation is a lot when it's between 98.6 and 104.6.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
The human body can actually output more than it inputs. (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village)
Chicken soup looks the same going down and coming up. (Lawrence
McGuire, Waldorf)
From watching a presidential campaign debate:
It's actually possible to make six guys in blue suits, all saying the
same vacuous things for two straight hours, seem boring. (Russell
Beland)
All the candidates must have remarkable ventriloquism skill, as they
all appear to be talking out of their mouths. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)
If you can't say something nice about someone, compensate by saying bad
stuff over and over. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
A "question" is a brief interruption before the candidate continues
saying what he had planned to say. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Nixon's starting to look pretty good. (Peter Metrinko)
On the pot:
There exists an almost metaphysical relationship between the toilet
seat and the doorbell. (Bob Dalton)
You really do know all 50 states and their capitals. ( Ed Gordon,
Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
The guy in the next stall almost never wants to do knock-knock jokes.
(Jeff Brechlin)
Having yellow-stained fungus-encrusted toenails doesn't make you a bad
person. (Bob Dalton)
The worst bars have the best graffiti. (Tom Witte)
Only loose shoes are overrated. (Kevin Dopart)
There's at least one person out there willing to let my phone ring
twenty-seven times. (Russell Beland)
Another smell you can't cover up in a public stall is permanent Magic
Marker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
On vacation here, I've discovered I don't know squat. (Larry Yungk,
up-country Thailand)
And Last:
From watching a presidential campaign debate on the pot due to having
the flu: This may be hell -- but at least I'm not at the DMV. (Russ
Taylor)
Next Week: Clue Us In, or Puzzled Expressions