Week 741: Well, What Do You Know?


At the supermarket: "Express lane" is a term meaning "Do not under any
circumstances have your money ready."

It could be true that everything YOU need to know you learned in
kindergarten. But the rest of us, we're afraid, need a broader
perspective. This week: Tell us what Major Life Lessons can be derived
from any of these venues or situations.

1. From watching a presidential campaign debate

2. On the pot

3. At the DMV

4. At the supermarket

5. From having the flu

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place gets, in the spirit of the season, Poo-Pooing Santa Claus, who
ejects jolly little red and green candies from a ho-ho-hole in his
pants. It would be nice if we could get the Inker to do this too, but he
has no pants.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever
they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec.
3. Put "Week 741" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 22. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Today is National
Empress Day. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's
contest was suggested by Russell Beland, who remembered a contest like
this from seven years ago. The revised title for next week's contest is
by Brendan Beary. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russ Taylor
of Vienna.

Report From Week 737, in which we asked for songs to commemorate an occasion other than
Christmas or Hanukkah, set to a well-known tune.

Song parodies are an
exacting genre -- there are millions of them out there, but few very
good ones. The finest not only match the originals' meter and rhyme
schemes (and often play cleverly off the original lyrics), but also
build up to a strong ending, basically a punch line. The definitive
parodies may be those from Mad magazine of the 1960s and '70s, but the
tradition endures. One specialist is Loser Barbara Sarshik of McLean,
who over the years has penned a whole Passover's worth of fabulous
"Seder Songs" set to show tunes; you can see them at
http:www.barbarasarshik.com.

3. Birth of a child(to "Makin' Whoopee")

A girl and boy,
They hug and dance,
They wed in joy,
Goodbye romance!
Amor is fleein',
For they've a wee 'un
Who's makin' poopie.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

2. The winner of the Slang Flashcards:

Valentine's Day(to "Under the Sea")
You wonder what you should do to
Make me want your body more,
Why the red lace thong you bought me
Is still lying in my drawer.
How could you be more alluring?
Babe, you haven't got a clue.
Just sit tight and listen closely
To the things that you should do:
Take out the trash, hang up your pants.
It wouldn't hurt to iron a shirt to
Get more romance.
Don't buy a case of fine French wine,
Just grab a jug of 409!
I will be lusting, when you are dusting.
Take out the trash!
(Barbara Sarshik)

And the Winner of the Inker

The Running of the Bulls(to "If I Only Had a Brain")

I could drink Amontillado
To work up my bravado
And quell my fear of pain.
Partly drunk and wholly crazy,
I could be all Hemingwazy
If I ran the bulls in Spain.
Yes, the notion is outlandish,
For bulls ain't Ferdinandish,
At least not in the main.
But each year, fellows pour in
To risk tramplin' and gorin'
As they run the bulls in Spain.
Oh I perhaps could die,
But what a way to go!
Yes, the end could be a mess, but even so,
I'd be so drunk, I'd hardly know!
Though my sprint is more a waddle,
There's courage in a bottle
For something so insane.
I could prove I'm really macho
Or else end up as gazpacho
If I ran the bulls in Spain.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Bumming a Few Hars: Honorable Mentions

Public Radio Pledge "Week"(to "Simple Gifts")

'Tis the gift that's expected,
'tis the gift based on guilt,
'Tis the gift on which public radio is built.
But when they beg, interrupting all the news
'Tis hard to be willing to pay those dues.
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Super Bowl Sunday(to "A Wonderful Guy")

I can't wait until Super Bowl Sunday --
Mountains of munchies
and drinks with the lads.
Not that I claim to care squat for the game,
I'm in love with the wonderful ads!
Most of them featuring flatulent horses,
Bodily functions or kicks to the nads,
Lavish campaigns
in which tastelessness reigns;
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with these juvenile ads!
(Brendan Beary)

Thanksgiving(to "There's No Business Like Show Business")

There's no turkey in Tofurky,
It's faux turkey, you know.
Vegans like to eat it on Thanksgiving
Stuff it with some couscous and some dough,
Add some sprouts and shout, "Hey, this is living,
And it tastes great, too!" but I say, "Whoa --
We're meat, people, not wheat-people,
Let's eat what's apropos
We're atop the food chain, so let's act the part:
So eat real turkey, the neck and heart,
Offal's awful good, so grab a fork and start
The Great Carnivore Show!
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Bastille Day(to "Y.M.C.A.")

Louie, try not to shake.
I said, Louis, things are simply not jake.
I said, Marie should have served more than cake
The peasants are revolting.
I said, Louis, it's quatorze juillet.
I said, Louis, for your hair a bad day.
You can't fall back on an auto-de-fe
The inmates are in charge.
Come on, let's have . . . Bastille Day,
Come on and let all those bon temps roulez.. . .
(George Vary, Bethesda)

Easter(to "Just a Closer Walk with Thee")

Just an Easter Bunny now,
No religion! Holy cow!
The Passion's gone from it somehow.
It's just an Easter Bunny now.
(Mike Dailey, Centerville)

The Day After Christmas

Take me out to the mall now,
Take me out to buy Peeps.
Christmas was over a day ago,
Easter's coming in three months or so,
So we'll stock up on chocolate bunnies,
And a small marshmallow bird,
'Cause it's one, two, three months until it's March twenty-third!
(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Easter(to "Revolution")

Oh, has there been a Resurrection?
Well, you know
That's what His disciples say.
They gave the tomb a good inspection,
Well, you know,
They found the stone was rolled away.
Just goes to prove the old expression:
That you just can't keep a good man down,
And you know He's gotta be Our Lord . . .
(Leslie Horne, Greenbelt)

Columbus Day

Ten million, nine million, eight million Indians . . .
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Halloween(to "It's a Long Way to Tipperary")

There's a wrong way to dress your daughter,
There's a wrong way, you know.
Make your daughter dress like she oughter,
And not like some two-bit ho.
Goodbye, Cinderella,
Hello, Britney Spears.
There's a wrong wrong way to dress your daughter
When she's just seven years.
(Mae Scanlan)

National Pomegranate Month(to "That's Entertainment")

The fruit that is currently hot
Helps your heart, and unthickens your snot
Dulls your pain, even better than pot
That's pomegranate!
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

And Last: The publication of The Style Invitational(to "Saturday
in the Park")

Saturdays in The Post,
Jokes that make the ombudsman cry!
Saturdays in The Post,
Obvious that things are awry:
Poop jokes, rude jokes, almost lewd jokes:
I look at them and I scream,
"This is just so wrong!
These are stupid! Mine were better!
Can't I ink here?" Yes, I can,
But I've been waiting such a long time . . .
(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Read more Honorable Mentions
.


More Honorable Mentions for Week 737, the Style Invitational contest to write a song commemorating an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah, set to a well-known tune:

Groundhog Day

You ain't nothing but a groundhog, biding all your time.
You ain't nothing but a groundhog, biding all your time.
Well, you didn't see your shadow, so you ain't no friend of mine.
(Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)

Rosh Hashanah (to "My Sharona")

Ooh, my little chosen one, chosen one,
Blow your little shofar, it is Rosh Hashanah!
Jewish New Year has begun, it has begun.
Shout out "Shana tova," it is Rosh Hashanah!
Chant some piyyutim by a stream,
Cast your sins away,
Honey is the theme, apples too,
Come to shul and pray.
Oy, oy oy, oy oy vey . . . Ro-Ro-Ro-Rosh Hashanah!
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)


Passover (to "Cheek to Cheek")

Leaven, don't eat leaven!
All consumption of the bread now must be ceased,
And you don't enjoy your dinners in the least
When you're eating bread that's made without the yeast.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Easter (to "Get Me to the Church on Time")

I'm getting holy in the morning,
Ding dong, again it's Easter time.
My faith is merely
Something that's yearly,
So get me to the church one time. . . .
If I forget when, tell me to kneel,
If I look lost, help me keep it real,
For I'm getting holy in the morning
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
My faith is lenient,
When it's convenient,
So get me to the church one time.
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Grandparents' Day (to "School Days")

Drool days, cruel days,
We're-no-longer-cool days,
Propped in our wheelchairs along the halls,
Firmly restrained so there'll be no falls.
Struggling to breathe, remember names,
Drinking Ensure, playing bingo games.
Gone are our loves, our dreams, our aims
We treasured when we were just kids.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Opening day of the Supreme Court term (to "Another Opening, Another Show")

The court's in session, it's quite a show
From gun control to Guantanamo.
So bang a gavel, away we go!
The court's in session, and it's quite a show!
We zip our robes up and grab a brief.
Harass a law clerk, salute the chief.
We all march in to a standing O.
The court's in session, and it's quite a show!
Five-four, can't we ever agree?
Four-five, who will get Kennedy?
One day if the stars will align
We'll write a decision all nine of us sign.
Another season for our high court.
Strike down a statute! Create a tort!
We're more dramatic than HBO --
The court's in session and it's quite a show!
(Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

Leif Erikson Day (Oct. 9) (to "Up on the Housetop")

Off to the New World, run, run, run!
There goes old Leif Ericson!
Five hundred years before Colón,
Out in his longboat all alone.
Row, row, row! Look how he goes!
Till "Land ho-- L'Anse aux Meadows!"
First in the New World, quite a trick,
Put up a shack, so it will stick.
Off in the New World, your grandson
Left a rune in Kensington
Proof that the Norse were first to come:
Knights of Columbus now are glum!
Ho ho ho! Norwegians crow! "Ve vere first, doncha know?"
History books, remove the thief!
Time to look over a new Leif.
(Jeff Brechlin the Norwegian, Eagan, Minn.)

Administrative Professionals Day, formerly Secretaries' Day (to "Hey Jude")

Hey Ruth, go get your pad,
Take a letter and make it snappy
Remember to get my latte grande,
No, you can't go home for feeling crappy
Now type it up, please, right away, send it today.
Then go pick up all my dry cleaning
And after that, can you get . . . hey, what's that you say?
What do you mean "life has no meaning"?
Hey Ruth, come off the ledge,
Why must she be so doggone cra-a-a-zy
Oh man, she jumped right off of the edge
That woman was so downright lazy.
(Judith Cottrill, New York)

Thanksgiving (To "Maria")

Thanksgiving! I've just had another Thanksgiving!
The trip out to Des Moines,
The siblings to rejoin; the feast.
Thanksgiving, and coming back now from Thanksgiving,
I'm thankful, I can tell,
For having moved the hell out East!
Thanksgiving! And it's key to my sane survival
To be free to revise my arrival
And departure -- so I drive all the way to Thanksgiving!
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

My First Drug Screening (to "Someone to Watch Over Me")

There's a somebody I'm dreading to see
'Cause I want to be an employee:
Someone who'll watch while I pee.
My narcotics use is varied and vast,
I must be fast, slip something past
Someone who'll watch while I pee.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Earth Day

Yes! We'll have no mañanas,
Unless we are careful today.
We've tsunamis and storming,
And such global warming
The Earth might just melt away.
We've got to curb our emissions,
And improve all earthly conditions,
Or, yes! we'll have no mañanas!
In fact, there may be no "today."
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Saint Stephen's Day (Dec. 26), (to "Eve of Destruction")

. . . So they stoned him
Over and over and over again, my friend,
It's that dude named Steve,
We all now grieve his destruction.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

Circumcision (to "Mack the Knife")

Uncle Sid's here, and Aunt Julie,
All the family gathered round,
The young baby, gently cooing
He's gonna find the mohel's back in town!
(Gregory Dunn, Alexandria)

Patriots' Day (celebrated in Massachusetts) (to "Da Doo Run Run")

Mile 20 on a Monday, they hit Heartbreak Hill,
They do run run run, they do run run.
Boston Marathoners don't give me a thrill.
They do run run run, they do run run.
Instead, I take out my grill,
And put in some beers to chill.
And watch the Sox on TV at home.
They do run run run, they do run run.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

Earth Day (to the "Major-General's Song")

We love your oceans and your mountains; that's why we're saluting you.
(We trust you'll overlook our little habit of polluting you.)
We've wrecked your ozone layer; now we're dumping trash in ponds and lakes.
(We know you're mad but won't you can those Santa Ana winds and quakes?)
Today's your day, dear Mother Earth, and this is why we love you so:
We're stuck on you ('cause, sad to say, there's really nowhere else to go).
So cheers from all the human gang; let's hear it for that Big, Big Bang
From whence this crazy chaos sprang. (Let's not the way of Pluto go.)
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Anti-Invitational, an existing song for a particular occasion : Leap Second Adjustment Day (June 30, 2008):

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future . . .
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)


Next Week: So What's to Liken? orJesting the Contrast